With Metallica’s release of their version of Clue, in which players try to find which piece of studio equipment was stolen, by whom, and where it was stashed, every other metal band is eager to announce their partnership with iconic board games.
Guns n Roses’ Settlers of Catan: It takes forever for the game to start, it’s incredibly long and drawn out, you’re not always sure what’s going on, and someone’s feelings are definitely going to get hurt.
Van Halen’s Candyland: Make your way along a winding track through a magical place full of every delectable temptation: booze, cigarettes, drugs, groupies, and new lead singers.
Mötley Crüe’s Monopoly: Buy up as many properties as you can, building dives, strip clubs, and brothels. For the Vince Neil piece, every space is “Go Directly to Jail.” The Tommy Lee piece gets married to Community Chest.
Iron Maiden’s Trivial Pursuit: All questions pertain to the band’s twelve-minute songs which sum up a book you were supposed to read in school but didn’t.
Aerosmith’s Hungry Hungry Hippos: Gobble up every monetization opportunity available as fast as you can: a Dick’s Sporting Goods commercial, a spot in Rock Against Drugs, Joe Perry’s Rock Your World Boneyard Brew Hot Sauce, a power ballad in Armageddon written by Diane Warren for Celine Dion.
Slayer’s Game of Life: No matter where you move on the board, Slayer’s lurking in the background to end it. If you lose, you’ll find that Hell Awaits.
Megadeth’s Risk: Dave Mustaine parroting Alex Jones Edition: In this world, everybody’s a threat. Every alliance is deception! Everyone’s heading for your shores! There’s going to be a new world order! The goal is to enclose your country in a glass dome so no one can invade.
Rush’s Operation: Each player attempts to delicately navigate being a metal band in the '70s and '80s without getting into drugs, in-fighting, or faux-Satanism.
Judas Priest’s Twister: Spin the wheel to place different body parts on circles corresponding to the bizarre justifications homophobic fans have to make to accept the fact that Rob Halford is gay.
Black Sabbath’s UNO: Every vocalist who sang on at least one album competes for supremacy and the chance to be the band’s permanent vocalist.
The Rolling Stones’ Balderdash: People listen to Keith Richards talk, and try to transcribe and define the gibberish that comes out of his mouth.
Ozzy Osbourne’s Dungeons & Dragons: Ozzy describes his hallucinations to players who have to roll natural 20s to convince him there’s nothing there.
KISS’ Pictionary: Draw the cover for your upcoming solo album while other players try to convince you that theirs are much better.
Ted Nugent’s Cranium: Win by not knowing the answers to questions.
Styx’s Cards Against Humanity: Current members of Styx construct creative insults for long-departed vocalist Dennis DeYoung, who’s allowed to join the game for one rebuttal round.
Ministry’s Go Fish: Standard Go Fish, but it takes a while to play because Al Jourgensen keeps forgetting where he is mid-game or falling asleep.
Def Leppard’s Yahtzee: Roll the dice again and again, and yell Yahtzee when you find five guys with bleached blonde hair who can sing harmonies with all of them taking the high part.
ZZ Top’s Boggle: Shake up the board to find new combinations of just a handful of chords and lyrics, and see how many songs you can create.
Whitesnake’s Chutes and Ladders: Climb a giant ladder in one move and make it to the top really quickly, then land on an equally massive chute and slide all the way to the bottom, staying there forever.
The Scorpions’ Jenga: Remove planks from the Jenga tower and keep it upright in spite of the ever-blowing winds of change. If need be, bring in hidden supports supplied by the CIA.
Led Zeppelin’s Connect 4: Get the right four guys together and win the game, but lose one of them and crash right out the bottom, never to recover.
Alice Cooper’s Chess: Move your pieces with subtlety and strategy to maintain your image as an anti-establishment rule-breaking hell-raiser while actually being a golfing Republican.
Poison’s Checkers: If you can get one of your pieces to the other side of the board, it’ll be kinged, and the other team’s pieces will have to vie for its affection on a reality show.
RATT’s Cribbage: The rules are the same, but the board is a perfect circle, so the pegs just keep going round and round.
Motorhead’s Pin the Tail on the Donkey: It’s a picture of Lemmy, and each blindfolded player tries to correctly place his mutton chops.
Yngwie Malmsteen’s Magic: the Gathering: A custom deck in which every card says “NOW YOU’VE UNLEASHED THE FUCKING FURY.” There’s a pretentious temper tantrum that does no damage, and you can easily play a “laughter” card to take his life force down to zero.
Jethro Tull’s Sorry: Mysteriously win the Grammy for Best Heavy Metal Album in 1989 over …And Justice for All and spend the rest of your career apologizing to Metallica and their fans.