“Fancy” Latin Foods

Make gallinaceo nuggets. Does that sound intimidatingly fancy? Never fear! Latin abounds in the law, so little Freddie should practice daily. He will never know his mother’s famous dish is merely microwavable chicken nuggets. It’s basically the faux-fancy equivalent of calling Target “Tar-jay.”

Your co-PTA president’s daughter Caty announced to the kindergarten class on career day that she wants to be a “District Court Judge like Daddy.” Your spawn Freddie unfortunately said, “I wanna be like my daddy too! And work at a dith-pen-thary!” Now you must one-up co-PTA Nancy to save face. Your precious offspring is going to sit on the Court of Appeals, a much more prestigious bench than that Caty’s silly District Court dream. Sweet little Caty is going down. (But also, uh…you care about Freddie’s happiness and wellbeing. And all that nonsense.)

Half of the Paleo Food You Are Already Making For Yourself

When Freddie complains that his friends get Lunchables instead of all-natural cucumber noodles with cilantro lime dressing and a dessert of dehydrated nut bars, hold him in contempt of court. If you parent correctly, he’ll fear it worse than grounding. You need him to fear you so he doesn’t make another Career Day slip-up. Nancy won’t stop bringing up that story, that smug witch. And she tuned you out when you said, “At least my husband still lives in New York and not 2,000 miles away” cheating you of the joy of landing that jab.

So you’ve decided. Freddie is destined specifically for the 2nd Circuit Court of Appeals, and Nancy will just have to learn to live with her jealousy. Not only will Freddie sit on a higher bench than Caty, he’ll stay close to home to care for you in your old age. Look who’ll be smug then!

Gavel Cookie

When Freddie requests a party for his sixth birthday, say “Great idea!” and make a single cookie in the shape of a gavel. Pay actors to show up demanding justice. When Freddie cries and says, “I wanted ice cream cake and a bounce house, Mommy,” feign innocence while patiently reminding him that on the 2nd Circuit, the plaintiff is called the party and the party brings the case, so you hope he’ll forgive the misunderstanding. You need to get this in his head right away, so he’ll be prepared in case his daddy’s…extracurriculars…land him in court. Oh god, Nancy would have a field day.

LSAT Prep Cake

If he really won’t let it go about the birthday cake, make him an energy-boosting quinoa and oatmeal cake with sample questions from the LSAT written in marzipan—he’ll need the energy staying up all night studying (and working on his phonics). When Nancy calls you in a rare moment of weakness, crying that she misses her super successful husband (she’s a braggart even in her sadness), turn the phone on speaker so she can hear your little genius studying for the LSAT. Then hurriedly turn it back on mute when your first grader gets sidetracked and proclaims, “Bow down to the Fart King!”

Have Him Cook for You

When Freddie is a preteen, have him cook for you to get a feel for being in the plaintiff’s shoes, and you be the judge. If he makes something that you can remotely swallow, affirm it. If your gag reflex is activated, reverse it, and send it back to District Court. AKA the garbage. That’s a good jab—you’ll have to write it down to tell Nancy at the next PTA meeting.

Not Pizza

When Freddie’s middle school basketball team comes over for dinner and they unanimously vote for pizza, make them anything but pizza. It’s high time he learns that there is no jury on the 2nd Circuit Court of Appeals. Hold firm even when the boys complain that Nancy got pizza for the girls’ team. While Caty is busy having a “normal childhood,” you’ll be preparing Freddie to steal the position of her kindergarten dreams.

A Sushi Restaurant Responsible For a Recent Bout of Food Poisoning

At this point, Freddie basically loathes you, but when he curses at you, he curses in Latin, so you call that a win. When he turns 18, encourage your vegetarian son to do the promposal he insists on doing for Caty at a sushi restaurant recently known for bad sushi. She’ll get sick right before AP tests and he’ll get to practice bringing a lawsuit. Double win! Anyway, he needs a compelling story to write about for his Yale personal statement.

You’re just being a good parent. Nancy would never care enough to purposely poison her child. You’re just doing what any good, selfless NYC mother would do to ensure her child is happy, healthy, and a future judge on the 2nd Circuit Court of Appeals.