The jig is up, pal. You’re going down for this. You’re a no-good criminal and soon enough we’re going to have all the evidence we need to nail you for these bank robberies. The only question is if you want to do it the easy way or the hard way. Before you answer, remember we could also be real silly about the whole thing.

Here’s pen and paper. The District Attorney would be very happy to hear you cooperated, and I would be even happier if you wrote your confession as a very comical Saturday Night Live-style sketch. We’ll perform the whole thing for the officers here. I have plenty of wacky costumes in the trunk of my Nissan.

I have a team of techs going over every inch of your apartment searching for your burglary tools. I also know we could find so many hilarious props around here if we looked hard enough. It’ll be open season on the evidence locker.

Maybe your character is some crazy old monk, but what if he’s from Brooklyn? Ha-ha, oh boy, I can see it now: “Hey watch it fella, I’m prayin’ here!” Trust me on this. I’ve been on the robbery squad for fifteen years. Don’t B.S. me with any half-ass characters. Go big.

You think your partners aren’t talking? They’re in the next room, telling the other detectives about your entire operation and probably coming up with out-of-this-world funny ideas and characters. I bet they’re even off book! Don’t be the last actor to learn his lines. Those people go to prison.

Maybe you really help yourself and make it a full-length production. Why stop at one sketch? You’re looking at ten to fifteen years in prison but I’m sure the D.A. would be willing to cut that in half for a series of interconnected sketches set in the same universe. Do you ever want to see your kids again or, when this is all over, watch my Mr. Show DVDs? They’ll be great inspiration.

Let’s get this confession on paper. Start from the beginning when you planned the robbery. This will be our cold open. Then we can move to who you were working with and how you started the robbery. Maybe we keep coming back to this as the framing of your sketch show confession. Don’t be a smart ass and try to leave anything out either. It’s harder than it looks to fill a full hour of comedy.

Don’t get cold feet now. Once you commit to this hysterical idea, there’s no going back. I already called my cousin Trish to do makeup and my college roommate Billy is in charge of music. The wheels of justice never stop, pal, and neither do the wheels on Billy’s 2006 Toyota RAV4.

What do you mean guys on the inside will think you’re a snitch? Do you really think that’ll be at the front of their minds when you’re putting on this full-length show in the prison yard? That Brooklyn Monk bit is gonna slay with those fellas. I’ll say it again: “Watch it fella, I’m praying here!” Gets me every time.

My partner is on his way here and he doesn’t appreciate the way I do things here. He’s a real hardass. If he had his way, he’d tell you to shut your mouth, grab that pen, and write your confession as a dark and thrilling HBO mystery, a la Big Little Lies.

So what’s it gonna be, scumbag: the easy way, the hard way, or my bonkers over-the-top silly way?


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