Dear Backers/Fellow Dream Chasers,
Fourteen months ago, you declared that not only did you want a custom printed BPA-free water bottle, but you also agreed with the values and vision of H2ODNA. The good news is that we have finally manufactured every single bottle and they are truly amazing. There is one minor hiccup, however: Nicaraguan pirates have abducted the completed shipment as well as our co-founder, Eric Steen-Dailey.
But do not worry. Start-up culture means always following through, and just as you didn’t quit when we challenged you to hit the stretch goals of a CamelBak adaptor straw, we will not stop until those bottles (and Eric) are delivered to your door and the US consulate, respectively.
We cannot wait to share these bottles, our culture, and our hope for a better tomorrow with you. From what Eric told me before his cell phone cut out, these bottles are entirely worth the extra eight months of R&D. And let’s face it: you don’t want a refund. You want a once-in-a-lifetime bottle that is just as unique as you are.
- For those of you who pledged $35 dollars, you should have already received your personalized “Thank You” postcard.
- For the $55 tier, your name has been written on our company walls in beautiful graffiti, forever reminding us of your commitment and reaffirming our own.
- For backers of $85 or more, all I can offer is an apology as we attempt to deliver your one (1) bottle. By now you should have already used our app to take a 3D scan of your grip. Sadly, Eric will have to repeat that process as the pirates sent two of his fingers to us as proof of life. Thankfully, our proprietary software only takes 90 seconds to perfectly model your contours.
As you may recall from previous updates, this is not the first unforeseeable snag in our supply chain. We have dealt with leaky polymers, plastics that may or may not have been toxic, a co-packer that was “sweatshop adjacent,” and frustrated coders who jumped ship and shortly thereafter beat us to market with a similar (if aggressively second rate) product. If those setbacks didn’t stop us, neither will a nitpicky dispute with the Department of Justice over the legal definition of “international jurisdiction.”
Despite what some visionless hacks may have implied, our dedication to these bottles isn’t driven by a need to validate our idiocy and avoid having to admit that we were unprepared and underfunded with little to no knowledge of how to manufacture and distribute a product. Hardly. Our faith in H2ODNA’s mission fuels and motivates us. It’s what sent Eric to Central America for quality assurance and it’s what continues to keep him alive as he is ironically very, very dehydrated. But to quote Cameron Winklevoss, “There is no such thing as a problem; only an opportunity.”
Heck, maybe we could pivot and found another company that connects hostages’ families to third-party rescue teams, providing liquidity to a marketplace that the Geneva Convention doesn’t cover. But before building that billion-dollar idea, let’s deliver your bottle.
Our updated delivery timeline is as follows: In the coming weeks, we will launch a GoFundMe for the ransom money. After hitting that goal, we will find an independent contractor who is able to facilitate an easy release of your bottles (and Eric). After moving the shipment through customs, we will execute one final stress test (of both the bottles and Eric’s reattached digits). Pending approval, those bottles will finally be in your hands in no less than another twelve and a half weeks.
Some (including our cowardly former co-founders) have said, “It’s just a water bottle. Move on and start doing something important with your lives.” Well, this isn’t “just” a water bottle, Amanda. We are changing the way that millions, possibly billions, will consume the most important nutrient in the galaxy. Haters gonna hate. Innovators gonna innovate.
Thank you again for your patience and positivity, and we hope you will support our next Kickstarter campaign for “CaptIV,” a hostage negotiation app that some have called “the Uber of non-governmental ransom experts operating outside the realm of the International Court of Justice.”
Acting Sole Founder/Teamwork Coordinator