Interviewer: Thanks for coming in. I wanted to ask you a few quick questions regarding your qualifications for the position.
Interviewer: How do you think you'd fit in working here?
Employee: Honestly, after thinking about it and coming in today…I don't think you guys want me. I'm not ready. I'm, like, damaged goods.
Interviewer: Damaged goods?
Employee: I just got out of a long relationship with my last company. Like, really messy breakup. Things were said, things were thrown, yada yada yada…
Interviewer: Can you elaborate?
Employee: Well…and this may seem bad to you, like I'm jealous or still not over it, but I'm trusting, right? I was faithful to my company. Like, I was there for them when they needed me. But this one Monday I come in, doing the same things I've always done—and let me just say, we were good together, OK? The company and me—we were, like, a team. Like, I remember one time in the winter when I got in a car accident and woke up in the hospital, and the company was right there at my bedside, saying how are you sweetie is everything OK, asking me if I'd met their good friend "Mr. First" and he said "please call me ‘Care,' and that's what I'll do before anything else, I'll take care of you first hahaha," and I sort of laughed nervously and then next thing I know—
Interviewer: [throat clearing]
Employee: …oh, right. But what happened was that one Monday I walk past the office of Mr. Jenkins and the door is closed, like not just not open but, like, closed closed. And I say huh that's not your average Monday, like that's a heckuva strange thing, especially with the timing coming right after the office happy hour with the kinda hazy details, guilty as charged hahaha. And I'm walking by not thinking much of it before the door creaks open, like something out of a movie, like a scary like horror movie. There's two guys, Mr. Jenkins and someone else, and I stand there wondering what the heck, like trying to put two and two together and come up with not four, while meanwhile Mr. Jenkins catches my eye and turns super red—which he'd never really done before?—which made me say, like, hold up, something's going on that is literally not OK.
Interviewer: OK, well, we don't have much time and I liked to ask a few more—
Employee: And that afternoon I corner Mr. Jenkins, and I say in my sassy voice—I do a good sassy voice, all my friends say that—I say, well Mr. Big Stuff, who do you think you are? And he says, Cheryl I have no goddamn clue what you're talking about. And I go Mr. Jenkins, this is like an absolute backstabbing.
Employee: I know, right?! Like, hello, I'm a person here, not some piece of meat. But that afternoon he brings me into his office and he says, listen up, Cheryl, some shit's about to go down, can you promise to not make a scene. And I'm thinking, like, make a scene? Who, me?
Employee: So Jenkins starts dishing about this controversy—which it is totally not, a controversy that is. Like, it's called happy hour for a reason, right? So why wouldn't you do things that make you happy, even if yeah, OK, you're on the not quite spic-and-span kitchen floor of the one steakhouse in town, the favorite one for your office where sometimes the chef gives you an extra meatball for good behavior.
Interviewer: …Jesus. Alright then. What did Jenkins say?
Employee: Well, he said he couldn't feasibly see how I could continue at the company, that he couldn't in good consciousness let me continue as an employee. It was like a threat, like an attack on my personality and my integrity that I've worked to put together and it's now like I have like a scarlet letter on my chest, like a big U for "U Loser" or something. And I just, I mean, I'm a strong employee; I learned it from my mom, she was the strongest employee I ever saw. So I said to Mr. Jenkins that if he—
Interviewer: Look, can I just— absolutely none of this is relevant. This is a lunch lady position. A lunch lady position…at a middle school.
Employee: Were you even listening? I'm a shell of my former self.
Interviewer: Your only responsibility is to wear a fishnet and not scare 100% of the children.
Employee: Maybe I could be that lunch lady someday, but the timing just isn't right.
Interviewer: You make Sloppy Joes for four hours and then leave. That's literally the entire job description.
Employee: I wish it were that easy, but I've been burned before.
Interviewer: All I want to know is whether or not you can fit in here and perform your duties.
Employee: Unbelievable. You employees are all the same. You just want something from all of us.
Interviewer: Correct, that is the traditional employer-employee relationship.
Employee: Of course you'd believe in traditional views, you pig.
Interviewer: Can you just leave my office?
Employee: Coming in today has been the biggest mistake of my life—don't ever call me again!
Interviewer: You won't have to worry about that.