“Does your toddler need an NFT? Zigazoo says yes. The app’s mission is to 'empower kids to shape the very landscape and infrastructure of NFTs and Web3,' to help them ‘express themselves through art and practice essential financial literacy skills' and to allow them to grow into ‘tomorrow’s digital citizens.’” —New York Times, April 26, 2022

I remember when I was like the other toddlers. I too once sat around—lazily putting colorful blocks in their corresponding holes—wasting precious time that could’ve been spent more productively. Everyone knows time is money. Everyone except most toddlers, that is. They think time is play. Fools. I’ve since learned how to make my money play for me. And that’s all thanks to NFTs.

Just this morning, I was drinking my morning coffee. I take it black, by the way. We financially-responsible toddlers prefer the hot bitter flavour of arabica beans over juice or formula. I was telling the other toddlers about how if they ever plan to retire, they’ll need real dough, not Play-Doh. They didn’t listen. They’d rather sing songs from Peppa Pig. We’ll see who’s singing when I’m retired at 6 and they're all working for me as full-time diaper changers.

Once I first saw my artwork hit the market, I began to understand. Previously, I thought the only way to shape a landscape was through DUPLO blocks. Then I saw my sales spike. Suddenly, I no longer had to beg Mom for a quarter to buy a gumball. Within hours I had made enough money to buy three gumballs. Then four gumballs. Then five. The growth was exponential. I overheard Mom and Dad talk about how they can’t afford their mortgage. Perhaps I’ll loan them a slice of my soon-to-be fortune, but I just started considering taking a loan out on a new crib.

Toddlers are known for asking “why” over and over. It drives many parents up the wall. Look, I get it. I used to be the same way. But then I learned a better question to ask is “how?” I see a news item about a billionaire acquiring a social media platform for a fortune. I don’t ask why. I ask how. How did he get that rich? How can I get that rich? These are the questions that the other toddlers need to start considering.

Listen, most of these toddlers can barely recite their ABCs, let alone count. I asked how old a kid was, he said “two” and held up three wonky fingers. I mean, really? How will they ever make it in this cold world? I can count to… like… 40, and I never use my fingers. Not that I need to learn any more numbers. I’ll be hiring a financial advisor for that.

So, parents, please take note. There’s an epidemic of toddlers who don’t care at all about building capital during this time of epic inflation. In fact, they barely even know when to use capital letters. Get them making NFTs. It’s their only chance at financial freedom.