Greetings, spouse, valued friend, family member, co-worker, or acquittance. I’m writing to you today to inform you of an exciting and exclusive opportunity to join the latest innovation in all things Sam: the Sam Super Loyalty Card.

What is the Sam Super Loyalty Card?
Great question. It’s a loyalty card that gives you access to me, a man who can, without reservation or hesitation, be definitively ranked as one of the top eight billion humans on earth.

So wait, I can’t meet with you/speak to you/copulate with you without a loyalty card?
Unfortunately not! As of the start of next month, I will only be scheduling work meetings, having catchups, attending bottomless brunches, initiating sexual liaisons, and offering invaluable advice to Sam Super Loyalty Card holders.

I really have to pay you?
Yes. But you can choose between three tiers, each with different perks. There’s Desperado ($44.99 a month), Hotel California ($99.95 a month), and One of These Nights ($150.99 a month). I’ve ranked each based on my favourite Eagles albums instead of precious metals. Unconventional, but this is my club. I can do what I like.

But I’m your boss? I need to be able to speak with you.
That’s great! I suggest you sign up for the One of These Nights tier, which offers 30 interactions a month. That will give us ample time for any briefings, presentations, or brainstormings required. Also, to ensure a harmonious workplace, consider the Enterprise Edition of the Sam Super Loyalty Card. For one reasonable, barely four-figure monthly sum, it gives the entire office unlimited monthly interactions with me (please note, Paul from Marketing is excluded from this offer. He knows why).

But I’m your wife? You can’t expect me to buy a membership?
Unfortunately, I do. Luckily, there’s a special Spousal Membership. At $250 a month, It includes unlimited interactions, the creation of three new nicknames for you a year, a promise to take out the garbage, and a weekly 30-minute session where I listen to you complain about your sister. It’ll also include up to five lovemaking sessions a month. (With a special complimentary bonus session on our anniversary and your birthday).

How does it work?
Simply present your card when we meet, and I will verify it. Please be aware that if you forget your card, I will be unable to proceed with our interaction unless you pay a $99.99 penance. I know that seems harsh. But if I make an exception for you, soon I’m making exceptions for everyone. And if I’m doing that, what’s the point of having a Sam Super Loyalty Card program in the first place?

Will the interactions I’m paying for be good?
Yes! You’ll be getting me at my peak. I’m going to try to make each experience the best it can be. I’ll offer you curated music recommendations based on what you’ll like, not just what will make me look smart. I’ll nod and agree with your thoughts on the Ukraine conflict, no matter what they are. When you recommend me a piece of media, I will smile and politely say, “thanks, I’ll add it to my list,” even if I’ve already seen it or have no intention of seeing it. If we’re out drinking, I will farewell you like an adult, not just say I’m going to the toilet and then disappear home to watch several episodes of Alone.

Is this just a thinly disguised way to raise funds for the several legal proceedings against you and your multiple failed businesses?
Absolutely not! In fact, I’m tempted to ban you from being issued a Sam Super Loyalty Card just for implying that. However, I’ll be willing to rescind that ban for a $500 atonement fee and a promise to act as a positive character witness at any upcoming legal proceedings.

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to your acceptance—along with the $99.99 application fee and a statutory declaration stating you trust me with your money and that I am a person of exceptional reliability.