Hey buddy, it’s 2:12 AM! You know what that means! Time to pee! You can go back to sleep right after you empty the tank, I promise.

Phew, much better. Ok, goodnight!

Oh, you’re still awake? Great! I’ve been meaning to ask you… Do you remember that time in the 5th grade that you accidentally called your teacher “Mom”? That was so funny! Haha such a funny, embarrassing thing to look back on in hindsight and chuckle about. Good times. Ok, nighty night! Sleep tight!

How do you think Mrs. Delaney felt about that, though? She laughed in the moment, but do you think maybe deep inside she thought you were an idiot? Nah… Probably not. Anyway, no reason to hash it out at 2:32 AM, am I right? Get some sleep, my friend.

She must have mentioned it to your actual mom at their next parent-teacher conference, right? That definitely devastated your mom’s self esteem. We both know Susan was particularly sensitive about who you called “Mom” after the divorce. Especially when Dad’s new girlfriend, Candi, was in the picture. Good job, asshole. You made your mom cry. I don’t even want to talk to you anymore.

Hey, just wondering… Do you ever wonder if you’re on the right track in life? We make these decisions, day after day, without really thinking about the consequences. You made a purely accidental gaffe in a classroom as a child, and it affected your relationship with your mom for years. YEARS.

What if that totally changed the course of your life? Accounting is great and all, but… Remember that time in sixth grade when you wanted to audition for the school’s production of Oliver? You asked your mom, and she said no, because “you spend enough time with your teachers as it is.” Dude, that was totally because of the “Mom” thing! What if you had really enjoyed it and decided to dedicate your life to the arts instead?

Hey, maybe now is a good time to grab your phone and start Googling local community theater groups. Better late than never!

Wow, look at that! The Walpole Footlighters are putting on a production of Legally Blonde, and auditions are next week. You should sign up! It would be a two hour drive for every rehearsal, but it’s worth it if you discover a lifelong passion that’s been hiding inside of you all this time. If you leave work early on Tuesdays and Thursdays, you can beat rush hour and get there just in time to have some takeout beforehand. You’ll need to clear the schedule change with Cheryl in HR, but she likes you ever since that time you brought brownies into work. It’s probably a good idea to bring in another baked good when you ask her. Let’s Google “Best baked goods to bring in when asking for a favor at work.” You’ve got this, bud.

Oh, hey, while we’re on Google, why don’t we just go all out? Look up “Creative jobs for Accounting PhDs.” Clearly, this is something that you’ve been suppressing for decades and have only realized at this particular moment, 4:53 AM on March 13, 2020. Wow, look! There’s an ad for an online master’s in Human-Computer Interaction. Better start updating your CV now, just in case. Where’s the closest GRE testing center to you? Do you think your old PhD advisor would write you a letter of recommendation? You should draft an e-mail to her.

Hey, doofus! You only have like 20 minutes until your alarm goes off. Go to sleep, now! We can keep researching tomorrow night.

Good morning! I know you still have five minutes until your alarm goes off, but you need to pee. Have a great day!


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