As a busy wife and mom, I’m always on the go, which is why I rely on my new SUV. The motion sensor trunk release is a lifesaver when my hands are full of groceries, and my lazy husband refuses to help because he’s too busy watching TV. The bluetooth wireless system is a great way to stay connected while driving, like when my useless husband needs to call me while I’m in the middle of running errands because he’s too much of an idiot to figure out how to turn on an oven.

The keyless key fob is another amazing tool, even though I constantly have to search the house because my dumb husband lost it again. I swear he would lose that key even if it was glued to his big, stupid head.

No task is too challenging for me and my sleek, black vehicle. Together we can conquer the world during our frequent family trips to winding, empty roads along the side of a mountain. Sometimes we get lost on these little adventures and end up stranded at a gas station because apparently, my husband knows SO MUCH MORE than my car’s built-in navigation system.

But eventually, we arrive at our camping destination, a tick-infested field, and nothing compares to staring at the night sky with my family, even though I’m freezing because my husband and kids hogged all of the blankets. Stargazing in the middle of nowhere is the perfect time to reflect on how much I hate my husband and regret not listening to my mother when she told me we were rushing into things.

My husband bought me this car after I caught him cheating on me. He surprised me with it in our driveway, topped with a dramatic red bow, which I guess was supposed to distract me from the fact that he’s been railing his coworker Lisa three days a week for the past five months. Good thing this car has a reverse sensing system and a rear-view camera, so I don’t accidentally run over my worthless husband… haha, right?

This man also gave me God-awful children. Just the worst. When I pick my daughter up from school, she won’t even talk to me. She sits in the car’s luxurious heated seat and only communicates through eye rolls and sighs. I actually have not heard my daughter speak in over two years, and I don’t remember her name anymore. I think something with an “A…” Amanda? Alyssa? Kids just grow up so fast these days.

My son is even worse. He demands that I drive him to lacrosse practice with his friend Tommy at a moment’s notice. I fold down our third row of seats, so I can shove their fungus-covered equipment into the incredibly spacious trunk of my SUV while my ungrateful son and his asshole friend complain that we’re running late. I try to use my state of the art speaker system but my son disparages my music taste by saying that it’s ‘grandma music.’ Tommy joins in on the teasing which is pretty rude considering I’m actually doing his mom a favor by dropping off and picking up from practice this week even though she’s supposed to be in charge of drop off.

There are so many places to go in my car! I like to drive around my tree-lined neighborhood and wave to all of my white neighbors. Or squeeze my oversized vehicle into the compact car spot in the parking garage when I’m meeting my fifteen closest girlfriends for cocktails. But my favorite place to drive my brand new car is the office of a divorce attorney.