I can't imagine what's been going through your mind since you most likely got an alert about my recent searches at work. You must think the worst of me when you saw that I searched “Sexy old celebrities” and “Can someone steal my ideas through mind control.” I can't even imagine what you thought when you saw “Will I go to jail if I cough on someone when I am sick.”

I know I look like a sick delusional pervert but I swear I can explain!

The last few months have been particularly tough for me. My college roommate, Kyle, finally published his novel and I can't help but think, will I ever be able to reach my full potential? Is it too late for me to even start? Which brings us to my first search, “sexy old celebrities.” I want to start by saying that I don't have a fetish for wrinkly rich people. If I did, I’d save that for home, per the recent sexual harassment seminar.

I searched that phrase because between Kyle's novel and my recent birthday, I just wanted to know that if I do “make it” I'd be valued by society. Everyone always talks about young celebrities but those kids are so overrated. To be honest, after seeing JLo, Shakira, and reading about all the presidential candidates throughout history, I know that 50 and over will be my real prime. That search helped me relax and take a few more weeks off from writing since I know I’ll have plenty of time to make my mark!

Just a quick side note, during a low moment I did google, “celebrities under 18,” and “did the kid from A Christmas Story become a porn star?” Again, I just wanted to be assured that if I did happen to publish a great screenplay at 15 my life would have been a complete disaster. Plus, Meredith from accounting, brought it up at lunch and I just wanted to fact check her.

You probably are also a little worried that I believe in mind control because I searched if it was possible for someone to use it against me. Rest assured, I am not that paranoid! I am very rational butttt, I can't help but wonder if Kyle's novel was based on some ideas I had a while back that I was going to use for my screenplay. I am not saying he stole my ideas because he's a great guy, a hard worker, and incredibly honest. I am just saying it is a little strange that he wrote a novel about two people falling in love when I had the SAME EXACT idea a few years ago!

More importantly, Kyle is into some new age shit and believes in psychics so a part of me did wonder, what if he used some sort of voodoo magic to get in my head? He does always tell me that I would be a great writer and I have so much potential so naturally, I assumed he might have wanted to steal some of my ideas. The great news is that 70% of the online community doesn't believe that Kyle stole my ideas through mind control but that 30% can be pretty convincing haha.

Finally my last search was just good old anxiety! After convincing myself that I could write my dream screenplay and I should start now, I started to panic because what if I got the crazy flu that's been going around! I’d be unable to write for days, maybe even a full week which would set me back at least a year. Even worse, what if I accidentally coughed on Kyle at his celebration this weekend? Everyone would think I was trying to sabotage him and I’d never do such a thing. This is exactly why I searched jail time for spreading a deadly virus. Oh and this also explains why later I searched, “artists who got their start in jail.” Always have a contingency plan right?!

I promise that this week I will only search for what's necessary for work. I am very grateful to have a boss who understands and I want to thank you for not judging me.

Also, I was totally kidding when I searched, “how to write an expense report.” I’ve been doing that forever and will have it on your desk shortly!


Community: View our Submissions page for article and list guidelines.
Education: Punch up your comedy writing and technique with PIC's Coaching and Feedback.