Hey you,

Yes you, staring out the window longingly. I don’t know exactly how you are missing seeing me but I AM RIGHT HERE, your favorite durable hard-side polycarbonate with a sexy black exterior. You remember me, I’m surprisingly lightweight? My purple pom-pom has been on the handle and ready to go since March.


I’ve always treated being with you, servicing you, as an honor. The places you take me, I would never ever go alone.

My first trip ever was to your apartment to meet you. The look on your face was magical when you opened the box and unwrapped the plastic and Styrofoam to see me. And I moved in right away! I knew we would be together forever. Within a week, we were off on our first trip. Alone together, my sweet. I know it was just a trip to Yonkers to your horrible sister’s, but it was the start of something meaningful.

I get it. There’s a pandemic and you’re afraid to fly. But not even a road trip? Anything to feel alive again. Together.

What about MY NEEDS? I’ve always been there for you. Berlin for your semester abroad, Paris where you paid more attention to that Raphael than to me, Naples when it was all about Marcello—your other inamorato, even Budapest just because of that song you couldn’t get out of your head. That song we had to listen to over and over and over again when you were dancing around in your underwear and stuffing me full of all the little things we need for our journeys together.

I was literally always putting stuff in my pockets for you, baby. I mean, didn’t you have a purse?

If anyone had asked me a year ago, I would’ve thought a pandemic would bring us closer together—not farther apart. You’re here at OUR HOME, LITERALLY all the time. Yet I get nothing.

Damn it, I’m important! Notice ME!

I’ll take all the weird New York bellhops that you leave me with for the afternoon before our room is ready. I’ll never complain about that again! And I promise I won’t tell the bellboys about the jewelry hidden in my secret pocket again.

I’ll take all the little scuffs and scratches on my outside from you not being careful when you stuff me in a cab. That was nothing compared to this loneliness, to you avoiding me.

What can I do?

I love having your three bathing suits deep inside me. Who knows whether it’ll be a bikini scene or more of a one-piece. And if it is white or black or purple?

I know all your secrets. The face goop, the different shades of lipstick, the way more Q-tips than anyone should need on a weeklong trip.

I know when you pack me full of tampons and I know when you pack me full of condoms. These are our secrets. Just me and you.

And I know you like to leave me out on the luggage rack when you had packed me full of condoms. I know you like it when I watch.

The same you who has subjected me to leaked Pantene in all my delicate places? And then Suave the next time before you figured out something called double-bagging?

I’m only hard on the exterior. You know I’m exactly how soft I am on the inside.

The things I’ve done for you. Do you know WHAT THEY DID to me the last time you were off enjoying your Sbarro in the gate area. STRANGE MEN threw me around. Almost a contest to see who could do the most damage. They DROPPED me! But I didn’t complain, I’ve never even said anything before. I do it for you, and you have always been so worth it.

That’s just my emotional baggage.

I almost bust my seams for you, get beat up by very muscular men for you, and yet you can’t even recognize your paramour-portmanteau on a conveyor belt without my purple pom-pom?

I never protest. You can stuff me full, and full some more, and I can take it. When you jam it in, I can take it all the more. I don’t know how many shoes a woman needs for three days, but I gladly take all the stilettos you jam into my six interior pockets.

But now, I’ve been in the corner the WHOLE TIME. No soft touches, no gentle packing, and re-packing. No sitting on me, bouncing on me to then slide my zipper as only you can.

Dust! There are actual particles of dust on me!


Because we are a team. The truth is I need you too. And I know you’re toying with me. You can’t live without me. You know I’ll just be sitting here in the corner, waiting for you to vacuum the dust off me, to unzip me, open me up, put everything you want to deep inside me, and then take me for another spin.

All my Love,
Your admiring attaché