Psst. Hey buddy. It’s me, your ol’ pal the Forehead. You know, that blank area of your head you never used to think about, but now you’re having to think A LOT about?
How ya doin’? It’s true, in recent years I’ve been gaining some new ground. But I’m here to tell you I still think I look great. I mean you—you look great.
I know it’s easy to panic, what with the clumps of hair falling out in the shower, or certain lighting conditions making you look like the Crypt Keeper, or the fact the last time your mom saw you she began to cry. But listen—this is all good news!
For starters, we’re getting so much more attention, my guy. I mean people just cannot stop staring at me! No, you’re not being paranoid, whenever you’re in public and not wearing your beanie, everyone is looking at you. Particularly everyone you find attractive.
What can I say? I guess the ladies just can’t get enough of the ol’ skin and bone nether zone.
Look, you just gotta flip that narrative my guy. Hair loss is a natural, 100% essential part of evolution! Just like how some people sneeze when they look at the sun.
Don’t think of it as a “weakening of the hairline.” Think of it as a “strengthening of the forehead.” You’re not “receding” okay? I’m “advancing.” And once you let me take over, baby, there’s no end to what we can achieve.
So what if some no good buddy of yours with the hairline of a Ukrainian toddler called you a “five-head?” You know what I say to that human paintbrush? Why don’t you make like a watercolor and run. Because when I find you, I swear to god I’m gonna headbutt you to death.
Haha! I’m just kidding around. But seriously, what’s so wrong with a five-head? Why not a six-head? And hey, I bet if you quit it with that freaking Rogaine stuff that makes us itch so much we could get to an even ten-head in no time!
Waddya say? I mean chicks dig that all-slick no-thick. Think about it: Jason Statham, Dwayne Johnson, Bruce Willis—these are all men you could look exactly like. From the forehead up.
What was that you just mumbled? Well great! I’m glad you’re on board. Because I swear, a Mr. Clean look will totally help with that confidence of yours my guy. You know how much puss Mr. Clean crushes in a single week? Unquantifiable, my guy.
Also, I was thinking, the eyebrows. Are you a fan? Jeez, look at me, asking you! The guy who still thinks skinny jeans don’t make him look like a loaf of bread stuffed into a pair of long johns. They’ll have to go. Especially with that hair gone. It’ll just look uneven! Besides, why would you need eyebrows when you don’t have any eyes?
Huh? Yes, eyes too. Man, get a load of Larry Questions over here. You got a lot to say for someone who mumbles so goddam much. I’m joking! I’m really not! But seriously, why would you need them when you already know you look perfect? You’ll know it and the ladies will know it. Okay? Good. Now hold still whilst we steal your eyes.
Who’s we? Oh just me and a couple of the other Foreheads. Wow! What an improvement! How do you look? Uh, you ever see Pan’s Labyrinth? Kinda like that grape guy—in other words, a certified hottie!
I’m serious! You’re a regular smooth criminal. And once we smooth over that nose and mouth of yours you’re gonna look like an even smoother smooth criminal. Yes, mouth too. Think about it. Wouldn’t the “Mona Lisa “have been a whole lot better if they had done away with that distracting smile?
And hey, speaking of moanin’ Lisa’s, the chicks are gonna love the no-comb dome my guy. Just you wait…
Woah, hey buddy! You awake? We lost you there for a sec! So listen. Whilst you weren’t able to see, hear, or say anything to the contrary, me and my buds here went ahead and made some adjustments to the whole “bipedal” thing you got going on. Well, let’s just say you can finally burn that skinny jean collection because, you guessed it, we made you into a perfect sphere. That’s right, just a bouncy round ball of pink skin with forehead lines all the way 'round that works like tire tread! I mean, how else are you gonna feign surprise when everyone says they just love the new you?
Plus, this design is WAY more efficient. Some of the other Forespheres have been experimenting with rolling at speeds of up to 180 MPH. Let’s just say they won’t see us coming! And we are coming! Like I said, it’s evolution my guy. And we’re the apex predator.
Okay wow, so I’m loving this writhing you’re doing right now. Loving that enthusiasm! What d’you say you channel that energy into getting us onto the I-395 North? We’re meeting all the others at Capitol Hill come dawn.
And hey, you can leave that beanie at home, my dude. People are really gonna dig this new look.
Trust me, they won’t have a choice.