Yeah, I’m so glad you decided to visit Earth and learn our ways. I feel like you’re really picking things up very quickly. And I love your green skin!

What’s that? Why are all these earthlings splayed face down in the dirt? No, no, thank you for asking. That’s a good question. You see, they’re partaking in a popular recreational tradition commonly known as “sunbathing.”

Right, so you would never remove your shirt in public, because you’re ashamed of your gross body with fat creases. But once you’re near the magic combination of sand and water, then you’re ashamed not to take your shirt off.

No, the sun does not have any terrestrial healing powers that we know of, but it can fry your skin and inflict life-threatening disease.

Why do we do it then? So inquisitive, I love it. Well, many people find it relaxing and refreshing. Also, a number of humans desire a tan. What’s “tan?” Hilarious. Tan is when the sun bakes your skin until you become attractive or have to go to the hospital.

Yeah, I suppose it is a little like cooking animal meat.

Nope, this is pretty much the only event where lucid adults strip down to roll in a hot dirty field. Actually, it’s illegal to run around in your underwear in most places. Though I guess technically this isn’t underwear, it’s your “bathing suit.” What’s the difference? The difference is we don’t ask so many questions here on Earth, little buddy! You’re a riot.

Here, try on this thong.

Are all these persons one big family? No, silly alien, these are mostly complete strangers. Negative, this is not some sort of sacred reproductive group ritual. We call that an “orgy.” This is just wholesome family fun without clothes on!

Correct. There are no mating properties associated whatsoever. You may inadvertently gander at human buttocks, but you may not allow that innocent peep to wander into Creepville.

Creepville? Well, remember how I explained “sex” to you earlier, yeah, Creepville is a town just outside Sexville. It’s inhabited by a band of horned-up spooks with stone-cold robot stares. Though you can’t visit Sexville unless you swing through Courtshipville, except sometimes people travel to PayForItVille—the capital of Creepville. And if you look at the sun you’ll go blind.

Yup, that’s right, you intentionally lie spread-eagle beneath invisible laser beams shot from a humongous ball of fire and then apply coconut-scented shielding salve to block those very same beams. On purpose. Exactly. Otherwise, your skin turns red, bubbles up, and there is some kind of white puss inside. Okay, now open your hand and lube me with this invincibility goo.

What are those stupid-looking plastic things hooked to people’s faces? Wow, how candid of you. Those are called “sunglasses.” Another tool to block the sun. They make us look cool. And let us stare at each other without being banished to Creepville.

It’s such a pleasant experience. You can take a nap, or listen to Bon Jovi playing nearby at full blast, or squint at Game of Thrones on your phone. Or just sit there, spacing out, enjoying some peace and quiet. Unless the family next to you is wasted.

And you bring supplies. An inordinate amount of supplies. They are heavy, but also difficult to carry. A cooler full of drinks, folding chairs, and a beach umbrella—to block the sun. Yeah, kind of like home, but less comfortable, sure, I guess you could see it that way.

Though to our species, sunbathing is considered liberating and youthful and gives you that good fake and crispy look. Which’ll get ya into Sexville.

Yes, it’s true, we’re concerned about our planet overheating, yet we commute in machines that create the extra warmth, to a location where we can gleefully roast in unison. Global warming is undoubtedly our most imminent danger—but we laugh in the face of danger, because we have coconut-scented shielding salve.

Whoa there, friendo. I didn’t catch that. Sunbathing is the joke of the universe? Every form of intelligent life this side of the solar system is laughing behind our sunburnt backs?

Whatever, reductive little goblin man, you’re the one with the freaky green skin!


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