Look, I know that this whole school re-opening shiz has got everyone’s panties in a massive wad, but I feel like it shouldn’t be that big of a deal to figure out. Sure, I get that literally everyone with any knowledge of the situation, from the parents, to the teachers' unions, to the mother-fucking CDC is bugging out, but they can all just calm the fuck down now because Chad is here to solve this nutcruncher. Speaking as a dude who’s got a bachelor's in biz dev, a solid 2.6 GPA, and has read most of the first quarter of Infinite Jest, I honestly feel like it shouldn’t be all that hard to rub out some quick solutions, if you know what I mean.

Now, if there’s one thing I know about parents, and there isn’t, it’s that they hate their fucking children. And who can blame them? Imagine being trapped all day with a few of those little monsters hogging the PS5 and screeching about food or whatever. The two parents I know are so ready to get rid of their kids they’d hand them over to a sentient meat grinder if it meant they could score a few hours of freedom. Since I’m assuming every other parent feels exactly the same way, you can bet they’re gonna be on Team Chad with this one.

Okay, here’s the plan that I just made up but is also the only plan worth considering. First off, you gotta make sure your kids are all masked up if they’re gonna go back to school. Just sit them down and rationally explain how important it is to keep their mask on for the entire six-hour school day. They’ll get it. Kids are possibly a lot smarter than you think.

This next one is a no-brainer. You’re gonna want to have these little COVID magnets washing their hands every chance they get. Honestly, if schools have the skrilla to afford all those teachers’ pensions, after-school programs, field trips, band instruments, sports equipment, and art supplies, then keeping bathrooms well stocked with basic soap and running water shouldn’t be a problem. This isn’t rocket surgery, people!

Now, it’s very important that your school has adequate ventilation according to something I saw on a thing back in March or August. Not sure? No problemo, just call the principal and ask. That’s what she’s there for, as far as I know.

In the event your school lacks proper ventilation, honestly that’s super fucked up and is probably illegal or whatever and is something you should seriously complain about. Don’t hold back either. Head down in person and give it to those greedy PTA fat cats with both barrels. Kablammo! That’s the only way to get anything done at City Hall. Just ask my dad, he’ll tell you.

Some people are saying that the teachers’ unions might flinch at fully reopening schools. Well, those MFers aren’t getting paid to sit online and play videos all day, which is pretty much what I think remote learning might be. You just gotta lay down the law and tell Dr. Safety Scissors and her construction paper crew that it’s time to nut up and get TF to their classrooms. Every chalk jockey from here to Redondo Beach will be back in their woven ties and leather-patched blazers before you can say Flowers for freakin Algernon.

Look, barring some kind of cockamamie scheme like a government-subsidized universal daycare plan, everyone is going to end up wasting all their time shackled to the cherished next generation, spoon-feeding them nutrients and precious knowledge until they’re strong enough to participate in our triumphant society of unparalleled wealth and opportunity.

Basically, it’s time we got people back to work, and got old Chad back to Shooters doing what he does best: downing shots and hooking up. If you’ll excuse me now, I’m about to go eat an adult meal and enjoy an uninterrupted nap on my couch. Good luck, and please note that comments are not being accepted at this time.


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