For years the modern man has been fascinated by the dolphin's purported ability to have sex for pleasure. And although this hypothesis is hotly debated, I contest that we have not been asking the right question. Like the typical millennials most of us are, we've been selfishly thinking only of ourselves. And we've put all the pleasure emphasis into the sex act itself, having not even considered dolphin foreplay.

If you were ever to partake in man on dolphin, or woman on dolphin, or man on dolphin on dolphin (a cross-mammalian three-way), you'd probably go about it all wrong.

A dolphin's blowhole is an exit-only hole, bro. And it's really nothing like a mouth or vagina or tidy anus at all. It's actually much closer to that of Rush Limbaugh's mouth hole, serving only to expel balmy CO2 and slippery, salty fluids. Would you want to have sex with Rush Limbaugh's mouth hole? Even if it was comfortably warm and lubricated by pig lard? Probably not.

Besides the fact that a dolphin's blowhole could completely eviscerate your penis, keep in mind that your average dolphin also weighs 350 pounds, and can reach burst speeds of 20 miles per hour—a mammal that's both friendly and sexually appealing, yet also unbridled and dangerous.

Perhaps you're ready to learn some fundamentals now?

First off, dolphins can smell your fear. So logically, you need to reduce the output of your adrenal glands. The best way to go about this is to get annihilated. Start with liquor, then turn to beer to maintain your BAC at a sense-depriving level hovering in the 0.20's. Bring a breathalyzer (they're like only 70 bucks on eBay) and test frequently.

Also, the environment a dolphin typically lives in (i.e. water) is usually cold. And this can have a somewhat negative Doppler effect on your external sex organs. If you're gonna “do a dolphin right,” you'll need to be savvy. And a good way to be savvy is to attach multiple toe warmers to your penis. Skiers have long been known to use toe warmers to keep even the daintiest extremities insulated against the elements. And now, so do you. The warmth provided will not only encourage blood flow, but also multiple and massive full-on erections, because you'll be supplementing with convenience store boner pills. Anything from 7-11 that claims to boost “size” or “hardness” or “a maniacal desire to hump dolphins” will do.

Now here's the rub: since acquiring a trained dolphin to exploit sexually is virtually impossible (thanks, Obama), you'll need to find a wild specimen out in the ocean. But to find a dolphin, you must first think like one. An attractive one. That's why you must canvas yourself in mackerel. Dead, alive, it don't matter. A dolphin will do anything (and I mean anything) for mackerel. Just remember to not get these bait fish too close to the toe warmers taped to your penis, because dolphins prefer their food raw. Also note that you'll be appetizing to all of the horrifically dangerous sea predators out there. So play a little defense.

Once you have all of your proper effects installed, it's time to get in. And now that you're in, you're drunk, and you're covered in shark bait as chemicals continue to irreversibly scald your penis… I HOPE YOU DROWN, YOU SICK BASTARD. Who in their right mind would ever have sex with a dolphin? Besides Chevy Chase?!? If there is a hell, I hope you and all those other dolphin-fuckers go straight to the VIP section.

You disgust me.