As we approach the end of the year, it might be tempting to reflect on the goals you set for yourself back in January to see how you measured up. But as we all know, 2020 was a real doozy with an Uzi, and it’s both unrealistic and unproductive to hold yourself to your standards from before the reality of this year set in. With that in mind, here’s a guide to retroactively adjusting your 2020 New Year’s resolutions so you don’t feel quite so unaccomplished.

Travel More

A year ago, cruise ships and transatlantic flights may have sounded swell, but ultimately it’s for your own safety that you cancelled your trips. Thankfully, we still had the chance to see exotic places virtually! For example, did you watch Emily In Paris? If so, très bien for you: you travelled.

Get More People to Start Using the Phrase “A Real Doozy with an Uzi”

First of all, congratulations on coming up with this awesome phrase. It’s like, not only is the thing you’re talking about a real doozy—it has a machine gun! So dangerous and intense! But let’s get real: with no in-person gatherings, it’s harder to get your new coinage to catch on. Marc and Pilar’s wedding got postponed, so you didn’t get to use it in your toast like you’d planned, and it just doesn’t land the same way over Slack as it would if you were casually dropping it in the conference room. So if you got anyone to say “a real doozy with an Uzi,” even if they were just incredulously repeating it back to you to make sure they heard you right, go ahead and count this one as a win.

Spend More Time with Friends

The best laid happy hour plans of mice and men! Yeah, this wasn’t happening. Not after bars and restaurants were forced to close, and certainly not after your persistent begging in the group chat that everyone commit to using the phrase “a real doozy with an Uzi” at least once a week. But think about all those Zooms you had with friends—you know, the ones where you had to apologize to them for falsely claiming that you were in the ICU and that your doctor told you, unprompted, that your case of coronavirus was a real doozy with an Uzi. Sounds pretty social to me! Congrats on achieving this resolution.

Save Money

Given this year’s economic rollercoaster, you can hardly fault yourself for not having as much in the bank as you’d wanted. Sprucing up your apartment might have dipped into your savings, but now that you’re always at home, it was a necessity for your mental health. Same goes for the money you spent on that billboard advertising the soon-to-be-popular new phrase “a real doozy with an Uzi.” It’s called self-care! Absolve yourself completely from this resolution.

Eat Healthier

In this stressful year, you needed all the comfort you could get, even if that meant throwing a batch of cookies in the oven now and then. Sure, it wasn’t all kale salads and acai bowls, but there’s nothing wrong with trying to soothe your troubled mind as you come to terms with the fact that “a real doozy with an Uzi” just might not be catching on like you hoped it would. Instead, take pride in the fact that you ate out way less than usual. That’s gotta count for something, right?

Exercise Regularly

Your gym shutting down didn’t make this one easy, but honestly, things weren’t looking so good before that, either. In retrospect, refusing to use anything but the heaviest weights so that you could loudly declare, “That was a real doozy with an Uzi!” after every set may have been a mistake. You pulled all of your muscles, spent a week in bed, and you still can’t lift your arms above your shoulders. One wrong move sends you into a world of pain, so you really have to exercise caution as you go about your day. But exercising caution is still exercising! Resolution resolved.

Get More Politically Involved

Going to that protest was a great first step. It’s not your fault people weren’t a fan of your sign and asked you to leave. Disregard their nonsense complaints that “it trivializes the issue” or “it doesn’t make sense” or “referencing an Uzi, an Israeli weapon, at worst glorifies and at best normalizes the violent acts of an unjust ethnostate.” Clearly, they don’t understand context, which in this case is that “a doozy with an Uzi” is not a good thing! Oh well. Your public apology and promise to listen and learn was still more political than anything you did in 2019, so technically you checked this one off.

Learn Spanish

Una verdadera maravilla con un Uzi” has no rhyme, no rhythm, no joy. Ergo, worthless language. You’re better off without it. Order some tacos and call it square.

Read Ten Books

Okay, this one actually should have been doable. You had a lot more free time, and you got that e-reader last Christmas. But after a certain point, the pain of reading any idiom that wasn’t ‘a real doozy with an Uzi’ became unbearable. “The bee’s knees,” “the skin of your teeth,” “at the drop of a hat”… each one a cruel reminder of your failure. What do they have that “a real doozy with an Uzi” doesn’t? What did their coiners know that you don’t? You couldn’t focus. You couldn’t sleep. You took a walk to clear your head, only to see your waste-of-money billboard, defaced with graffiti by local teens. They’re laughing at you. Everyone’s laughing at you. So it’s only natural you eventually put the books away. But even if you didn’t read them, checking out ten books from the library is impressive—consider this resolution a success.

Coin an Awesome New Phrase to Start Using in 2021

You’ve still got a few weeks. Don’t give up on this one just yet. So you’re a dreamer! You have to be if you want to change the world—and you do. Try some free-associating; look through your rhyming dictionary; use a random word generator online if you have to. Getting this done so quickly will be a real doozy with an Uzi, but that’s never stopped you before.


MORE LIKE THIS