We’re looking forward to having you as our guests next week! We’ll do our best to make your stay at the Cozy Cottage by the Charming Pond an experience you’ll never forget.

Getting here takes a little effort, but that’s part of the fun! We have no street address per se, and GPS doesn’t work well here—more than one would-be guest has driven into the Charming Pond. We’re not real good at giving directions either, so we suggest you stop by the quaint post office off Route 40 (or 14?), and ask for Hank, who’s almost always leaning against the side of the building. He used to work for us before we had to let him go for peeping. He’ll help you find us.

When you arrive, knock at the front door and then stomp three times loudly on the porch to scare away anything under the steps. If we’re in, we’ll open the door; if not, we won’t. Don’t worry, though you’re on Cozy Cottage Time! We’ll get there eventually.

Your room is above the garage. Hank sometimes works on his motorcycles, but it’s pretty quiet most times. You’ll notice an old wedding dress laid out on an easy chair in your room. That belonged to the former owner’s mother. Please don’t touch it, or the urn on the dresser that contains her ashes.

You may use the fireplace in the room, but only after you have scraped the creosote buildup off the chimney walls. Please also make sure that there are working batteries in the carbon monoxide detector.

You’ll have a lovely view of the Charming Pond. At night the pond comes alive with the sounds of toads, owls, and swamp weasels. If you hear a car’s screeching tires and the sound of something heavy hitting the water, please close the curtains immediately and pretend that you’re asleep.

Your room has its own private bathroom. Hank has access to it, but only to wash his hands if he’s been working in the garage. To cut down on water use, we have removed the shower and tub. If you require towels, wash cloths, or soap, please bring them with you. The septic tank is very sensitive, so please don’t flush paper products of any kind down the toilet.

Pets are welcome. Our pack of Jack Russell terriers patrol the grounds day and night. They are excellent ratters. We hope you’re not allergic to reptiles. Hoodie, our cobra, likes to curl up with our guests at night, but don’t worry—we had him defanged.

Breakfast is served promptly at 7 AM. Everything we serve is fresh from our garden. We find new varieties of mushrooms popping up on our property after almost every rain, and we are eager for your opinions! Depending on the season, you may find on your breakfast plate quince, scrapple, or Cap’n Crunch. Please don’t feed Hoodie under the table.

A few more House Rules:

  • Once you park, no in-and-out privileges
  • Don’t kill any spiders you see—they help keep the tick and bed bug populations at bay
  • All food must be secured in bear bins located approximately a half-mile from the property in the woods
  • You will be charged for anything you remove from the room or leave in the room
  • Trash is inspected on Tuesdays
  • Please don’t touch the thermostat. Heating and cooling of your room are controlled remotely by an elderly woman who lives down the road
  • No snoring
  • No smoking in the room, or by the pond if you smell a gassy odor
  • We have a strict cancellation policy: if you make a reservation, you must come
  • No reviewing on social media

That’s about it! We’ll be ready to welcome you at some point during your stay. Hank is in the process of constructing an addition above your room, which should be finished by next spring, so you’ll have another option to consider the next time you book with us.


Follow PIC on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, or good ol' fashioned email.
Get coaching or feedback on your comedy writing from our editors.