America is blessed with an abundance of natural splendor from sea to shining sea, but all that beauty must be protected with a watchful gaze by a trained corps of dedicated park rangers. Of course, except for the relatively rare days that a planeload of elite international criminals rob the US Treasury and then crash in your jurisdiction, as a park ranger your days are going to be marked by a lot of tedium.

How are you going to pass the time? I have ideas!

Form A Team Of Elite International Criminals To Rob The US Treasury

It’s on your mind now, it’s all you can think about, and you know what? Why not? After all, it’s not like you have to go through with it. That’s what’s the crime really, is doing it. But planning it, that’s totally legal—and even ethical! You can point out some holes in their security plan! Sure, the pickings are slim in the forests of northern California as far as international heist experts are concerned, but maybe that’s why you’ll succeed where others have failed: the wiliness of the raccoon!

Build A Companion — A PLATONIC One

There’s a lot of loneliness as a park ranger out in the country. And as we know from zoom meetings with friends throughout this pandemic, electronic communication just doesn’t cut it. So buy a couple of books on robotics. Invent someone to while away the hours with. Don’t get weird, don’t make it a sex thing. Seriously, do not make it a sex bot. Just… leave that whole element out of it. Just make it a friend. You can wrestle it, but just so long as it’s legitimate competition, not sexy wrestling.

Just Build The Sex Bot

Ok, I gave that earlier tip in the heat of a moment when I was going through stuff. Basically, my sex bot dumped me. But that doesn’t mean that you, a park ranger out there somewhere in the backcountry, need pay for my misfortune. It can still be great for you to have a sex bot. But just… be good to it, right? Treat your sex bot with respect. Be patient with it. After all, it’s an extremely ambitious feat of engineering designed and realized in a park service observation tower by a horny park ranger.

Do Puzzles

Puzzles are pretty fun, you know? Maybe you could get one depicting a farm in the south of France, and be transported there from your park through the magic of the puzzle. Or it could be of something else.

Build An Ally To Help Fight The Platonic Robot And The Sex Bot That Have Teamed Up With The Disgruntled Elite International Criminal Team You Assembled For No End

Oh boy. This is a real perfect storm situation that brewed up here. One moment you’re assembling a puzzle of a delicious ice cream sundae, the next moment an attack helicopter blaring intimidating rock music swoops down out of the clouds, and a crew of killers descends on ropes. But this situation is totally salvageable. There’s enough electronics stuff to make ONE more robot.

And sure, we could have a debate about robo-ethics at this point, or about the wisdom of throwing good robots after bad. But this is park service. And robots turn evil. So just build the robot, mount a desperate defense of your observation tower against the sex robot/regular robot/heist team assault force, and be glad that you have something to take your mind off the often rather boring work of tagging and tracking the local bear population.

And if the third robot survives the final fight, blow it up. Just to be safe.