Embarking on the Love Languages test will give you a full analysis into the complexity and variety of your emotional deficiencies. It will provide specific insight that you can use to best communicate warnings about yourself to future partners. But it will not explain why Debra did what she did, move on.

You will see a selection of paired statements. Please select the statement that best defines what is most meaningful to you. Allow 10 minutes to complete the profile, or until you realize that true love is a farce, whichever comes first. Take it when you are relaxed, sedated, or, ideally, fully unconscious.

It’s more meaningful to me when…

  • My loved one goes out of their way to complete a task for me that I feel I need to do but don’t enjoy, like have sex with them.
  • I share a tender embrace with someone I love, distracting them while I steal their wallet.

It’s more meaningful to me when…

  • Someone I love likes a post of mine on social media, even if they are sick of the complete falsehood in which I project online.
  • I get to spend quality time with my partner, just us and the endless stream of content readily available to consume together in silence.

It’s more meaningful to me when…

  • I get to spend uninterrupted leisure time with my partner, because we are both unemployed.
  • My loved one gives me a black check and a knowing look.

It’s more meaningful to me when…

  • I’m around the person I love, even if we’re not doing anything because we’ve reached the end of our personalities.
  • I hear “I love you” from my partner via the monitor I secretly set up in our house that I listen to while I’m at work. Wait, hold on…

It’s more meaningful to me when…

  • I am complimented by my partner for no apparent reason, because he said the monitor was acting strange and I was mishearing things before.
  • I sit on my partner’s lap in order to avoid buying two seats on an international flight.

It’s more meaningful to me when…

  • My partner presents me with a small, but meaningful gift like their virginity.
  • Someone I love sits me down and explains how much I mean to them, in simple terms so that if a child was eavesdropping, they could understand.

Interpreting and Using Your Score:

Quality Time

In Quality Time nothing says I love you like undivided attention, which must mean your internet is down. Having your partner be there for you is important to you, especially since you’ve alienated everyone else in your life after focusing solely on a romantic relationship. You deepen your connection with others through shared time, a philosophy that was instilled in you while serving out your sentence upstate.

Acts of Service

Can recycling a partner’s failed manuscript really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” or “lazy” person can make them understand your love. The words they want to hear are “Let me do that for you,” above everything else, even “I love you,” or “release me from this cage.”

Words of Affirmation

Actions don’t always speak louder than words, especially when those words are gratuitous compliments and the receivers are in constant demand for verbal affection. Weirdly, hearing the words “I love you,” are important to some people (nerds). Conversely, negative remarks can often cut deeply even if one precedes it with “No offense but…”

Receiving Gifts

It’s easy to mistake this love language for materialism, because it sort of is, Karen. But, gifts, especially ones with thoughtfulness, effort, and gift receipts can be a perfect indication of just how much one means to you. If you speak this language (Karen) the perfect gift even if small, like say, a Rolex, shows that you are cared for and prized above all else, but especially above your step-children. If you miss a birthday you will be hunted like an animal.

Physical Touch

Some people communicate best through a physical gesture, although “some people” does not refer to: anyone at the office, the mailman, or the cashier at the grocery store even if they compliment your choice in hummus. Hugs, pats on the back, elbow kisses, vaulted high jumps, and Tibetian throat gargling can all be ways to show excitement, concern, and love. Later on, in developed relationships, it can be preferred to keep a very far distance from the one you love. Remember, let your partner communicate through body language, and not court-ordered warrants, what physical touch they need.