“In case you didn’t know, you can now buy Balenciaga’s ‘IKEA-inspired' tote bag for a cool $2,145 USD. In comparison, IKEA sells their signature tote for just a dollar.” —Jonathan Sawyer, highsnobsociety.com
Being rich is hard, especially in 2020.
You’ve furloughed personal stylists while scrolling through black squares on Instagram. You’ve lounged on three different porches while avoiding requests for donations. You’ve second-guessed every sneeze. You’ve endured all of this only to be canceled for being too rich.
I’m here to help you with an easy, effortless transition into looking like a regular person who may or may not have health insurance. And because you’re classy, I’m going to help you do it without compromising on labels and without under-spending.
Balenciaga Symbolic Large Fit T-Shirt Black for Women
Price: $550 or half the tip for your dog’s masseuse.
Inspired from an era when AOL.com was the entire internet, this T-shirt screams “I love appropriating dyslexia.” Dress up this piece by inspiring Elon to name his next child or dress down to remember all your passwords for difficult days. For the rebel who wants to reclaim language by replacing swear words with symbols, wearing this T-shirt promotes a viral Instagram caption like Stop Censoring Women As Womxn.™
Virgil Abloh: Off-White c/o Virgil Abloh Fence Stacked Skinny Jeans – White
Price: $1125. Might be on sale for $338 so keep the original price tag for the haters in your next monthly Goop post-meditation session.
Release the quarantine stress of being caged-in by being caged-out in this glacial look. These jeans simultaneously capture the idea of freedom for oppressed migrant children as well as for plastic mermaids. Wearing these will qualify you to interrupt every conversation about immigration policies with, “Without ICE, Our Borders Remain Lukewarm and Our Mermaids Get Sunburned.™”
Vetements DHL Printed Cotton Shirt Dress
Price: $1040. Might be on sale for $520 so direct more funds to your child’s Starbucks-only trust fund.
Here’s a look for when you’re tired of wearing masks and still want to get brunch at that super-elite and somehow super crowded restaurant. The DHL logo shows you off as a total package while making you feel like an expensive mail-order bride for date nights. The second crew neck at the hem means you can flip this look upside down, and that’s how you Come Out of The Closet With Sustainability™.
Yeezy Coat: Yeezy Season 6 Carpenter Coat
Price: $988. Might be on sale at $691 so now you can spend more on charcuterie boards while complaining about education is a privilege so it should also be paid for.
Reminiscent of character-building experiences like earning your second beach home, this jacket is excellent camouflage for a $3000/night glamping trip to see the Aurora Borealis. Sport this for your next thirst-trap selfie with the caption Labor Works Real Hard™. This coat also shows everyone you’re a socially-conscious contributor to a presidential candidate (Yeezy aka Kanye West) so people can stop asking for donations already.
Balenciaga: Balenciaga Triple S Sneakers Aw20
Price: $1009 or 1/25th of what you had to pay to suppress that picture of you high-fiving Jeffrey Epstein.
Imitate the influence of rich old white men in an accessible way by stunting these fresh kicks that evoke paternal fashion from the ’90s. These shoes are e-woke™ and reduce your carbon footprint on everything from red-carpets to non-red-carpets. Position these against the window of your private flight to a COVID-free beach with the caption: You Can’t Spell 50% of Patriarchy Without 62.5% of Paternal™.