Fall is a great time to start changing up your skin care regimen before winter settles in. As the air gets colder, your face is going to start to dry up like a raisin. You want to make sure you’re prepared, so that you can still have that artificial youthful glow well into the winter months. How will you attract suitable mates otherwise?

But, with everyone’s obsession with fall, it seems like every beauty care regimen out there is just some ridiculous ritual involving dead leaves.

Well, have no fear! Here’s the beauty routine you’ve been searching for for rich, moisturized skin, without the dead leaves.

1. First, an oil cleanse.

Use two pumps (or about a tablespoon) of your favorite oil-based cleanser. I recommend a coconut oil base, but whatever you find works best. Heat it in your hands and then gently rub it on your face and neck.

2. Rinse.

Wet your hands in warm water and gently rinse off your face. This allows the oil to settle into the skin without making your skin shiny or oily. Afterwards, pat dry with a towel, don’t rub!

3. Apply toner.

Toner acts as a barrier between your skin and all the germs your face comes in contact with. Tip! Don’t use cotton pads because they’ll cause skin irritation.

4. Oh my God FUCK IT.

Grab a fistful of those dead, crinkly suckers. As many as you can. Grind them between your fingers, inhale the dusty plant residue it gives off. Does it scratch your nose? GOOD.

Tell that guy to stop fucking staring at you. Look away! I SAID LOOK AWAY.

5. Now get inside, quickly!

You need a bowl, fast! Find it! Find it now!

You look like a rabid animal. A manic rabbit-kangaroo-bear-thing searching for it’s prey in the brush of the wild.

There’s one! What’s in it? Chickpeas or some shit? On the floor. NOW. Throw it out, all of it.

This is your leaf bowl now. Whisper to it: “I love you leaf bowl.” DO IT. Yes, good.

6. Put those leaves in the bowl.

Fill the bowl with all the crushed, dirty, rotting, dead leaves you gathered outside. The bowl should be overflowing. There should be leaves surrounding the bowl as well, that’s how many leaves should be in the bowl. You don’t have enough. You must acquire more. MORE.

7. Find more leaves.

Rush out the door. Knock over that fucking brat kid that’s in your way.

Where’d all the leaves on your lawn go? The landscaper took them? No problem. Go next door.

Fight off your elderly neighbor raking his lawn. Kill him if you must. Get the leaves. Lie prone on the ground shoving them down your shirt to store them. You’ll need a lot. Stuff them up your nose too. Every hole on your body should be used to gather leaves. Once you have enough go back inside.


At last. Enough leaves. All of the leaves should go in the bowl. Even if they don’t fit. Especially if they don’t fit.

Scatter the kitchen with the leaves. Hang leaves from your rafters. Build shrines to them. Sacrifice them for more leaves.

9. Stick your face in that full bowl of leaves.

Shove your face as far down as you can go until just your nose touches plexiglass. NOW RUB. Rub your face along the bottom of the bowl. Keep your eyes open. Let them burn with the reddish-orange hot light of autumn. Be one with the leaves.

Is the darkess closing in on your vision yet? GOOD. Let it. Let the leaves scratch at the back of your corneas until your vision turns to shapes, then shadows, then into darkness.

10. Eat the leaves.

Do it, Liz. MUNCH MUNCH. Absorb the essence of the leaves.

11. Remove your face from the bowl.

In spite of your blindness, Satan appears. Sell him your soul in exchange for an everlasting fall.

There will always be leaves now. Leaves will fall from the heavens themselves, and Satan will never burden the human race with the other seasons. You will be tortured with humidity and freezing rain and allergy season for all of humanity. The humans will worship you as a deity, never understanding your own human sacrifice.

12. Apply your favorite moisturizer.

Take a pea-sized drop and rub it along your fingers, massaging your face as you work in the moisturizer. Don’t forget to moisturize under your chin too!