By Matt House

Another edition of “Things Everyone Should Be Bothered By”

I can just hear the gasp of college students everywhere cursing my name and this article for saying these value meals bother me. But here’s the thing, they’re so complicated now. There once was a time that no matter where you decided to purchase laxatives for lunch: Burger King, McDonald's, Wendy’s, Taco Bell, whatever, all of their value meals were 99 cents. That’s it. You knew coming in exactly how much you were going to spend and could have exact change ready (six cents on the dollar for me). But now McDonalds got on its economic high horse and decided to make their value menu a flat $1.00 each. Now that really doesn’t mean much to me because McDonalds blows. But Wendy, that red-headed, cum-guzzling gutter-slut decides to make her prices by throwing a dart at a wall. $1.29? $1.19? $1.06 ½? Why can’t things be simple again? If this keeps up, I might have to drop one on Dave Thomas’ grave.

Side note: On a recent trip to Wendy’s in a predominantly black neighborhood, I asked for a Frosty, both the vanilla and original flavor. The girl at the register (she was black) yelled into the mic, “Can I getta bi-racial frosty? Bi-racial frosty.” Now personally I wasn’t offended; in fact, I found it hysterical. But what if the roles had been reversed? If I was a lanky powder-white register boy and yelled into the mic for a “bi-racial” frosty for my African-American customer, a) I would get fired, b) I would be stabbed. Either or, but definitely one of them. But this employee said it with no qualms and no consequences. Talk about freedom. Where is the white man’s civil rights movement to get those kind of liberties?