Hello, and welcome to the company reply-all email thread, which goes out to all corporate employees worldwide. Please read the FAQ below before contributing.
Q1: Can you take me off this list?
A1: Sorry, but no. This email thread goes out to the all-employees list, which is linked to payroll, so there is no way to remove you from it.
Q2: Can I block or mute this thread?
A2: Congratulations on your technical acumen. You could do this, but it would be inadvisable. See Q3 below.
Q3: I don't seem to be getting any other emails besides the reply-all thread. Can you fix that?
A3: Great question! Again, sorry, but no. All company business is now conducted via this reply-all email thread.
Q4: What?
A4: Thanks for your question/comment. The company reply-all email thread started on September 14th, 2007, with a message to all employees of cookies in break room B. The head of IT at the time attempted to shut it down, but without success, and eventually she decided to abandon the effort. As you can imagine, a thread like this takes a lot of resources from our email servers. This left IT with little ability to support anything else email-related, so the decision was made to simply move all company business to this global reply-all email thread. This is how you will receive your orientation materials, assignments, meeting requests, notifications of cookies in the break room, etc. And, of course, everyone else's orientation materials, assignments, meeting requests, and notifications of cookies in multiple break rooms worldwide, etc.
Q5: How does this even work? What about confidential information?
A5: Thank you for your commitment to corporate security. Really, though, most people are too busy with their own work to be concerned with minutes of meetings from the steering committee on Dubuque office expansion. On the personal side, several colleagues have conducted entirely successful flirtations, assignations, and full-blown affairs via the reply-all email thread without incident. In exceptional circumstances, you can encrypt a message by shifting each letter forward one (so “A” becomes “B”, etc.; for example, “J mpwf zpv Kbofu, qmfbtf dpnf cbde”), but most people (including Janet) feel that this is not worth the effort.
Q6: Can I just quit?
A6: We're sorry to hear that you are considering leaving us. You are of course free to terminate your employment with us at any time and for whatever reason. If you do leave the company, we will need to maintain communication with you for a period of at least five (5) years, for tax, compliance, and regulatory purposes. This communication will be done by adding your previously provided personal email to the company reply-all email thread, where all corporate business is done. Please note that we cannot guarantee that we will remove your personal email at the conclusion of this period, as our IT staff is almost completely devoted to maintaining the reply-all email thread (see Q4). You are cordially invited to join our company alumni group, which regularly posts discussions, invitations to meetings, notifications of cookies in their new offices' break rooms, etc., on the company reply-all email thread.
Q7: So I'm on this list for life?
A7: Thank you for your question. You will indeed most likely remain on this thread for the rest of your life. We should also note that in the event of your death while employed by us or otherwise, we will need to contact your estate, for tax, compliance, and regulatory purposes. This contact will be done by adding the email of your previously designated emergency contact to the company reply-all email thread, and, should they pass on, to their heirs and successors, etc. There is no group for survivors of company alumni at this time, but we hope to be able to sponsor one shortly. Please monitor the company reply-all email thread for further developments.
Q8: Is there anything good about this nightmarish system?
A8: It's at least better than Slack.