“Peloton, the maker of high-end exercise equipment, faced backlash and ridicule after its new holiday commercial, a 30-second ad in which a man gives a woman one of the company’s stationary bikes as a holiday gift, was widely shared online this week… Before her first ride, the woman says she is ‘a little nervous, but excited.' But her face, many suggested, screamed fear.”
—The New York Times
6:00 AM I wake up before my husband so as not to disturb his REM cycle. Also, he cannot see me until I’ve done a year-long workout with the amazing Peloton bike he gave me for Christmas! This might be slightly challenging because we are raising a child together, but definitely #worthit.
6:10 AM I take a Xanax so I have the strength to approach my brand-new bike. For some reason I have always been a little scared of physical activity of any kind but my HUSBAND bought me this workout bike and I’m going to make him proud!
7:00 AM I finally summon the courage to sit on the Peloton and start my first workout class. A thin chick named Debbie tells me the class will only be three hours but will go by so fast! I have to drop off Jessie at school at 8:30 and get to work by 9 AM but I’m sure it’ll be fine!
8:00 AM I am on the Peloton and my daughter cries at me that she has to go to school. I throw my workout bottle at her to shut her up. She doesn’t get it—I am making her father happy; the only thing I’ve ever wanted to do!
10:00 AM I finish my first Peloton class and am so proud of myself I have a small panic attack. You can get panic attacks from joy, right?
10:10 AM I drop Jessie off at school and her teacher yells at me. She doesn’t understand that you can’t get off a Peloton early, you would be letting it down. Also, my husband set up a video camera near the Peloton so he can keep track of my workouts. And if I stop working out then Jessie could suddenly not have a mommy, and that wouldn’t make anyone happy right?
10:30 AM I show up at work late and get reprimanded by my boss. At work I sit at my desk and dream about getting on the Peloton again and how elated it’ll make my husband! Maybe he’ll finally love me and take us on a family a vacation somewhere far away from physical activity! What a delight that would be!
5:00 PM I get home and the first thing I do is get on my Peloton. I don’t care if Jessie needs a ride to her juggling class, I have priorities now that are more important than her. I choose a class with a good-looking male instructor and I feel like he’s looking right into my soul!
5:45 PM During the workout the instructor says my name and I have never felt such elation! For so long I have struggled to find human connection, to have even one friend and also for my husband to even say hello to me when he sees me in public and hearing my own name spoken aloud makes all the pain feel so worth it!
6:00 PM My husband asks if I will make dinner but I do not hear him because I am doing a Peloton class which will end around 10 pm at night. When I don’t respond he throws his expensive modern art sculpture of a war at me while I am biking! It hurts a little but I know it’s his way of saying he cares and he’s glad I am enjoying his gift! Married couples have their own secret, fun ways of communicating!
11:00 PM I finish my Peloton class and feel so elated! I can’t believe my own husband bought me a gift and I just can’t wait for him to see my new body after a year of working out on this Peloton bike! I know if he’s displeased with the progress, he might kick me out onto the street to strike out for myself, but it gives me comfort that I have a full year to impress him.
11:30 PM I faint from all the working out. While I am unconscious, I see wonderful images of Peloton bikes and sugar plums in my head! I can’t wait to start again tomorrow on my #YearofPeloton Workout Path!