By contributing writer Kyle Parrigan

For five years now I’ve been partying here at the University of Toledo and if there’s one thing I’ve discovered it’s this: Not everyone knows how to throw a good party. Throwing a good party was a skill that I apparently just came to college with. To be honest, I thought everyone could do it with a few kegs and a sorority or two. I was wrong. I made this discovery when one of my friends was trying to throw a party last semester, and I realized he was about to unleash a disaster of epic proportions on the party life of Toledo.

For starters, this guy actually thought if he just invited girls it would be a good time. Sure, dude, fun for you for about five minutes 'til all the girls got bored and left your lame ass party. At least your average sausage-fest probably has beer pong going all night. It was after having this discussion with a friend that I realized we need a degree in this crap. It is the only solution to ensure high-quality parties. Everyone would either learn how to throw a good party, or get their ass flunked out, never to throw a bad college party again. It would be so easy to grade these people too. “So Timmy swears Beast Ice in the kegs is a good idea”: F. “Ah Tommy wants to play Clay Aiken at our party”: F. “Oh you’re too busy to cut the grapes in half so they absorb some of the alcohol in the Hairy Buff”: F. You get the idea.

If everyone in college had at least a minor in Party Science I wouldn’t be seeing an “Everyone Gets Leighed” Hawaiian party with Mardi Gras beads and a Piñata. What the hell. A Piñata? Aren’t we in college now? Why not throw a few goats, some bearded women, and a midget or two in there so we can cover all possible themes. Well, I guess there’s nothing wrong with a few midgets at every party but still, you get the point.

The Party Sci idea isn't just for my school, it's for EVERY school. I’ve provided a sample course catalog to show universities that I mean business.

Sample Course Catalog for the Department of Party Science:

PRTS 101: Beerology [4 credits]
Beer is often the single most important element of a party. This course will focus on the differences between light and dark beers, porters, stouts, ales, etc. Grades will be determined by measuring the size of your beer gut before and after the semester, with guys being awarded points for every half inch added, and girls being deducted for same.

PRTS 123: Computer Applications for Parties [3 credits]
A comprehensive study of MP3 management and an introduction to email and hacking (see PRTS 303 below). Labs will place heavy emphasis on learning how to enqueue songs into Winamp without deleting the entire playlist.

PRTS 202: Basic Liquor Analysis [3 credits]
An in-depth examination of fundamental liquors such as tequilas, rums, vodkas, etc. with an emphasis on taste, history, and ingredients in each. Class will be held at an actual bar for convenience. Students will be required to screw an un-attractive member of the opposite sex and pass out at least once for a satisfactory grade.

PRTS 205: Basic Music Selection [4 credits]
A survey of modern and classic music styles and their applications to party situations. Rock, rap, hip-hop, alternative and pretty much anything without the words “Clay” or “Aiken” will be discussed. A certified DJ will lead the class in introductory spinning exercises just for the hell of it. Possession and use of one ounce or less of marijuana is permitted during music labs.

PRTS 302: Liquor Mixology [3 credits]
The lab work provided in Mixology will give you the knowledge and confidence to mix drinks and make hairy buff at your next party. Final project will be making a drink that includes all of the following words: “sex,” “screw,” “sloe,” “eraser,” “against the wall,” “violent,”
“beach,” and “orgasm.”

PRTS 303: Party Promotion and Recruitment [3 credits]
It can’t be a good party if that hot little freshman with the peg leg and the crossed eye doesn’t know about it. This course focuses on party advertising and guest selection. Topics will include flyer creation and placement, as well as dormitory and sorority location review (for easy access to a lot of guests and because I wanna know where the Tri-Delts live). Other topics will include abusing university mail servers and online conference groups to send out mass emails anonymously.

Prerequisite: PRTS 123 – Computer Applications for Parties

PRTS 308: Gender Awareness, Selection and Effects [4 Credits]
Gender ratios are a key to any good party. This course teaches selection of males and females for use as party guests. Topics included will be sausage fests, tool sheds, fish farms, and meat markets. Course will be case-based to examine the effects of poor gender awareness on the amount of trim at your parties.

PRTS 315: Theme Selection [3 credits]
Themes are a common occurrence at parties and this course covers the principles of planning, selecting and carrying out a theme-based party without coming across as a tool. Topics covered will include Hawaiian parties, Mardi Gras parties, Pimps and Hoes parties, 40’s and Shorties, and XXX parties. Piñatas will not be covered. Midgets
probably will be.

PRTS 388: Contemporary Topics for Modern Partying [3 credits]
I don’t know what they’d teach here. The name sounds cool and my course book showed that pretty much all majors have a class like this.

PRTS 401: Legal and Ethical Environment of Partying [3 credits]
How to not get busted and stuff. Course will include a timed quarter-mile run every week, with a cumulative final run carrying a keg.

PRTS 415: Senior Forum on Party Management [2 credits]
This course is a capstone course that will utilize everything you have learned to this point. Senior Forum will be structured around planning and implementing a real world party. Grades will be awarded based on the number of people who attend, hookups occurring during the event, and freshman passed out in the same bathroom afterwards. Actually, I just like that one for the ensuing conversation:

“Time to haul the freshmen out of the bathroom.”
“But I did it last time!”
“Dude, I bought the kegs. And I already cleaned up all the cups out of the yard.”
“But look at that girl! She must weigh 250 pounds.”
“And the neighbor's yard.”

The only downside to the Party Sci department: Should you successfully complete an undergraduate program in Party Science, your degree is immediately worthless. Unless you come back as a Party Sci professor. But something tells me you're going to have a lot of job competition.

Now go out and earn your degrees!