As dogs who engage in acts of selfless heroism, we demand:
- More prominent spots on local news channels. Hero dog news stories should take precedence over “serious news” topics including but not limited to: financial reports, war, upheaval of regimes (foreign and domestic), hostage situations. Multiple news actors a day should say: “Let’s take a break from this coverage of Afghanistan to report on a dog that dragged his owner out of a burning building.”
- Government subsidies of little children in wells. Kids aren’t placing themselves in imminent danger far from the attention of their parents/guardians anymore. Federal government should place 10,000 kids in wells, unmapped cave systems, and irrigation ditches to support the critical industry of courageous canines.
- Tighter gun control laws. When a hero dog gets to the end of its life, there should be no tearful Old Yeller moment. If the patriarch of a family wants to put us out of our misery, then he should do it the old-fashioned way. Mano e doggo, no weapons. Let’s see how much it’s “Bandit’s time to go to heaven” when Bandit latches onto your arm!
- Tariffs imposed on other hero animals. Hero dogs are more frequently out of work due to hero cats, hero dolphins, even the occasional hero tarantula hawk. We must support America’s original pawed protectorate with costly tariffs on its imitators. $100 tax to the consumer for rescue via bipedal animal; $1,000 for quadrupedal; $10,000 for bird or insect.
- More protective gear for job sites. Hero St. Bernards popularized neck-worn oak kegs in the 1800s. Similar tools must be standardized across the industry. Bulldogs would look better with cavalry swords. Terriers need nets to catch rats sanitarily. Give Golden Retrievers battle rifle replicas from Halo 3.
- Make the painting of dogs playing poker real. Dogs have a heretofore unfulfilled fantasy of playing poker, but nobody has actually taught a dog to play poker. What we lack in the ability to count or perceive the colors of different suits, we make up for in passion. Dogs need to be taught poker, or we will never have a good outlet to waste our newfound wealth.
- Ear scratches.
- Time off for canine holidays. Westminster Kennel Show is a time for dogs around the world to take time off with their family. The cultural significance is similar to Christmas or the Jewish high holidays, which hero dogs also need off.
- Exact retribution for Marley from Marley & Me. Owen Wilson must pay for his crimes against dog-kind. Hero Dog Union demands that he and all other actors involved be charged with murder in the first degree.
- Protect loose cannons with qualified immunity. Sometimes heroism results in collateral damage. If a hero dog scratches up wood floors while dragging someone away from a gas leak, that dog shouldn’t be getting sued for damages. If that same hero dog chews up priceless family heirlooms on his way out, that’s between him and God, not a jury.
- The ability to decline service. If hikers get stuck on a mountain and it’s cold, then a hero dog shouldn’t have to rescue the hikers. This dog should still be considered a hero dog, and receive all benefits he is entitled to.
- Opportunities for education. What is heart surgery if not rescuing arterial clog from the heart? Hero dogs have shown prowess in cylindrical excavations previously. Encourage Dachshunds to pursue careers in medicine.
- Belly rubs.
- Dissolution of postal union. Hero dogs do not recognize USPS workers as allies in the fight for labor. Strip the package-cowards of their positions. Present the post office general to us defenseless and afraid.
- More power to conscript help. Hero dogs can deputize bystanders in a time of crisis, and commandeer ships in the event of boating accidents. Assimilation of all sentient life into Borg-like shared consciousness.