Dear Jessica,

I write this letter with no hope and with no agenda. I now understand that there will be no happy ending to you and me. It’s unfortunate, and I regret not saying the things I should have when I had the opportunity to say them.

It’s not easy for me to write this, but I love you. I have loved you with all of my heart from the moment I first met you, if you can believe that. For weeks now I’ve been trying to convince myself that you’re a heartless bitch, not worth the rag you use to wipe Todd’s cum off your face. While that may be true, I am irrevocably and most unfortunately still in love with you.

And yet you have a boyfriend, a problem I was unable to alleviate you from. I can accept that fate never gave us a chance, and I accept that I am not the person you sleep next to every night. You are my tragedy, payback for all the shitty things I’ve done in my short existence. I accept all those things… but if I can’t have you, then I refuse to allow Todd to.

It’s almost ironic how things unfolded. I’ve known Todd my entire life, and he has always counted me as his closest friend, trusted me with the most damning of secrets. Considering everything, I probably shouldn’t do what I’m about to do… but fuck Todd.

The following is a list of things you may or may not know. Some of them might have happened long before you two met, but their egregious nature warrants their place on this list. I just think (if he’s the one you’re choosing, which apparently he is) that you should really know who he is. So, here goes…

1. He slept with Becky, a.k.a. The Horse Face, last year when you went to visit your grandparents. It’s gross, I know.

2. Freshman year he slept with Tina behind your back… habitually.

3. He stole $47 from your purse to buy Madden ‘06.

4. He was the one who spilled soda all over your laptop, not Christina like he said.

5. When we were in sixth grade, he fingered the retarded girl who rode our bus.

6. He, in fact, does not know your middle name. Go ahead, ask him.

7. Last August, in Montreal, he kicked a bum in the ribs, and kicking ANYONE is just wrong.

8. He stole my little sister’s copy of the Rainbow Bright movie, and watched it like a hundred times. Then he tried to pretend like it didn’t happen when I found it in his room.

He also:

9. Got his honor medal in Boy Scouts by lying.

10. Slept with Kim like last week, and told you he was at my place.

11. Thinks you look fat in your brown jacket. (I happen to think it looks very nice.)

12. Thinks Sammy Hagar was a better lead singer than David Lee Roth.

13. Got drunk and forgot to go to his grandmother’s funeral.

14. Spray painted “f****t” on the side of a church…

15. …Then lied and told the cops it was some other kid.

16. Hooked up with his little brother’s girlfriend last Christmas break.

17. Pushed Greg Dannon out of his tree fort in seventh grade. Greg broke his leg.

18. Subsequently, wrote “f**boy” on Greg’s cast. Greg’s parents are hardcore born-again Christian. They did not, in fact, find this funny.

19. Wet the bed until he was like twelve. Whenever he spent the night at my house he had to bring his “special sheets.”

20. Uses racial slurs while playing video games.

And finally:

21. One time, on a field trip, Todd shit his pants on the bus, and when we stopped at McDonald’s for lunch, he tried to flush his shit-filled underwear down the toilet. Instead of going down the drain, it backed up the toilet, which then overflowed, because he kept flushing, resulting in a one-armed McDonald’s employee having to mop up Todd’s shitty mess.

I could keep going with this list, but I think 21 is a good number to stop at. Besides, I can’t really top the last one.

I don’t know what else to say or do at this point. I’ve already lost you. I really wish things could have been different, that I was a different, or at least the person you wanted me to be. For whatever part I had in all this, I’m sorry.

Unfortunately yours,
Dave


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