It’s a great day for baseball coming to you live from Municipal Public Park on a breezy Sunday afternoon. I’m your announcer Ken Papers and today’s matchup is between the startled dads and the factory workers.

Now as I understand it, the dads have just woken up and are stumbling around in the dark to defend themselves. Meanwhile, the factory workers are testing the bats for durability as is their job description.

In their last meeting, the game went into extra innings. The dads effectively hit everything except the ball causing a lot of property damage while the factory workers could not settle on a proper bat to even take a swing. After 19 innings and three rain delays, it was a draw at 0-0.

Our first batter for the dads is Paul Smith. Smith is wearing his pajamas and has just woken up after hearing a thud near his garage where he keeps his prized 1998 Volvo. He’s definitely going to come out swinging—let's hope it’s in the direction of the ball.

On the mound for the factory workers is Gabriela Guitierrez. After careful inspection of each of the 108 stitches in the baseball, she lobs the ball towards the plate as if it’s toward the bucket where they collect good balls.

Smith eyes up the ball. A swing and a miss! Strike one! The crowd is loving that one.

Now it looks as though Smith is startled by the jubilation of the crowd here this afternoon and has run off with his bat. Security will have to do what they can to get him settled down. Holy moly folks.

Filling in for Smith is Michael Miller. Miller, wearing underwear and one sock, heard a loud commotion outside that has his adrenaline pumping and he’s ready to knock whatever it is out of the park.

Oh no. It looks as though Smith has run back onto the field and is attacking Miller. He probably thinks Miller means trouble because he’s the only other person on the field holding a bat. With Miller in a similar defensive state, the two are likely to hurt each other.

Oh dear. The succession of bat noises hitting each other has caused each of the players in the dad’s dugout to run onto the field with hate in their eyes and bats in their hands. It’s an ugly sight folks. A flurry of tired men hitting each other with baseball bats. I think they’re going to have to forfeit the inning to the factory workers.

***

Sorry for the delay folks. Lots of bat shards to clean up. We also have an announcement that John Jackson, Samuel Truman, Paul Singer, and Hugh Baker will not be returning to the game due to sustained injuries. After the first at-bat, the score is tied 0-0.

Coming up to bat is Valeria Dominguez. She’s a 61-year-old grandmother out of Barcelona and her shift is from 9-6. She has yet to hit a ball this season and is more concerned with the ball compromising the structural integrity of the bat.

And she takes the plate. Takes a few practice swings. She calls time. Takes a few more. And she takes the plate. And she calls time again. Another practice swing. Making sure the bat is absolutely perfect for what is about to happen. And it looks like she is taking another practice swing. One more. One more. And another. She walks towards the plate and asks the umpire to dust it off. While he’s doing that, she’s taking a few practice swings. You never can be too sure. And the umpire has finished cleaning off home plate. And it looks like she is taking another practice swing.

While she's getting that sorted out, let's introduce the dads’ defense. On the mound is Carl Huntington looking sleep-deprived as ever and wearing two different shoes: a wingtip and a flip flop. He has a league record of 35 walks but he’s been given a chance to prove himself today after the first inning bloodbath left the dad’s starting pitcher in critical condition.

And here’s the pitch. Ooo! And the pitch hit Dominguez directly in the face. The factory worker’s dugout does not like that and they have taken the field! The dad’s bat boy is passing out bats to each of the players and they too are descending on the opposition. Oh my! It looks as though the dads are trying to hit anyone and anything around them while the Louisvilles workers struggle to restore the bats. This has really gotten out of hand! What can I say? This is the worst thing I have ever seen.

But it must be done. It must be done for one simple reason. This is the only way for people to still enjoy America’s long-held pastime in the modern age. But why, oh why, does it have to be so violent? If you’re listening at home to the sound of this blood-curdling scream and think you have a better idea of how baseball could be revitalized for a modern context, please call your local lawmakers. We need to put an end to these government-mandated sports once and for all. Maybe it can be like regular baseball rules and they wear funny outfits. Just an idea.

Next week the surviving dads will face the undefeated ex-girlfriends destroying your windshield while the surviving Lousville Slugger factory workers face the Rawlings factory workers. Well, at least that second one won’t be violent.

Remember baseball fans, the change starts with you.


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