Ah, what a perfect day. The beach is empty; I guess I'm the only person who decided to visit on a Saturday afternoon. The pristine breeze rushes through my hair and doesn't whisk sand into my eyes as I walk barefoot to the ocean. Fortunately, I don't have to worry about stepping on glass because “don't litter” signs always have a 100% success rate at the beach.

Seagulls adorn the scenic sky, but they never get so close that I worry about dodging their droppings or being harassed for a bite of my sandwich. Speaking of which, having a meal on the beach is always an impeccable experience. I never accidentally ingest grainy specks of sand, despite eating on the ground in direct line with the ocean breeze.

I've always felt a special connection with the ocean. The moment I step in, white-capped waves rejoice at my presence. The sentient water can tell I'm not the type of person who would abandon a plastic straw on the shore to be a hapless turtle's last meal.

The waves draw back to reveal a majestically colored conch shell. I gently pick it up and hold it to my ear. The ocean whispers, “Thank you for caring.”

“No problem.” I respond coolly, and resume my walk down the glistening shoreline.

Suddenly, I notice hundreds of baby sea turtles crawling pathetically across the sand in a struggle to reach the water. A gang of pelicans circles the turtles threateningly, ready to scoop them up in their trash-can mouths. So, I do what any expert conservationist would do and spring into action. I scoop up armfuls of turtles and rush them to the ocean's edge. I skillfully dodge the jaws of hungry pelicans by utilizing an impressive display of gymnastics and karate. Every single turtle makes it to the ocean unscathed. Some quick number crunching concludes that sea turtle populations will double by next year thanks to my heroism. Not bad!

On the horizon, dolphins leap out of the water, followed by a humpback whale, then manatees, and then what appears to be a mermaid. Yep, that was absolutely a mermaid. I always knew they existed.

Just as I'm prepared to call it a day and head home, I notice something shiny sticking out of the sand; a sort of vintage bottle. Upon closer inspection, I notice a faded message rolled up on the inside: “The treasure you seek is nearer than you think. Look beneath the X between the trees.”

I tentatively scan my surroundings and notice two palm trees forming an X-shape waving in the breeze. I hesitate. What are the odds that the bottle would wash up here, in the exact spot the treasure is? I kick up some sand in the general area and immediately unearth a wooden chest. Inside is a trove of ancient pirate jewels. I selflessly plan to donate part of my findings to worthy charities, such as the Pelican Eradication Society.

I relax by reading a quick novel, and then hit the waves. Despite never surfing a day in my life, I end my beach excursion by executing a perfect barrel roll. A cruise ship filled with thousands of people docks on the shore just in time to witness my trick. Several attractive lifeguards present me with the “#1 Best Surfer of the Year” trophy. Thank you, thank you! I owe it all to the YouTube surfing tutorials I watched yesterday!

Wow, it's been a long hour! I admire my now perfectly tanned skin as I stroll back to my car, and reflect on how rewarding it is to be one of the few people who truly loves and understands the ocean. I can't wait to come back next year!