Rule #1: Women don't mind if you forget to acknowledge your wedding anniversary…as long as you are celebrating a higher cause.
You've just eaten an entire bucket of barbeque-fried chicken, you're on your 12th can of beer, you're wearing an old t-shirt with holes in it that says "Yeah I Farted…What Are You Going To Do About It?"…and you're picking your nose and wiping it on that t-shirt.
Your wife walks in and asks what you have planned for the wedding anniversary.
Don't panic. Just look at her calmly and tell her that you will not be able to celebrate your anniversary this year because you are already celebrating the opening night of a brand new TV medical series called "Internal Organ Failures and Testicular Deformities…When Surgery Goes Horribly Wrong."
Rule #2: Women like men who are honest about the pornography they own.
Sue: "So, Bob…I was cleaning the closet yesterday, and I found a hidden stack of Playboy magazines. I didn't realize you had all this pornography. So…do you find those women more attractive than me? Is that why you look at them all the time?"
Bob: "Um…no, not at all. I collect lots of Playboy magazines because I'm thinking about submitting articles to them for publishing. You see, I'm trying to analyze the articles that are already published in Playboy so that I can adapt my writing to the interests of the common Playboy reader."
Sue: "Oh, I see. You want to write for Playboy. So, why is there a magazine in your stack titled ‘Pamela's Penetrating Adventures with the Mysterious, Exploding Glory Hole?' Were you planning on writing for that magazine too?"
Rule #3: Women like men who go the distance to show their feminine side.
When I say "feminine," I'm not referring to the loving, supportive, nurturing, caring, understanding, emotionally sensitive side that men have…I'm talking about the type of femininity displayed by the serial killer Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs.
What can I say? Behind every strong man is an even stronger woman…and inside of that woman is a socially maladjusted, stuttering, delusional, psychotic, male serial killer who has made himself "beautiful" by collecting skin from his victims and sowing it together to create a pretty-looking female skin sweater complete with breasts.
When it comes to displaying your feminine side, don't be a pussy, be a man and go the distance. The next time you're on a date, invite the girl over to your house, take your clothes off, put on make-up, eye-shadow, lipstick, and a wig, tell your reflection in the mirror that you would fuck yourself if you were a woman, push your wiener in between your legs, crank up the song "Goodbye Horses," and proceed to dance around naked in your living room.
Don't worry, this will work. I can't think of a single woman who wouldn't be impressed by a man who imitates Buffalo Bill by dancing around with his wiener in between his legs. I've never actually tried this, and I probably never will…but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't.
Rule #4: Women like men who have a positive attitude about children.
Whoever came up with the phrase, "Children are our future," forgot the second half of that phrase…"and our future involves an impending apocalypse."
And if you look at the facial expressions and the intelligence levels of anyone under the age of 25, you will probably understand why this apocalypse is absolutely necessary. Actually, you will probably come to the same conclusion if you look at the facial expressions and the intelligence levels of people over 25 as well.
Rule #5: Women (especially attractive ones) don't expect nice guys to be cold-hearted bastards…so give them a pleasant surprise.
If you're a nice guy with a decent amount of intelligence and NOT a complete asshole, I guarantee you've heard this phrase at least once…probably from a woman who was trying to make you feel better about your seemingly permanent singlehood:
"Don't worry [Your Name Here], women eventually get tired of being with assholes when they get older, and they start looking for nice guys like you."
Reply with the following:
"Oh really? So what you're trying to tell me is that when women are young, beautiful, energetic, attractive, passionate, and full of all the love and romance that sparkles like a diamond in their sexual prime…they like assholes. But when they've been used up, heartbroken, and cheated on numerous times…and when the soul-crushing burden of raising children and getting divorced has taken its physical toll…and when all the love and romance has completely dried up…and when they are so broken down that they just want some boring, gutless nice guy to provide them with a false sense of security and NOT cheat on them…and when they have become jaded, wrinkled, cold-hearted, angry, tired, cranky, less attractive, emotionally burned out, sexually frigid, moody, and passionless…THEN THEY LIKE ME?! WOW!!! THAT'S AWESOME!!! I CAN'T EVEN TELL YOU JUST HOW COMPLETELY FUCKING HAPPY I AM TO HEAR THAT. This is truly such great and wonderful news that you have given me. I can hardly wait. In fact, I'm so excited that I just blew a load right in my pants. Excuse me….I'm going to clean out my pants, and then I'm going to chop my dick off… because apparently I won't be needing it anymore. Is there anything else you'd like to tell me? I'm all ears."
Rule #6: Women like men who suddenly pull out a notebook on an airplane and start writing about things that are vile, degenerate, mean-hearted, negative, creepy, self-degrading, immature, and horribly disgusting.
…just like the poor, unfortunate young woman who is currently sitting next to me as I'm writing this article on a flight from Tokyo to Chicago. After glancing over at my notebook, she has seen me writing about flatulence, testicular deformities, pornography, glory holes, serial killers, female skin sweaters, the apocalypse, negative attributes of older women, and of course the two most recent phrases "I JUST BLEW A LOAD RIGHT IN MY PANTS"…and "I'M GOING TO CHOP MY DICK OFF."
I can only imagine she wishes that she had NOT been seated next to me for the duration of this 14 and a half hour flight.
Rule #7: Women like men who are academically inclined.
Girl: "Wesley, it's so exciting that this is our first date. So, what do you like to do for fun? Do you go out often?"
Wesley: "Actually, whenever I'm not teaching, I'm usually working on my book, which I hope to get published within the next year or so."
Girl: "Wow, really? What's it going to be called?"
Wesley: "Noun Clauses, Prepositional Phrases, Modifiers, and Everything Else You Wanted to Know About Parallel Sentence Structure But Were Too Afraid to Ask."
Wesley: "Yeah, it's going to be a good one. I really hope it's successful. I can't wait to start on the sequel, ‘Relative Pronouns…And How to Make Room for Them in Your Life.'"
Girl: "…Um, yeah…that's really…exciting…"
Wesley: "I can't help it. I love grammar. With all of life's confusion and random chaos, a person really needs something stable to hold onto…and for me, that something is the wonderful universe of grammatical laws and conventions. I can always trust the rules of grammar because they never lie to me like women do."
Wesley: "Do you want to know one of my guilty secrets?"
Girl: "Not really, I actually need to…"
Wesley: "When I start thinking about all the intricate details involved in learning how to distinguish between relatively long ‘simple' sentences with multiple subjects, predicates, and prepositional phrases and relatively short ,yet deviously misleading, ‘complex' sentences that contain relative pronoun clauses…I get a little bit excited."
Girl: "What do you mean by…'excited'…?"
Wesley: "Sometimes, when I'm alone at night and nobody else is around, I look at certain grammar websites and download sample worksheets that I'm not supposed to download without being an approved member. Hahaha…I guess you could say that I have a ‘bad side.'"
Girl: (unimpressed) "Yep…you're a real bad boy."
Wesley: "Hey…you want to know something else? I can't believe I'm telling you this. I mean, we don't really know each other that well, but when I look at all those downloaded worksheets…with all those dependent and independent clauses…and all those adverbial phrases and modal auxiliaries…just sitting there exposed for everyone to see…I lose control, and I start printing them off."
Girl: "Oh gosh, look at the time…I have to…"
Wesley: "Please don't tell anyone this, but I actually printed off lots of those worksheets. I keep them hidden in my bottom drawer underneath old socks and underwear so that my mom doesn't find them. Sometimes I invite friends over to look at them and… Hey wait! Where are you going?"