Go on Living!

When your body dies, want your mind to stay alive? Sure, you do! With HAUNTED LIVING, LLC implant your ghost in any solid object. Have you ever wanted to haunt a house? Want to become the spirit of a sword and guide your wielder with wisdom? Perhaps you are distempered and would like to curse an object to ensure no one will ever enjoy it. Find a payment plan that meets your afterlife expectations. Don’t let your children go without their loved ones. Can’t you hear them say, “Grandpa is in the radio!” (or) “Grandma keeps the milk cold, ‘cause she’s the refrigerator!” HAUNTED LIVING: It’s a Dead Thing!

KC Undead Vote Buck Abernathy

Are you undead and tired of having no rights and zero representation? It’s time to rise from the ground & emerge from the zombie closet—elect Kansas City’s first living-dead mayor, Buck Abernathy, and zom-be the change you deserve.

Hellenic Funeral Home

Don’t want another boring funeral? Make your death a spectacle like the bronze-age Greeks! Have your body burned on an awe-inspiring pyre while professional mourners wail into the night air, gnash their breasts, and pull out chunks of their own hair. Contact your nearest Hellenic Funeral Home event manager.

Crew Needed

Crew of 35 needed for sunken treasure hunt to Bermuda Triangle. Inquire w/ Fuscia Beard room 27 above Boston harbor customs house. “Your family gets paid even if you don’t make it back!” GUARANTEE.

PSA: False UFO Activity

Attention residents of Central Arkansas— The flying saucers you see are not aliens but witches having a laugh at your expense! Stop trying to get them to beam you up. It has been estimated by the Southern Superstition Commission that up to 95% of reported alien abductions involving an anal probe are witches using you for their own depraved entertainment. Don’t be fooled by these con artists. All suspicious anal probings are to be reported to the Sheriff of the corresponding county.

Vampire Blood Bank

Why donate your blood to the sick? Immortals deserve your barely-earned serum. Donate your blood to the International Vampire Blood Bank. Top dollar for rare blood types untarnished by disease. Just be glad it isn’t the good ol’ days when we would drain you dry and leave you on the curb. (Brought to you by Red Reverse Cross charities).

Black Forest Vacation Adventure

Explore Germany’s mystical Black Forest and encounter ancient ghosts still running from the Romans, discover low-profile geriatric Nazi in hiding, steal a glimpse of the endangered Wood Elf—or maybe happen upon a metal band recording a music video. Book your Black Forest adventure today!

Wanted: Cursed Heirlooms

Have a cursed family heirloom, but don’t want to lose a precious piece of ancestral history? Donate your item to the Underground Smithsonian and preserve its memory forever in what the New York End Times called, “the greatest concentration of evil in one place.”