Warning: The following material contains offensive language; poor attempts at humor; untimely and inappropriate references to male and female genitalia; extremely long, eccentric, and needless descriptions of things that never really happen to people; a touch of caffeine-fueled intensity; a dose of alcohol-fueled creativity; an infinite load of “un-called for” and misdirected anger towards things that DO NOT actually affect me on a daily basis (or at all); a medium amount of truth; a hint of romance; a low amount of intelligence; and an embarrassing amount of useless adjectives… all of which indicate that I probably need truck-loads of medication and years of therapy. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

1. “It is what it is.” (Closely related to its rotten cousin, “Things are the way they are.”)

Well thank you so fucking much, Gandhi!! Before you say something else intelligent, please allow me to tie this noose around my testicles and hang myself upside down…for fear that you may utter something else that over-stimulates my intellectual capacity.

2. “I have a book that might help you.”

2007 Penthouse Magazine - Golden Delicious
I hope you're not fond of words.
And I have a book that might help you…the 2007 issue of Penthouse Magazine. You might like it. YOUR SISTER IS IN THAT ISSUE!

I guarantee you won't make it to the age of 30 without at least 10 to 15 people saying this to you. But if you think about it long enough, and if you carefully consider the person who says this, you'll eventually realize that HIS LIFE IS EVEN MORE FUCKED UP THAN YOURS!! And, consider the author of the book. God!!! Can you imagine how fucked up his life is? I mean, why else did he write the fucking book in the first place?

If you have a book that might help me, please do us both a favor and put that book back where it belongs: IN YOUR ASS!!!

3. “Wherever you are…BE THERE!”

Let me get this straight. I'm supposed to BE…wherever I AM? Well holy jumping balls of green shit!! Thank you, Mr. Newton. I wasn't quite sure if I'd been applying enough effort to this one or not. You know where you usually hear this phrase? At one of those bullshit high school assemblies or one of those “mandatory” college gatherings where they pack you all into some lecture hall like a bunch of sardines so you can listen to some jerk-off motivational speaker who can't get a job doing anything else. (Well, unfortunately he did find a job telling YOU about the facts of life.)

This phrase is basically bullshit because it implies that you should pay attention to every single situation you find yourself in. Well, okay, there is some logic to that…but what if you're at an insurance seminar, or a bank line that runs all the way into the street, or on the phone listening to elevator music while you wait for a service representative from your credit card company to tell you that your card is being cancelled because you purchased too many French ticklers and dildos trying to impress your girlfriend.

Or worse yet…

What if you're in a dentist's office on a 110-degree day with beads of sweat running down the crack of your ass while you get old, neglected teeth yanked out of your crotch as your dentist keeps absent-mindedly re-telling you the story about how he accidentally got a fishing hook stuck in his testicles because he drank too much beer out on the river one morning?

I mean, for fuck's sake!! There ARE situations when you're allowed to let your mind wander a bit. So wherever “you are”…reach “over here”…AND JERK ME OFF!!!

4. “Idle hands are the devil's workshop.”

This phrase is just as fucking bad as the last one. I don't like this phrase for two reasons:

The Devil's Workshop
Even the devil has to just eyeball it occasionally.
Reason #1: It implies that if I get bored at any given moment, I'm automatically going to do EVIL SHIT!!! “Oh jeez, I was going to go torture and mutilate a small animal right before raping, killing, and destroying an entire village of helpless, screaming people right after I steal someone's car, take a shit in my neighbor's yard, fuck my best friend's sister, get involved in the drug business, and burn down a few churches…but…nah…I think I'll volunteer to help bag groceries down at the supermarket instead.” Give me a break!!

Reason #2: It implies that the devil himself has absolutely nothing better to do than sit around and wait for me to get bored!! Sounds kinda pathetic to me. If idle hands are the devil's workshop, then tell the devil to fondle my balls…I'm too fuckin' lazy to do it myself.

5. “You gotta do what you gotta do.”

Yeah…okay, and I gotta do what I gotta do…which involves locating people like you and running you over with my truck.

6. “Attitude is everything.”

So is bungee jumping without a cord. You should try it sometime…

7. “You never really appreciate what you have until it's gone.”

Oh yeah…well I really appreciated my SANITY before I started talking to you…you bone-headed prick!!!

8. “I've got a really good deal for you…”

Well, I hope part of this deal involves a price-reduction on Band-Aids and stitching equipment…because my asshole is still bleeding profusely from the last “good deal” you gave me.

9. “If you want something bad enough…it will happen.”

Who are you, the fucking tooth fairy? If this statement is really true…then how come I haven't been cornered, tied down, abused, and repeatedly violated by a naked, lonely, frustrated, sexually-hyperactive jungle-woman with absurd body piercings and erect nipples? I've wanted that to happen since I was 6, but it still hasn't happened. STOP FEEDING ME EMPTY PROMISES!!!

And finally…

10. “I can't believe you behaved that way last night….what were you thinking?”

I'm only going to say this one more time. I'm sorry I started throwing money at your sister last night. It's not MY fault she started dancing topless on the bar. You know…we wouldn't be fighting like this if your brother and your dad hadn't talked her into it…

Continue to Part 2, “10 MORE Expressions That Really Piss Me Off” »