In the hope of clearing up any lingering confusion or ill will on the part of the citizens of Clay County, I want to set the record straight regarding the information that was disseminated between the hours of 9:00 PM and 4:30 AM two nights ago by Cindy, my girlfriend, who is also the Clay County Emergency Alert System Coordinator. The fifty-three alerts received via email and/or text message by all county residents whose email addresses and phone numbers were registered with Clay County’s Emergency Alert System were, in my estimation, regrettable.

I certainly regret having caused them.

I also regret suggesting that my parents, who recently relocated from Florida, should sign up for Clay County’s Emergency Alert System.

In my opinion, a mass communication system designed to warn us of an incoming storm, notify us when an elderly neighbor has gone missing, or inform us when the pool at the YMCA is closed again because a child (or lost elderly neighbor) has created a “sanitation issue” was not the appropriate vehicle for much of what was distributed publicly via taxpayer dollars two nights ago.

Furthermore, the fact that the Clay County Emergency Alert System received a 685% increase in registrations this week ought to be a source of shame, not pride, for our county’s public officials.

It should definitely not be the central element of the county’s most recent social media campaign.

That said, since we seem collectively willing to look past the egregious misuse of our shared county government property, and in light of the overwhelming success of Cindy’s hastily launched GoFundMe page, I want to address a few specific instances of misinformation.

Despite the first alert you likely saw from Clay County via text or email shortly after 9:00 PM the evening before last, I want to assure you that I am not a registered sex offender. Nor, as Alert 2 suggested might be possible, am I a non-registered sex offender.

As for Alert 3, this one was technically accurate, as it turns out that my apartment is, in fact, located within 1000 feet of the Edgewood Elementary School, which I learned first-hand from the backseat of a county-owned Ford Expedition.

I hope this goes without saying, but as far as Alert 4 is concerned, I should clarify that “Hurricane Steve Who Can’t Keep It In His Pants” will not make landfall anytime soon. It is not even a real hurricane.

As I believe alerts like these and others amply demonstrate, Cindy and I have been going through a bit of a rough patch.

Obviously, I now realize that I misunderstood what “needing some space” meant. And, as Alerts 5-9 made profanely evident, it is clear that Cindy took issue with one very specific space that I, in a spontaneous moment of passion, ended up needing.

On this point, I want to address the unfortunate turn that Alert 13, and subsequently, Alerts 14 through 27 took, and apologize to all the fine upstanding women who work at Barb’s Diner, which continues to offer some of the best scratch-made biscuits in the region, is conveniently welcoming to late-night regulars, and boasts an unusually secluded and spacious kitchen prep area.

None of the carnal acts described in excruciatingly vivid detail, save one, should have been attributed to any of you, save one.

With regard to the photos and videos attached to Alerts 35-40, I will only say that very few Clay County employees were even aware that the Emergency Alert System had a feature which allowed for the transmission of images. Just as I was unaware, until recently, that most of our community’s security footage, including footage from a discreetly positioned security camera in the kitchen prep area of Barb’s Diner, is archived for up to 72 hours on a central server at the county office.

In closing, it is clear that a majority of my friends, neighbors, and even recently-relocated family members believe that I was “cheating” on Cindy during that fateful and well-documented encounter, rather than alone and lonely at 2:00 AM, drunk on biscuits, and struggling to navigate the changing relational needs of a woman whose professional responsibilities, let’s face it, I had not yet fully appreciated.

Tomato, tomahto.

Given that tens of thousands of new followers of the county’s official social media platforms, a startling number of international media outlets, and several influential TikTok accounts have so enthusiastically embraced the viral refrain of Alerts 41 through 53—“STEVE IS A GIANT ASSHOLE PASS IT ON!!!”—I am resigned to my fate.

I am also confident the years ahead will offer this asshole countless opportunities to reflect on his numerous regrets, which I now understand include being permanently banned from some of the best biscuits at one of the more memorable all-night diners in the state.