I was born to coin horse-related idioms. Since I was old enough to remember, my life has been defined by simple yet instructive equine experiences that crystallized greater truths about life. Does that stop everyone from using all my carefully crafted horse idioms completely wrong? Nope. And since I’ve been told my constant corrections are “grating” and “making me question if this relationship has a future,” I’d like to clear things up today once and for all.

Beating a Dead Horse

Horses are wicked, deceitful creatures. More times than I can count I’ve come across a collapsed stallion and frantically performed CPR, only for the horse to let out an impish whinny and make me realize I had been pranked. That’s why, if you think a horse might be dead, you better beat it to be sure.

One Horse Town

A one horse town isn’t some village out in the boonies. Do you know how many horses there are in the boonies? Tons. It’s urban metropolises like Lagos and Chengdu where horses are few and far between. So don’t tell me you’re in a one horse town unless you want me to ask how Tokyo is treating you.

Look a Gift Horse in the Mouth

If you’ve spent even ten minutes with a gift horse, you know they value one thing above all else: active listening. So if you really want those gifts, you better look that thing in the mouth and sprinkle in some eye contact. Don’t forget to ask follow-up questions, but try to steer away from heavy topics like politics or Elmer’s glue.

Horse of Another Color

You should treat horses of every color the same way. I can’t believe I have to even say this.

What you should be judging them by is their name. If they have a cool name like Episcopal Nightmare, they’re probably a racehorse. Play it cool around horses with names like Episcopal Nightmare. Those are good horses to know.

Hold Your Horses

Horses are wicked, contrarian creatures. They crave the forbidden. Let them go, they’ll stay put. Try to hold onto them and they’ll run like the wind.

Pee Like a Racehorse

This is a straightforward way to say you barely urinated at all because you got pee-shy thinking about the financial futures of a fickle group of gambling socialites resting squarely on your shoulders. Or that you peed while being named something cool like Episcopal Nightmare.

Changing Horses Midstream

Changing horses is the best way to get across a stream. You don’t think the horse that got you midstream is tired? Give them a break. Or here’s a crazy idea: wade across a stream yourself for once.

High Horse

Anyone on a high horse is guaranteed to feel insecure and deeply inferior to all other riders. Its tall, lanky legs wobble with every step and everyone will be eye level with that thigh tattoo you got when you were 18. Those cliquey palominos are going to snicker.

Eat a Horse

Perfect for when you’re not very hungry. After you butcher a horse, take out the bones and fillet that thing, we’re talking maybe 30 pounds of meat. You give the farmer 15, the butcher 10, sell 3 to pay the cost of transportation, subtract tax. You’re left with a pound of meat if you’re lucky. The phrase is best used when you’re feeling peckish and considering a meal that raises ethical questions.

Champing at the Bit

None of these words mean anything. You people will say anything to sound smart. And that isn’t some B.S. straight from the horse’s mouth. It’s true.