Sexual Quotes

"It feels like a penis!"
-Jess, on disturbing impressions while unrolling crescent rolls

Aunt Julie: Darlene, it's okay that your daughter is a lesbian. She's still your daughter, and you'll always have to love her for who she is.
Aunt Joan: I know it's hard to accept right now, and it's going to take some time, but she'll always be Larissa.
Uncle Scott: And just think, she doesn't need condoms. She needs a bib.
-An awkward coming out with the family

Jess: Aah! Your hands are COLD!
Scott: Are they? I hadn't noticed.
Jess: Well... they're wet, at least.
Scott: Ah. Okay. Want to join them?
-Pickup lines that only work on someone you're already dating

"If you put a cock ring on me it would be first degree murder."
-Trut, on his favorite topic

Random Girl 1 (pointing at TV behind bar): Look, it's the medal ceremony for Michael Phelps' 8th gold medal! Aww, he looks like he's so happy he could cry...
Random Girl 2: His mom must be so proud...I bet she's crying.
Courtney: I would do terrible things to that boy.
-Ruining an innocent moment

Ali: What is that? I can't tell if that's your penis or one of your balls.
Kevin: Keep rubbing it and you'll find out.
-Playing with moose knuckles

Kelly: I don't even know what taking it slow means. I usually just skip first, second, and third, and just go for the home run.
Chris: Wow...
Kelly: I'm quite the comedian when I'm drunk.
Chris: No, actually it's so pathetic it's hilarious.
-On America's favorite pasttime

Kelsey: Do you have any protection?
Chris: I have aids...
-Trying to explain that, yes, he has condoms

"We can all suck a few dicks now and then and not be gay. Hell, I love cock!"
-Aamir, postponing the inevitable

Nick: Man, I hooked up with a fugly chick last night.
Ray: Wait...fugly?
Nick: You know...fucking ugly. But come to think of it she was more coyote ugly.
Ray: Wait...coyote ugly?
Nick: You know like, you wake up the next morning and you wanna chew your own arm off to get away.
Ray: You need to raise the bar a little, bud.
-Ray, clearly unfamiliar with low standards

"I'm going to fuck her into a compound spinal fracture. It's not as uncomfortable as it sounds."
-Jarred, on seeing his long-distance girlfriend for the first time in a while

"Someone pour beer down my throat with a spout! Dude, I was watching the nastiest porn on the internet this morning!!"
-Pat, on cleaning the pipes

"The dull ache of her vagina makes her think of me. That has to be one of the sweetest things a girl has ever said to me."
-Dylan, on that hurt so good

Ryan: Would you ever let a woman use nipple clamps on you?
Alan: Maybe. If she is really into it I might.
Ryan: Wow. I bet you would let a girl hit you in the balls with a hammer.
Alan: If by hammer you mean tongue, then yes.
Ryan: You know, a tongue on the balls is worth two on the bush.
-On simple calculations

Christine: So is Charlie ready to have some fun tonight?
Charlie: He has been waiting all day to see you.
Christine: Are we really going to talk like this all night?
Charlie: Yup and when he gets excited he likes to pop up... if you make him happy enough he'll even spit in your face!!
-Girlfriend and boyfriend, on scheduled oral