Sexual Quotes

Michelle: You know what's weird? I haven't felt horny at all this week.
Mike: (takes off his shirt) What about now?
Michelle: Still no.
Mike: (takes off his pants) Now?
Michelle: Definitely not now.
-On anti-stimulus plans

Travis: I can't believe the girl I'm madly in love with has a boyfriend.
Munk: We don't know that, it could have been her brother.
Travis: They were awfully close to be siblings.
Munk: Maybe it's incestuous?
(2 hours later)
Travis: Man, I can't believe the girl I'm madly in love with is dating her brother.
-Rumor travels slow

"Look how deep I'm going. ...That's what she said?? That's what HE said..."
-Tylee, getting things straight while having sex

"I had to give him a blowjob, he changed my oil."
-Hanna, hammered and talking about her boyfriend

"So basically... what you're saying is... having sex with me is like eating sheep guts."
-Stacie, after her boyfriend discovered she was of Mexican descent

Tim: Do you want to have sex?
Girl: No, I’m a virgin.
Tim: Okay...
(5 minutes later)
Tim: Well what about now?
-Gotta give in eventually, right?

L: Why is there glitter on your eyelids?
A: My eye shadow is shimmery. My mascara has shimmer in it too.
L: That makes you a whore.
A: Really? What's your excuse.
-The truth comes out

Erin: She is so cute. I just want to eat her out.
Jon: I think you mean "eat her up."
Erin: I know what I said.
-Erin, coming out of the closet?

Jess: You suck.
Scott: What? Why?
Jess: Because you're not available tomorrow. It's a good thing I totally raped you today.
-When one's just not enough

Random Guy: Hey you heard about that swine flu?
Bee: Are you talking to me? ....Is that seriously how you approach females in bars?
Random Guy: I figure if I can get you to talk about the swine maybe you'll become familiar with my hog.
-Getting diseases out of the way first for a change

Nesli: Friend, do you have a boner now?
Enver: Yess, friend.
Nesli: Oh dear, okay (panics) Umm.... here! (offers hand)
-On the ultimate awkward unexpected hookup

Travis: Oh I forgot to tell you, I got 3/4s of a blowjob in the bar Saturday.
Munk: How do you get 3/4s of blowjob?
Travis: Well this girl I was talking with went to the bathroom and I followed her.
Munk: That's just creepy.
Travis: Anyway, as a joke I whipped my junk out. She put her mouth around it but then said "I have a boyfriend" and stopped.
Munk: You'd think she'd remember something like that sooner.
-So close, yet so far

Anthony: Let me call you back in like ten minutes.
Katie: Nooo why?
Anthony: Just let me call you back.
Katie: Do you need to shit?
Anthony: No.
Katie: You're going to jack off aren't you?
Anthony: Yes.
Katie: K, call me back in ten minutes.
-On common understandings

Roommate: You know that girl is gay?!
Robinson: Really, what the fuck?
Roommate: Yeah, she is...
Robinson: Who'd want to be gay with her?? Hahaha.
Roommate: I have no clue who her girlfriend is.
Robinson: Aww. It's no fun being the lone gay.
-On solo lesbians

M: I'm not a slut, I'm just friendly.
Y: That's what all the sluts say...
M: Well I'm not "in your PANTS" friendly!
-On digging a deeper hole