Sexual Quotes

Adam: As soon as it hits midnight I'm running over there to give him a kiss.
Tyler: Isn't that kinda...gay since you're both guys and all?
Adam: Nah man, I'm only doing it to piss off Brooke.
Tyler: You hate Brooke so much that you're going to be his first kiss as a 20-year-old even if it's pretty gay?
Adam: Fuck yeah bro, I despise that cunt.
-On swinging for the fences even if batting for the other team

Al: If we were stranded on a desert island I bet I could get you to suck my dick. YOU'D BE THIRSTY AND I'D BE THE MILKMAN!!!
Katie: Sorry, I'm lactose intolerant.
-Al, failing yet again

Boosey: Picture her as some butter.
Doyle: Butter?
Boosey: What you gotta do is become a knife... but she's one of those girls that you gotta warm up to it... you know what I'm saying... it's going to be a ton easier with a hot knife. So in the end, buy Viagra.
Doyle: Oh yeah dude, good point..... wait... what?
-On buttering her up properly

"The train in Spain runs on...ME!"
-Rene, after having a train run on her by two guys in Spain

"I'd tell the girl, 'Watch it, bitch, those are my kids in your mouth.'"
-Mikey, on blowjob etiquette

Jules: Nowadays dressing like a whore isn't a good sign that a girl wants to be touched. Apparently they have to be wearing a literal sign reading, "touch me."
Kemmey: Hopefully the words, "for free" will be in parentheses.
-On ideal connections

"If you go, leave your pussy in the mailbox...but wash it first. And vacuum the house...wait, leave the key too. But vacuum the house still. And if you're feeling generous, leave a tittie in the mailbox too...may as well leave both. You're not gonna walk around with one tittie...that's just look ridiculous. Know what? Fuck it. Just leave the pussy and the key. I'll vacuum later. Just get the FUCK out... But seriously though, wash it."
-Ryan, on things better left to the imagination

"Wash your pussy and don't half ass it. I'm gonna know if it's only half scrubbed. It's gonna smell like pussy. I don't like it when my pussy smells like pussy. I want it to smell... ya know, good."
-Ryan, on questionable female enjoyment

"Your penis is playing with my hand."
-A's wife, on the art of seduction

"I love it when girls walk around looking all slutty and sexy. Go by the book, babe, no sex, emotional connection, titties..."
-Danny-boy, shitfaced and talking to himself face down on Tatyana's bed

"In retrospect, maybe the safe word shouldn't have been 'stop'."
-Adam, on fair play in the bedroom

"I don't know why I keep buying condoms when there are so many perfectly good Snicker wrappers on my floor."
-Adam, on low-budget satisfaction

Henri: God I hate doing things.
Eric: What about pussy?
Henri: Well that's not a thing, pussy's an it.
Eric: Oh.
Henri: Yeah it complicated.
Eric: You're telling me, there's so many flaps and folds, I don't know where it ends and where it begins, let alone where do I begin? I always mess up the approach…it's embarrassing.
Henri: Yeah but she's the one that has it. What a burden.
-On the in's and out's of vaginas

Gibbs: Stop smoking, it stinks.
Biggs: Stop licking pussy, it stinks!
Gibbs: I'm ashamed of you! You're gay! You should have never come out of my mother's pussy!
Biggs: I wish I hadn't. They stink.
-On potential birth defects

Jason: You have the slut stamp of about five fraternities on campus. But not mine.
McKenna: Is it a pretty stamp? If it is, I'll take it.
-Drunk at a keg party