Sexual Quotes

Bob: Hey man, what went on at the family reunion last night?
Peter: Man, you hooked up with this girl, and dude she was "hot"!
Bob: Describe her to me man, I was too wasted, I don't remember.
Peter: Long hair, big tits, kinda looks like your aunt, but younger.
Bob: Do you have a picture?
Peter: Yeah, here look.
Bob: Oh....... Oh... My...God!!
Peter: What's wrong?!
Bob: I feel like in Arkansas that was my cousin.
Peter: That's what you call keeping it in the family.

Amanda: That boy was like 17. He's still in high school. How do you know him?
Coury: .....
Amanda: Really? Come on. He's not really cute, he's annoying, and he has to be home for curfew before you've even finished getting ready to go out. Why in hell are you having sex with him?
Coury: He drives a '74 Nova.
Amanda: ....
Coury: He restored it himself!
-Every woman has her price

Joe: So she said she was comin' straight over after work. So I lit some candles, put on the leather thong, cowboy boots and hat. I heard her pull up and got all ready. Then I heard running up the stairs and a little kid's voice as her son opened the door and I went diving into the bedroom to change clothes in a frenzy. She fuckin' picked her kid up first, dude!
Hicks: Wow, sometimes the ways you fail amaze me.
-On jumping the gun

Coury: He said sex just hasn't been a great experience, even though he's had a lot of girlfriends. I don't know if that means I should just accept that it probably won't happen, or if I should try to show him sex the way I experience it.
Lexy: You know how when you go skiing there's the bunny slopes where you just give a little hop and you're good? Then there's the medium slope, not too bad, but then you hit expert. On expert you have to like steer, and jump, and it's really fast and really dangerous? People that aren't experienced can really hurt themselves.
Coury: Yeah...?
Lex: For the love of god, Cor, PLEASE don't send that kid down the expert slope.
-When sex goes downhill

Asad: Why is Evan's sister relevant?
Joe: Is she good in bed?
Evan: Ask Jason.
-Why the Jamaican kid gets

"Man, she was a much better kisser than her brother."
-Sarah, trying on the other shoe

Tim: It's never going to work between you two.
Joe: Maybe it will, maybe it won't. If it does great, if not.... At least I'm gettin' laid in the process.
Paul: Amen, man.
-On the win-win of relationships

Pete: She seems like a nice girl...you should stick it in her pooper.
Norman: Wow, why is that the first place you go to?
Pete: 'Cause it's where she goes...where she goes two!
Norman: Win. (High five)
-On the initial point of contact

Jess: I'm sorry, but "cock" is not part of a nutritionally balanced diet.
Scott: No, but what comes out of it probably is.
-On healthy endings

Catey: My throat is so sore, I can hardly swallow.
Roger: Heh heh...too much deep throating, huh?
Catey: Yeah...
-On pointless innuendos

Catey: On a scale of 1 to 10 how much do you want to have sex with your boyfriend?
Catey's Sister: Well, I'm saving myself for marriage, so like a 3.
Catey: Really?? I would fuck the shit outta your boyfriend!
-Another lesson on sharing

"Eww, aw, man! Don't kiss my face-taint..."
-K Si's wifey, after he kissed the piece of skin between her nose and mouth

P: Wow, you look sexy... I can think of something for us to do...
K: Oh yeah? What did you have in mind?
P: Penis vagina stuff.
K: I'm going to go read.
-On explicit denial

"I mean, I haven't talked to him in like a month. Which I guess is bad, considering the last time I slept with him was like two weeks ago..."
-Caitlin, on "communication"

Joe: I've decided that hiring prostitutes may be better than dating women.
Bill: Oh? How do you figure?
Joe: Well either way I'm gonna spend a bunch of money. And with a hooker I know exactly what I'm going to get and am guaranteed to get laid. Plus I don't have to deal with all that womanly BS.
Bill: You know, you may be a romantic.
-Maybe even the hopeless kind