Sexual Quotes

Jamie: That chick's wicked hot.
Scott: She kinda looks like a squirrel though.
Rory: She'll look even more like a squirrel with my nuts in her mouth.
-On cheeky additions

"There is and never has been love. Only fingerblasting."
-Mike, on the hands-on romantic approach

Shaun: I so badly wanted to fuck Amy last night.
Chris: Why didn't you?
Shaun: When I asked her to, she said yes and when were about to, I forgot what I was doing.
-On temporary performance and/or memory lapse

Clerk: Would you like a bag with that?
Marius: No thanks, she's not that ugly.
-Buying condoms at the grocery store

"Man, I seriously need to get laid. I just woke up from a wet dream about masturbating."
-Kim, expressing her sexual frustration

"I have to stay a virgin. Put it in hole number two."
-Jen, trying to stay pure

"There's more head where that came from!"
-Heather, after head-butting her roommate

Megan: You left him alone in your apartment? Aren't you afraid he'll go through your shit?
Donna: I already fucked the guy. He's already been through the worst part of me.
-On secondary concerns

Pete: Listen, Adam, you have to please Marissa, otherwise she'll take her frustration out on us.
Adam: Her name is Diana.
Pete: There's two of them!
Adam: No, I'm dating Diana.
Pete: Adam, listen, vagina is vagina is vagina.
-Pete, drunk talking to his RA

"Bitches don't know shit about my dick."
-Dan, on pointed female ignorance

Luke: Hey Rob! Slay any dragons?
Rob: Yeah, actually!
Luke: Really? Did they have names?
Rob: I think I got all the named ones. But they have really weird names like Numoniex and Thrumskaled.
Luke: You're talking Skyrim.
Rob: Yeah.
Luke: I was talking about forking girls.
Rob: Oh.
-On virtual miscommunication

Frank: Sweet, free pizza. Well, not to bitch over free food but a cheese pizza is like sex in the missionary position for the sole purpose of procreation.
Styrk: You mean like Catholic girls who can only have sex for procreation?
Dan: So this one time, I was dating a girl who's hardcore religious. Like she wouldn't let me have sex with her unless I marry her.
Ed: Why the hell did you date her if you can't get sex?
Frank: That's like calling a pizza place just to chat and talk about pizzas and not order one. I figure the analogy is apt considering what I said a while ago.

"If I could clone myself I'd date you...except for the fact that you're not my type."
-Dan, comforting a female friend looking for a boyfriend

"Be careful, I have kids in my mouth! Wait no... YOU have kids in my mouth.... shit."
-Derek, getting it all wrong

Lisa: These bathrooms are really creepy, you could get raped really easily. And do you think most people would really come to help if you yelled, "Help me, I'm getting raped!"
Ash: No, they'd probably run away. You'd probably have to yell something like "NO CARB BREAD!" and people would come running.
-On the impact of the Atkins Diet