Police Encounter Quotes

"So after I blew .214 he knew I was lying...."
-Katie, summing up her DUI experience

Police Officer: If I turn this car over, what will I find?
Jay: An exhaust?
-Jay, on the anatomy of a Jeep

Police Officer: Ma'am do you know what this is? It is marahjuana.
Portia: Sir, could you please say Cool Whip?
Police Officer: Cool Hwhhip... that is not important!
-On the cop vaguely reminiscent of Stewie from Family Guy

Police Officer: I caught you going 82 in a 65 zone.
Ace: So? What's your point...
Police Officer: Can I see your driver's license?
Ace: I don't have it on me, sir.
Police Officer: So if I run a check on you it would show that you're legit?
Ace: Duh, what the fuck do you think, I just told you I didn't have it on me.
Police Officer: Here's your ticket, sign here.
Ace: Thank you, Officer, for making my life a lot harder. By the way, what's your name?
Police Officer: Officer Hewtey.
Ace: Okay Officer Hewtey, do you have a family?
Police Officer: Yes.
Ace: How the hell do they put up with you, you dick.

Police Officer: Is that marijuana smoke I smell.
Beau: You shouldn't.
Police Officer: No, that's definitely marijuana I smell.
Beau: WHO THE FUCK WAS SMOKING IN MY HOUSE?!?!
-Beau, right after taking bong rips and answering the door to find the police

Justin (yelling): Shayla, you and Houston can stop boning in the woods! The cops are here!
Shayla: Fuck you, Justin! I'm right behind you!
-Right before getting hugs from all of the cops

Police Officer: Sir, have you been drinking tonight?
Mike: (Pukes on officer) Nope, why would you think that, officer?
-On spilling the beans, in not so many words

Mark: So the cop said that he was arresting me for being drunk and disorderly and I said, "FUCK YOU! YOU'RE DRUNK AND DISORDERLY!" and I punched him in the face. Then he maced me, hosed me down, hit me with his nightstick (which broke my iPod), and took me to jail.
Jolie: Aww, he broke your iPod?
-On worst case scenarios

Alex: FUCK! Did the photo radar flash?
Renier: Nah man, you're good, you won't get a big ticket it was just a little flash.
Alex: No! You don't understand! It's a flat rate! You get the flash you get the ticket!
-Unless you never check your mail?

Police Officer: Ma'am, you have the right to remain silent...
Bee: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let me stop you right there, sir. I know my rights, I watch "Law and Order."
-They never think it's as funny as you do

Police Officer: Ma'am, I've been following you for the past two miles, why did you not pull over?
Bee: I honestly didn't see you until you put the siren on.
Police Officer: Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Bee: Of course I do.
Police Officer: I clocked you at 92 mph, ma'am.
Bee: That's great, I topped out at 110 a few miles back!
-When there's no hope left

Police Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Joe: Uhh yeah...I was speeding 'cause I'm late.
Police Officer: That's right. Now stay here, I gotta write you a ticket.
(Officer walks back to his car and comes back)
Police Officer: Do you have a pen I could borrow?
Joe: Fuck no! (speeds off)
-Joe, after getting pulled over by campus police for speeding

"You have a checkstop here? Now? Tell you what, wait a couple hours and switch the checkstop to the other side of the road when I'm coming back from dinner. You'll have better luck then."
-John, tipping off the cops

Police Officer: What year were you born in ma'am?
Natalie: '05.
Police Officer: I highly doubt that you were born in 2005.
Natalie: '06?
-Natalie, blacked out in front of a cop one weekend (correct answer: 1987)

Ryan: That was a cop.
Kym: Maybe it was just a car with one of those light bars on top.
Ryan: Let's not get into philosophy, Kym, that was a cop.
-On a "ride"