Police Encounter Quotes

Kerry: Occifer, I'm not as drunk as I think you am.
Police Officer: How many have you had son?
Kerry: One....GALLON! PIGGY PIGGY PIGGY! OINK OINK!!
-On quick ways to rack up a drunk in public

Mark: Yo bra', let's go boost that whip with the tricked out lights.
Paul: You mean the police car?
-Drinking after a house party got broken up

Reid: Don't let the cops see you...
Matt: Don't worry if the cops come I'll just tell them I'm checking the meter.
-Matt, while pissing on the side of a building

Police Officer: Have you been drinking tonight?
Adam: Why, you buyin'?
-Adam, shortly before getting a DUI

"Sorry occifer...I crossed the street cause I couldn't read the sign. I'm lesdixic, you know...AND BLIND! That's a lovely looking gun by the way.
-Tom, toying with the law

John: I'm so sorry sir, I only drank five I swear, here is my driver's license, my insurance papers, my gun, all the whiskey... I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
Police officer: Do you realize your left tail light is out?
-On premature advances

"That is BULL SHI...DOOKEY!!!"
-Liz, while her friend was getting arrested for verbally assaulting a cop

"If you're looking for drugs, officer, they're all in my body."
-Wes, on throwing off the scent while passed out on the street corner

Police Officer: You know most people put on thier seatbelt BEFORE the cop pulls them over. Not as he's walking up.
Susan: I'm sorry officer, I didn't realize....
Police Officer: I'm not talking to you girl. I'm talking to HIM! (points at Joe)
Joe: What? Uhhh, sorry? My bad I guess.
Police Officer: Hmmm, okay, now which one of you threw the cigarette out the window?
Joe: (drops his head) Fuck, that was me too officer.
Police Officer: Figured as much.

(After the bouncer handed their IDs to an undercover cop)
Police Officer: Do you to know it is against the law to possess a falsified ID?
J: Yes ma'am.
J's Roommate: Man, that's the nicest slab of bacon I've ever seen!
Police Officer: WHAT did you just say?
J's Roommate: You have a nice ass.
-How the roommate got them arrested

"So after I blew .214 he knew I was lying...."
-Katie, summing up her DUI experience

Police Officer: If I turn this car over, what will I find?
Jay: An exhaust?
-Jay, on the anatomy of a Jeep

Police Officer: Ma'am do you know what this is? It is marahjuana.
Portia: Sir, could you please say Cool Whip?
Police Officer: Cool Hwhhip... that is not important!
-On the cop vaguely reminiscent of Stewie from Family Guy

Police Officer: I caught you going 82 in a 65 zone.
Ace: So? What's your point...
Police Officer: Can I see your driver's license?
Ace: I don't have it on me, sir.
Police Officer: So if I run a check on you it would show that you're legit?
Ace: Duh, what the fuck do you think, I just told you I didn't have it on me.
Police Officer: Here's your ticket, sign here.
Ace: Thank you, Officer, for making my life a lot harder. By the way, what's your name?
Police Officer: Officer Hewtey.
Ace: Okay Officer Hewtey, do you have a family?
Police Officer: Yes.
Ace: How the hell do they put up with you, you dick.

Police Officer: Is that marijuana smoke I smell.
Beau: You shouldn't.
Police Officer: No, that's definitely marijuana I smell.
Beau: WHO THE FUCK WAS SMOKING IN MY HOUSE?!?!
-Beau, right after taking bong rips and answering the door to find the police