Deep Thoughts Quotes
Tidbits of wisdom gone astray, lengthy diatribes that may or may not leave you confused, and general displays of knowledge-dropping. Submit your quotes here!
Helene: If I had a boyfriend and he grew a beard without asking my permission, I would break up with him.
Frank: Whoa, whoa whoa whoa whoa. What if it's playoff season?
Helene: I don't care. Playoff season, exam season, if he doesn't shave it, I will.
Frank: You can't shave your beard during playoff season.
Helene: Well, why can't you?
Frank: Why can't you shave your beard during playoffs? That's like asking why can't you rape a puppy.
Kyle: Because they're too fast.
Frank: No they're not.
-On no such thing as stupid questions
"Lemme give you a tour of my room. This is my guitar. That's my Macbook. That's my bitch, we call him Eric. There's my dream catcher, it catches dreams and shit. That over there is my poster of Megan Fox and this is the stereo system I stole from Radio Shack."
-Jack, leading a brief tour of his dorm room
"I can't help but feel massive waves of excitement wash over me whenever I enter a tax administration building. The profound magnitude of child-like happiness that emanates from my soul is almost too overwhelming for my own mere human senses to absorb. It's almost as exciting as...being in a hospital."
-Wesley, reflecting on the joys of everyday life
Gavin (wearing Xander, i.e. Buffy tshirt): Auugh! Incompatible fandoms!
Random Guy (wearing Team Edward tshirt): What should we do?
Gavin: Make Xan and Ed kiss?
(Random guy and Gavin bump chests)
Gavin: Somewhere, Buffy and Bella have started crying and don't know why...
-While in line at the university bookstore
Andreas: There's a German saying, "Every German man has to marry a good woman, raise a son, buy a house, and plant a tree."
Tyler: What if you don't want to get married?
Frank: Yeah, I don't want to get married, have kids, or buy a house. As for planting a tree, I could just get a Jew to owe me a favor and have him pay it off by planting a tree in Jerusalem for me. Andreas, wanna do me a huge favor by pretending to be an uber racist neo-Nazi so I could save a Jew's life?
-On the natural order of life
Linda: I want Zac Efron in my bed right now.
Gavin: I foresee two problems. Firstly, you're thirty; whilst you were graduating high school, he was still hanging out in Daddy Efron's ballsack. Secondly, you're female.
Gavin: Don't you have gaydar?! Zac is like, Liberace for tweens. Girrrl makes Chris Crocker look like Rambo!
-While watching "Charlie St. Cloud"
Dan: NeverShoutNever's "Bohemian Rhapsody" sounds like a heap of blue autistic chimps raping each other.
Jack: Dude... why would you ever make that comparison? What does a heap of blue autistic chimps raping each other even sound like?
Dan: Listen to the song and you'll know.
-On calling the audible
Gavin: I am officially sick of these pasty, in-bred parasites and their impending nuptials! The next time I hear consecutive use of the words "royal" and "wedding," I'd better be watching a documentary about bees.
Ollie: ...I'm... er... actually baking cupcakes for my household when we watch the Royal Wedding tomorrow.
Gavin: Cupcakes are for amateur monarchists. My auntie is baking us a whole Princess Cake. Because Kate Middleton's going to be a Princess.
Gavin: If Prince Harry gets married, she'll probably whip up a whole plate of special brownies.
-On eating up the ceremonies
Joe: I look good like chocolate cake.
Joe: I look good like Shakira.
Joe: What? Shakira's hot.
Blaine: And you're not.
Joe: Oh yeah well look at this... (shakes his ass really fast) See that? Those hips don't lie.
-On rear wheel drive
Joe: The awesome thing about Jedis is they don't have rules. They can do whatever they want and if they break the Jedi code, they just become something just as badass: a Sith Lord.
Frank: Two words. Hayden. Christensen. Lawyered. Geez, that's the easy lawyer ever.
-On mind over matter
Taylor: Guys, guess what? I'm getting a kitten.
Emma: Oh my gosh, really?
Alexa (to Emma): Please tell me she isn't going to eat the kitten...
Taylor (oblivious): I'm going to name it Alfonzo, but it's going to be a girl kitten... yeah, it's going to be sexually confused.
-On identity and possibly food crises
Mr. Whitaker: Michigan is nice, I went there for Spring Break when I was in school.
Jack: That's chill.
Mr. Whitaker: Is "chill" another word for good?
Henry: Yeah, Dad, "chill" is like "cool."
Mr. Whitaker: You kids make everything backwards. Just like how "dope" means "nice." And didn't "gay" used to mean "cool"?
Henry: Well actually-
Jack: Yeah, it still means cool. So whenever you're talking to someone nice you say, "Whoa dude, you're gay!" Isn't that what you do, Hen?
Henry: ....Pretty much.
-Putting the previous generation in its place