Monday, January 14

"Did I really just 'pound it' with a homeless black man and say 'right on brotha'? ...It just hit me."
-Nick, 20 minutes after the fact in D.C.
University of Nebraska at Omaha

“…And by doing bicep curls, you mean stretching your penis with a pipe wrench.”
-Nate, (apparently it didn’t make any more sense in context)
Case Western Reserve University

“Pot, bong, chips… I’m naming my kid that!”
-Brad, after listing off all of the things he was supposed to pick up
University of Minnesota, Twin Cities

"I think she broke up with me for not listening to her. But I'm not sure cause I wasn't paying attention."
-Ryan, after getting dumped
University of North Carolina, Charlotte

Stacy: She thinks she's in love.
Ranee: With who??
Stacy: His name is Rolo...not his real name, his nickname and--
Ranee: ...is he filled with caramel?
Stacy: ...No, it's not his real name.
Brooke: ...Nope but I bet he has a creamy filling!
University of North Carolina-Asheville

Jesse: You go to church? Why would you do a thing like that?
Katie: Because I believe in Jesus, so you can go suck a dick!
-On personal beliefs
Old Dominion University

Phil: So, you know when you’re a mechanical engineer major? When you have no life and you can prove it mathematically.
Kaity: No, you know you’re a mechanical engineer major when you make that joke.
Shan: WRITE THAT DOWN!
-On proof positive
University of Minnesota, Twin Cities

"See, the reason I left when I did was because I figured you two would be ready by the time I got back. But I walk in and I Nick is standing here without a shirt on and Ray has gone to get booze. It's like the moment I left you STOPPED doing anything!"
-Nathan, on relative productivity
University of Nebraska at Omaha

Prakash: I just got this new bed that’s really nice! It has a mahogany headboard, too. It smelled really good at first, but after a few days that changed.
Molly: Washing the sheets might be a step in the right direction.
-Getting to the heart of the problem
Seattle University

Friday, January 11

Carolyn: I know this is bad, but sometimes I use the Bible pages as rolling paper.
Hugh: Yeah, that makes sense, that paper is awesome!
Carolyn: I always roll from Genesis, but never from the Revelations.
Hugh: Yeah, the Revelations will kill you.
-Holy smokes
University of Massachusetts

Professor Hultquist: They send Napoleon to Elba Island. He's been ruling for 15 years, and now all he has is an area about the size of Shelby County. After being there a year, he leaves. Why? ...Not enough "Elba" room.
Class: *Momentary silence*
Professor Hultquist: I've been waiting all week for that one.
University of Montevallo

Steff: In my mouth this feels like a lot bigger than what it looks like.
Kara: Did you really?
-On mind over matter
Ramapo College of New Jersey

Ghamar (yelling down the hall): Colin puked on everything!
Colin: That is NOT true! I only threw up in the bathroom. And in the garbage
bag. And in the recycling bin. And the tiniest little bit on Farry's
sock.... Sorry Farry!
Farry (from down the hall): It's fine!
McKenna: Hey, are we ever going to breakfast?
Colin: Oh yeah. I just have to put on my shoes. Oh wait. (Yelling down the hall) Hey Farry? Can I borrow some more socks?
-What are friends for?
Williams College

"Dude, I will do her just for you, and while I'm at it I'll scream ZAAAACKKKKKKK!!"
-Nate, on nailing a girl for his friend
University of Akron

"Your dad has salty balls...I would know."
-Robb, 8 beers deep and deciding "your dad" is better than "your mom" jokes
Central Connecticut State University

"I would NEVER let anyone come in my eye; it would get into my contacts and ruin them. And those motherfuckers are expensive."
-Caitlin, setting some standards
Cornell University

"I am sleeping on my back for the rest of the semester."
-Eli, on his new gay roommate (no homo)
University of Akron