Wednesday, September 5

"There's nothing like holding a 1000-year-old Bible that was written in some monk's monestary in Switzerland on goat skin. That's what they used, goat skin and sheep skin, and when they got desperate they used squirrels, which I totally approve of. I hate squirrels. They tear my garden up. If I could catch 'em and skin 'em and make a bunch of little squirrel books out of 'em, I would."
-Professor T, staying on track as always
Nazareth College of Rochester

Sam: How was track practice?
Jenna: I have black balls in my panties....
-After working out on the astroturf....or not?
McMurry University

Erika: Did you just spill your drink?!
Heather: Yeah into my mouth!
-On the other half of the spill
Plymouth State University

"When men aren't around, women make themselves a sandwich. ...Bow-chicca-wow-wow."
-Rei, taking feminism to a new level
North Carolina State University

Mike: Don't you want another Festive Fuck?
Danielle: No, last night it fell a little short of the mark...
-Apparently talking about a shot
Carthage College

Tim: So what one is your sister?
Bethany: The one that looks like me.
Tim: Oh, in that case, is she single?
-Tim, showing his true feelings
West Virginia University

Megan: Usually it just comes out in a little splooge.
Christie: How many sperm donations you've witnessed?
Megan: A lot!
Christie: Besides the ones inside you?
Megan: I'm definitely a donation station.
-On volunteer jobs
Michigan State University

Jeff: I want to get drunk. We should crack open some booze and get blitzed right now.
Heather: I don't know if I should really drink, I'm on medication for my allergies. I'll probably get real sick.
Jeff: Oh you should. Let your hair down... allergy meds and booze go hand in hand. Like babies and anal sex or peanut butter and jelly.
-On perfect pairs
University of Utah

Professor O: Don't expect to have any extra curricular activities with this class. This class is a LOT of work.
Laura: What about drinking? Does that count?
Professor O: If you're an art major and you don't drink, you might want to reconsider your future. Or look into recreational drugs.
-On major prerequisites
Radford University

Professor: Okay, so to sign in to take the quiz you need to press the "D" button on your clicker. Not the "B" button, but the "D" button, as in "D is for dog."
Tim: Or "D" as in "suck my dick."
-Tim, demonstrating why technology and 8:30 in the morning class do not mix
West Virginia University

Tuesday, September 4

Casey: So, last night I did an impression of Senator Craig.
Nate: HAHAHA, you solicited a cop in a seedy men's room?
Casey: No, but I got my dick sucked in the Nuart bathroom.
-On real role models
University of California, Los Angeles

Chris: Hey there baby, you look just like my next girlfriend.
Random Girl: That's funny, you look like the guy I just dumped.
-Shut, down
University of Wisconsin, Whitewater

Police Officer: What the hell are you doing?
Jim: Umm...sleeping?
Police Officer: I've been trying to wake you up for 5 minutes, I thought you were dead or something...
Jim: Yeah, I was kinda drunk.
Police Officer: Why the hell didn't you just drive home like everyone else?
Jim: DWI?
Police Officer: Oh yeah....good call.
-Turns out you can't sleep in your truck at a bar
Hilbert College

Lee: Jessica said I have to brush my teeth before I go to bed because I smell like a drunk.
Lori: Ouchies.
Lee: Well, not in a bad way!
-On welcome alcoholism
Oklahoma City University

“I’m trying to imagine how you’re feeling right now. I’m trying to put myself in your body. ....Wait.”
-Leeny, while watching the video of Molly skydiving
Seattle University

Jake's Dad (walking around campus): Why hello there young lady!
Random Girl: Um, hi. (walks away)
Jake's Dad: Have you bonked that one yet son?
Jake: These are the father/son moment's I live for Dad. And yes, twice.
-On family affairs
University of Wisconsin, Whitewater

Anna: I've pooed like 4 times today.
Claire: I thought you were constipated...
Anna: I am, it just won't come out all at once. I do like to poop though.
-On the importance of doing things you love
Regis University

Cody: You know whenever I smoke pot I get really bad anxiety but when I don't smoke I easily fall into a depression.
Jess: Well I feel like that's a pretty decent trade off.
Cody: Oh definitely! I'll take the anxiety for 420 Alex.
-Cody, between a low and a high place
University of Nebraska at Lincoln

Tara: Man, I've got such bad growing pains.
Tara's Mom: That's too bad.
Tara: Yeah, I walked all the way to the mall and back.
Tara's Mom: Those aren't growing pains, those are cramps. Just walk them off.
Tara: MOM! I don't want to be 8 feet tall!
-On anatomical disasters

Aileen: Some of these are wrinkly, should I throw them out?
Molly: No, old people are wrinkly but we don’t throw them out.
Aileen: We kinda do, though, as a society. With health care and Social Security the way they are.
Molly: Okay, this isn’t a political debate.
-On the state of cherry tomatoes while making a salad
Seattle University

Monday, September 3

Tara: How do I tan?
Mike: Stand in the sun.
Tara: So I'm tanning right now?
Mike: Yes.
Tara: Okay...so if I can see the sun it can see me?
-Come on natural selection, work your magic!
University of Alberta

"Her hands are so small I just want to smash them with a hammer!!"
-Rachel, sober, on the need to bang
Indiana University

"Some boats are made of wood and some boats are made of metal. But the best one of all is...oh, fuck. It's not called friendboat."
-Runy, drunk on...who knows
York University

"I've already got your soul! So this isn't a traditional final paper..."
-Professor A, on the minimum requirements
Old Dominion University

K: Abbreviations aren't just some college girl thing anymore. Dwight said "natch" for "naturally" last night on The Office.
Professor: WHAT?! I thought that was a bad word!
Rebecca: No, that would be SNATCH.
-Learning new slang in linguistics class
Virginia Tech University

Mike: How can people think I'm gay? I don't have any of the stereotypical characteristics!
Tara: Yes you do.
Mike: What? I dress poorly, I act like a douchebag and I'm constantly chasing women!
Tara: Yah but you have the main characteristic...you like men
-How we know you're gay
University of Alberta

Josh: It'll work.
Miguel: No it won't, you're stupid.
Josh: It'll fuckin' work, I just need some people to support me.
(John rolls up in his wheelchair)
Josh: You'll stand up for me, won't you?
John: Only if your name's Jesus.
-On miracle support
Texas State University

Professor Patrick: I have all your pictures from freshman year on my roster but you have all changed quite a bit. Is Adam here?
Adam: Here. (Professor Patrick scribbling on his roster) Uh...did you just draw a beard on me?
Professor Patrick: Now I will recognize you.
-On face recognition
Nebraska Wesleyan University

Bouncer: I need to see your ID.
Joe: My face is my ID.
Bouncer: Leave.
-Joe getting thrown out of Players bar at 2am
University of Wisconsin-Platteville

"I think I'm gonna change the title of this to 'detailed HARDCORE case study option.'"
-Professor A, straight up gangsta
Old Dominion University