Wednesday, October 10

Josh: Why does the kitchen smell like tuna?
Megan: I'll shower tomorrow!
-On the joys of unisex college living
Winona State University

Brandon: Dude look, Hillary is hitting on another guy...
Andrew: With as many guys as she's fucked, I bet they just fall into that cavernous pit called her vagina.
Justin: Dude so much so that it's like, what's the most populated city in Georgia? ....Fucking Hillary.
-A new twist on throwing a hot dog down a hallway
Augusta State University

Marlie: I'm so organized at the beginning of the semester, then like two weeks in a have shit everywhere! Then I start finding shit everywhere!
Alyssa: Then you go to class and it's like, "Shit! I forgot that shit!"
Marlie: Then someone asked if you read that shit!
Alyssa: Oh shit! Do we have a quiz?!
Marlie: Shit...I'm gonna fail this shit!
Alyssa: Fuck this shit...oh well.
-On how to get your shit done
Tarleton State University

"You want to be IN the Wu-Tang Clan. You don't want to be just Wu-Tang featuring Snoop Dogg or Junior Reed or Red Man...you want to BE the Wu-Tang Clan."
-Chaz, on going to Europe
Western Washington University

Derek: So, I just got my handwriting analyzed and apparently I'm going to be a serial killer.
Random Girl: Hah, uh...cool...
Derek: Yeah, I mean I guess it's better than being some things, like a serial killee?
-On the one behind the trigger
University of South Carolina

Mike: ...Besides, babe, you're extremely hot.
Erin: I knew you only liked me for my body.
Mike: That's a lie, I love you for your money, too.
Erin: Right.
Mike: You're like an ATM with a really great rack.
-On the cold hard (cash) truth
University of Pittsburgh

Molly: Some guy killed his girlfriend of two years and then himself. It’s still being investigated.
Leeny: Sometimes I wonder if that’s what it would’ve come to with me and Joe. But I’m not sure who would have pulled the trigger.
Molly: I’m gonna say you.
Leeny: ...Good call.
-On tragedies avoided
Seattle University

Caitlin: I'm starving! I'm famined to death!
Amanda: You're not a potato, you ass!
-You are what you're starved for
Saint Leo University

Jace: I want the chicken nuggets
McDonald's Worker: How would you like your nuggets?
Jace: ...Umm.....in a bag.
-Getting down to the specifics
Tarleton State University

"You know, being stoned would be the perfect time to have a slave."
-Troy, feeling abnormally lazy
University of Southern Mississippi

Tuesday, October 9

Ashley: If I were the president of a university, I would say that you don't have to come to class on your birthday. You get the day off.
Courtney: Shut up Ashley, you're going to class tomorrow.
Ashley: Whatever, bitch, I wouldn't let you in to my university!
-Sisterly birthday love
West Virginia University

"I think I shit so hard that I sprayed the back of my testicles, and they itch now. I don't feel clean. Like this morning when I woke up with vomit on my head."
-Keith, after the excitement of McDonald's Monopoly
Northern Michigan University

"Ugh, I am SO over AIDS. I'm so sick of hearing about it."
-Rebecca, always the sympathetic
Harrington School of Design

Will: Ugh, I have to work in five hours.
Matt: Eat the tomato paste off the flaming chocolate tree!!!
-The morning after a long night
Mount Royal College

Drew: I'd give up my balls to be with her.
Peaches: Then you would be ball-less.
Drew: It's all good, I'd just get her to massage my head....with her tits!
-On positive thinking
West Chester University

Jake: AHH FUCK MAN!
Corbin: What?
Jake: I just tripped on that car's front license plate.
Corbin: I think the funniest part of this is that you're not drunk at all.
Jake: Who the fuck has a bowl-shaped license plate!
-On completely sober walks home
University of Wisconsin, Whitewater

Molly: Oh no its gone!
Leeny: Your Vicodin?
Molly: Yes, but I just found it. I thought I put it with my shot glass and pot, but it was with my sleeping pills and booze.
-Molly, bringing bigger issues into question
Seattle University

Casandra: I was having a dream.
Dan: Were you having sex?
Casandra: No, I wouldn't have woken up then.
-Signs it's been too long
Northern Michigan University

Nissa: ...and that's how we ended up in a threesome.
Ari: Nice. How many of you?
-Disproving Darwin at every turn
University of the West Indies

Trey (getting stickers from the professor): I WANT A BIG ONE! I WANT A BIG ONE!
Professor Jadue: I'm sure your girlfriend says the same thing.
-On sizable rewards
Youngstown State University

Monday, October 8

"There's a hole? Where's your hole?!!"
-Professor B, excited over math
Anne Arundel Community College

"He's really, really small. And he looks like an old woman. We're naming him Mungchung, which is Chinese for 'dreams come true.' We're going to call him Max, we think that will be easier to understand."
-Professor Jiang, on his 2-day-old baby
Michigan State University

Math Professor: So, when you average out the sprinter's speed, he went approximately 28 miles per hour.
Random Girl in Front: Whoa! That's faster than a cheetah!
-On really slow cheetahs
Green River Community College

Patty: Did you know that nothing rhymes with the word orange?
Jill: Well, orange the fruit rhymes with orange the color.
Emily: Yeah, and so does carrot.
-In a state of delirium
Santa Clara University

Leslie: I'm not like you. I can't handle snuggling 24/7. Why is it you like snuggling anyway? You are a guy, aren't you?
Patty: It's not my fault that if I could, I would duct tape you to my ass...and I would love it.
Leslie: Seriously?
-On cause for role reversal concern
Louisiana State University

Blair: I'm older than you so everything I do has greater significance.
Kate: ...Yeah? Well I have tits.
-The simple truth
Northern Alberta Institute Of Technology

Vikki (headbutts ball): I'M A RHINO!
Adrienne: What the hell does that have to do with a rhino?
Vikki: That probably wasn't good for my concussion...
-Adding damage to insult
Gloucester County College

"Alright, let's end this torture."
-Professor Akeel, keepin' it real at the end of class

Joe: I can't find the right hole.
Mario: That's what she said!!
Joe: Actually, that is what she said...
-Joe, lacing his baseball glove while taking on the phone to the gf
Muhlenberg College

Billy: It smells like sex in here.
Jack: But I just washed my hands!
-Was anything else involved?
Frostburg State University