Dear iPad-Wielding Hipster

Dear Hipster,

Hey man, how's it hangin'? I saw you on the subway yesterday and after the little "show" you put on, I just wanted to touch base with you about some things you might consider working on.

Hipster wearing big studio headphones
Get a room. Preferably one with other studio equipment.

First, your enormous noise-reduction, studio quality headphones are more than gratuitous. Here's the issue with noise-reduction headphones: they reduce noise for you, not the other passengers. The secret to noise reduction technology is that it reduces ambient noise by making the music louder, therefore louder for people sitting near you, which, ironically enough, has an uncanny resemblance to fucking noise.

There is literally only one place where you need studio quality headphones: in a studio. Let me make this point clear: you are listening to unreleased Radiohead songs, not mixing them.  You look like you should be hunched over in the back of a van with a reel-to-reel recorder, monitoring phone conversations for the NSA. Unless you're making beats for Jay-Z or loading a 727 with baggage on the tarmac at O'Hare, headphones of that size and authority are unnecessary, at least in public.

iPad Pro - oversized Apple iPad
Don't hipsters thrive on creativity?
Second, I know how awesome your new iPad is, I do. But do you really need to unveil it to the commuters like you just found one of the Dead Sea Scrolls, leaning forward in your seat facing the screen towards us, panning it slowly left to right like it's kindergarten storybook time, revealing all its magical features to everyone on the train with giant brush stroke motions like you're composing the London Philharmonic? And then turning the panel horizontally and vertically like, "Look, I can turn it sideways and the screen shifts!" Wow, that's very similar to another product everyone has's called an iPhone. Here's the cool thing about the iPhone: it makes phone calls, unlike its more expensive, Wi-Fi only, successor.

You are a bike courier named Kyle with a neck piercing who made a $500 purchase with the "in case of emergencies" credit card your dad gave you when you went away to Columbia College. You are not a pioneer in technology nor do you represent Apple in any official capacity, so the keynote address you are giving seems a little self-serving. More so considering your hipster status precludes you from caring what people think of you outside of your tight knit circle of skinny-jeaned, horn-rimmed-glassed friends.

Just saying, try to keep the media dissemination to a minimum in public places. Unless you know how to play an empty 5-gallon paint can like those sidewalk guys. I love those sidewalk guys. Hipster, be more like sidewalk guy!

Anyway, sorry if this came off dickish. Love the haircut, see you at Starbucks!

Love always,

C'mon, one more:

Andrei Trostel's picture

Great article Bill.

"giant brush stroke motions like you're composing the London Philharmonic?"

This goes for iPhones too people! You are NOT John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever, so stop poking me in the fucking eye with your finger as you scroll on your iPhone/iPad with your over exaggerated finger motions.

Carney's picture

Funny article, loved the part about noise canceling head phones.

Bill, you're fast becoming one of my favorite PiC writers. Just sayin'.

Bill Dixon's picture

Evie, you are fast becoming my favorite reader....besides my grandma, Just sayin'

Actually noise reduction headphones reduce ambient noise by phasing it out (like an XLR cable) not by amplitude. The music SOUNDS louder because it's all you hear in the headphone and they have to be large, you dont get realistic bass frequencies in an ear bud, speaker needs to be larger, plus the big closed off ones are quieter to nearby commuters then the open ones that sit on the ear and in a lot of cases I've found, earbuds as people turn them up a ton to make up for lack in the bass.
Why not lay off the people around you? How is a hipster enjoying music THEY like and being proud of his Ipad really affecting you? Really, so you have to hear the latest from animal collective blaring out of a headphone and watch some dude flick his Ipad. If these are the extent of your problems you should go out and get bigger ones.

Bill Dixon's picture

Dear Dan Official Representative for The Alliance Against Hipster Defamation,

First off, thank you for the Wikipedia lesson.

Secondly, no, Daniel, I don't really disdain hipsters and iPads. I am a comedian and iPads and hipsters are what we call topical premises.

As a comedian I observe and exaggerate to employ literary as well as non-literary irony to achieve sarcasm (a form of comedy). When you exaggerate a truth to a lie, the distinction is the joke. i.e. You have a larger than average soft drink. Someone says, "Your fuckin big gulp has an undertow. I could dock my jet ski in that thing. I hope your straw doesn't start yielding oil because neiter of us are engineers so a top kill will be almost impossible."

You see Daniel, the soft drink really isn't large enough to dock a jet ski. I know what you are thinking, "But Bill, he just said that he could dock his jet ski, I don't understand." Well, Daniel, that's because you are an idiot and your Baby Daniel brain can't process metaphor. This is a trait that distinguishes us from the animal kingdom, Dan.

Danny, Me writing 1000 words on how I am ambivalent towards people on the subway would not make for very interesting writing, would it?

"So I was on the subway today and everything was fine."

Wow, Pulitzer here I come.

I was being ironical because this is a comedy website. I am sorry if I offended your delicate sensibilities. Truth be told, I am snooty about my coffee, live in Chicago, wear tight clothes and listen to the Engadget podcast everyday. Moreover, I am writing this on a Mac. So I am one of those guys. It's all for fun, Daniel.

However, that being said, I truly do believe you are an idiot. That wasn't hyperbole.

Love Always,

Hipster Bill

wow, looks like the internet really is a special place - where even loser comedians can have a soapbox on which to feel important and better than their commentators!

thanks, by the way, for the 101 in comedy. it's always a great sign when the douchebag writing my comedy has to explain why its funny to me. like you said bro, pulitzer here you come!

so if we are able to make the giant leap into the world of "people understand what humor is", you quickly encounter the subset of "comedians who are able to make people laugh WHILE STILL BEING factually correct". but alas, our prolific author has not yet graduated into this subset, has he.

how dare someone try to bring facts into this world of SERIOUS COMEDY?? COMEDY IS SERIOUS BUSINESS. you should be happy that someone reading your attempts at comedy might have actually added to their IQ from reading that poster's comment - something that cannot be said about your angry, whiny soliloques.

enjoy being so cool dude! cause you totally are!

It was over a year ago, "bro". Cool the jets

Frenchie's picture

Great piece Bill! and about the iPad - you know there was no female input on that development team :P

I look forward to your next article!

When I read this the first time I seriously considered correcting your joke logic because of the logical error that noise canceling head phones work on a train and that studio quality headphones are noisy, but ultimately it wasn't funny. So I scrapped it. Seriously, though, I haven't been able to wear my nice Sony Studio Monitors in public with out thinking people think I'm a douche bag since I read this.

Bill Dixon's picture

ha, well I responded to Baby Daniel in the way I did not because he wasn't right but because he attacked me and asserted that I needed bigger problems. As a comedian you can't let a heckle go unanswered so it had to be done.

I have the same headphones, I wear them alllll the time. Especially getting around the city in winter. They are great headphones and actually second as ear muffs. win win.

wow. That was a special comment I just wrote. I'm sure I'll read that months from now and reflect upon how fucking brilliant I am.

Tiffany Taylor's picture

Hipster Bill,

I really adored your comment to Baby Daniel. I enjoyed it more than I enjoyed the actual piece, but that's okay. My day was made and that's all that matters.

You're fantastic.

Bill Dixon's picture

I love you too!

Ali Wisch's picture

Haha, wow, I wish I had thought of this. It hits a little too close to home since I commute to Brooklyn every day with people from Williamsburg, the hipster capital of the world.

Bill Dixon's picture

ha, yeah that is the nest from which all hipsters spawn. Oh, you must know Daniel!

oh williams burg i believe has some competition here in salt lake everyone shops at whole foods, rides a fix gear, and most definately have a grip of stupid technology that doesn't impress a childish punk rocker like myself.

Hehehe...not a 'dickish' letter at all :)

This article is so hilarious and true. LOL. I'm still not sure what the ipad does - like what is the big hype about it? I heard is giving away free ipads in December right after Thanksgiving which is great because I'm in need of a "test drive"!