<<<< Click the notepad to use an away message



Today we salute you, Mr. All-Day Away Message. You live your life away from the computer with complete confidence that all your buddies know exactly what you're doing, and when. You don't hit that "I'm away" button until you've covered every  boring detail of your day since your last away message, right down to potty break updates. With obvious concern for your buddies of the nocturnal persuasion, you always end your day with a "sleeping" away message. Because with your little yellow notepad you say more than "I'm not here"—you proclaim, loud and clear, that you are not fit for life on this planet. So type up another semi-permanent away message Mr. Self-Absorbed, because next time we need an online newsflash, the last 10 minutes of your life is only a right-click away.

Today we salute you, Mr. Constant Collar Putter Upper. You, bedecked in popped collar, teach us that we no longer have to live with a cold, back of the neck. Sure, your pink alligator polo may look feminine to some, but not the 17 other frat guys wearing the same thing at the bar. Where others may see thoughtless fashion conformity, you preach a higher gospel. You preach of a world where it is okay for a man to go tanning. You ask "why can't we wear makeup, and use shampoo with lavender essence?" So crack open a fresh bottle of candy cologne, Mr. Abercrombie (or is it Fitch?), because we all know, when we really need a piece of gum, you might have one...in your man purse.

If you think life is bad now, how would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You get eaten once. It takes for minutes to get hard, only to minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys, but worst of all, the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mom! So cheer up, your life isn't that bad!

Real Men of Genius. Today I salute you, Mr. Compulsive Away Message Checker. While most people are out living college life, you are at home reading about it on your computer. Right-mouse-clicking and Getting Buddy Info, or even using the little Info icon at the bottom of your Buddy List. Sure there are people on your list that you haven't talked to in years, and would probably consider you a stalker for keeping them there, but that doesn't stop you from reading their away messages...EVERY DAY. So click open a fresh new Buddy Info window, Marauder of the Mousepad, and don't wander too far from your computer...because you never know when someone will be back.

Hey, how are ya? Listen, it sucks to have to be the one to tell you this, but you didn't get a bid to talk to me on IM. But you were really really close, I mean that. A lot of guys came out this year, and you missed it by just a few votes. It was mainly the seniors who didn't want you. Dude, it was a really tough bid meeting, and a lot of guys just didn't know you. I even stood up and spoke for you. So be sure to come out next year and rush my screen name again. Everybody wants you to. I mean, we all really like you, you just didn't get in this year. Oh, and definitely still come out and party with us. Cool? Alright, later.

And now, 'IM man goes to a bar'...
:-):-D:-*;-):-*8-):-*:-P=-O:-!>:o:-[ :-\:-(:'(:-XO:-)
(IM man walks into the bar and smiles at a woman, who smiles back. He winks, she smiles. He's cool, she smiles. He's suggestive, and she's shocked! He tries covering it up, but puts his foot in his mouth instead. She storms away angrily, and he is embarrassed. Unsure of what to do, he slowly begins crying. And dies.)
--THE END--

I regret to inform you that I am not adjacent to my personal central processing unit. I am currently pondering the dubiousness of our existence. My mind is astray when performing these inquiries so it would be to your advantage to leave a communication. This act will most conceivably assure a response on my part, else I am not a philosopher.

Hi , I'm [insert your name]. People like me get thousands of IM's a day, mostly from people just like you looking to model their lives after each and every update I make to my away message and profile. While I can't guarantee your vicarious satisfaction through my life, I can assure you that you will learn a lot from my every move. You see, through years of adolescent hard work surfing the Internet and honing my social skills through Instant Messenger, I have finally gotten a life. Now, I am making that life available for FREE for everyone on the Internet to benefit from. So be sure to check back with my screenname often and don't be surprised if I'm not here--remember, I actually have a life now. Good luck.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be misquoted and then later used against you. You have the right to consult another screenname from your buddy list before speaking to me. If your popularity does not afford you this opportunity, AIM's Smarterchild or another robotic, online buddy will be provided to you in a third-party chat room IM window at no cost. If you decide to speak to me now without a robotic, online buddy present, you will still have the right to stop blabbering on or complaining at any time to consult another buddy. Knowing and understanding your rights as I have explained them to you, are you still even considering IMing me?