In a recent study performed by scientists, 96% of scientists said that the things scientists are said to have said do not represent the full spectrum of things scientists say. The remaining 4% said things we will not say anything about here.

When asked for examples of things scientists have said that no one has said anything about, scientists said that they’ve said:

“What the fuck is dog bread?
-A scientist who failed to read the phrase “dog breed” during a spirited game of Anomia

“Can you pull the leftovers out of the… uh, the coldness robot? You know, the reverse microwave or whatever?
-A scientist who forgot the word “fridge”

“If you get your hands from your parents, does that make them second-hand hands?
-A scientist who was booed off stage at a nanosymposium on genetics

“I need to expose myself to more kids.
-A scientist who shocked several coworkers while lamenting his limited understanding of how to interact with children

“Let’s get Domino’s.
-No explanation given

“Professor X could take out all of the Z fighters with the power of his thoughts alone.
-No explanation necessary

In a series of follow-up interviews, four scientists—and one Christian Scientist who just showed up uninvited—shared their thoughts on the things they wish people would say scientists say.

Dr. Winifred Janieki has been quoted in sixteen online publications describing the effects of climate change on marine life, but not once has she been quoted describing her “dope-ass lemon meringue recipe.”

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“It’s ridiculous,” says Janiecki. “I’m getting calls from the boys over at Wired asking if they can quote me in some article that says, ‘According to scientists, the Great Barrier Reef is dying.’ Well, according to this scientist: I make the best damn lemon meringues in the Tri-State Area. Write a think piece about that!”

Dr. Jill Goldenblatt has been performing predictive analytics of economic trends for the last fifteen years, but she’s been an avid fan of Howard the Duck for the last twenty.

“Richard Roeper says Howard the Duck is trite family fare,” says Goldenblatt. “Who the hell does he think he is? A scientist? I have a PhD in economics and a MS in data science, and I can tell you that—as a scientist—Howard the Duck is a tour de force.”

Frau Doktor Doktor Doktor Doktor Ingrid Vogel has an MD and doctorates in astronomy, mathematics, and quantum physics. She also made a recent appearance on the reality television program Say Yes to the Dress where she said “yes” to the dress.

“Technically, I said ‘ja’ to the dvess,” says Vogel.

Dr. Rajesh Roopra, a materials engineer, had this to say:

“People are always asking me for my opinion ‘as a scientist’ on fossil fuels. Listen, buddy, I don’t really care about dinosaur farts. Stop asking me about them. Ask me about the time my son came out to me instead. My son, he walks up to me, and he says: ‘Dad, I’m gay.’ And I say: ‘Hi, Gay. I’m Dad.’ Where’s my ‘Scientist Says: Hi Gay, I’m Dad’ article on Ars Technica? Hmm?”

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Christian Scientist Kevin Simon says:

“Scientists are always saying that I can’t say I’m a scientist because I’m a Christian Scientist. And I say to them: Who are scientists to say what scientists can say? Do any of those so-called ‘scientists’ study scientists? Are they scientist-ologists? Could a person who wasn’t a scientist write the heck out of a fan fiction based on the theory of evolution called ‘He Says, She Says’?”

To that, scientists say: “Yes.”

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