Finding Bryan

High school can be really confusing, especially when you’re an every-teen being used to entice the intended demographic of a film. Bryan Smith is just an average teenager who is trying to make it through the days until graduation. Something starts to stir within him, though, when a new kid shows up on the first day of senior year and Bryan is even more confused. Is he gay or straight? No one knows except Bryan and his whole school when a cruel prank outs him and he embraces his sexuality without any acknowledgment of his trauma. What we do know is that Bryan will be played by a straight actor because we couldn’t find any gay ones!

Harry Potter: Dumbledore And His No Good, Very Bad Summer Break

Dumbledore is on break from Hogwarts for the summer and his best friend Grindelwald is back in town from the Eastern European wizarding country, Romanagariavania. Together, Dumby and Grindy will search for mystical objects and discuss whether the genocide of muggles would be a good thing. No one will know that they’re a couple until J.K. Rowling reveals their relationship in an interview four years after the movie is released. We won’t be addressing it in the film!

Joan

Stefanie is a simple shop girl in 1940s Manhattan who was never too interested in marriage or men and really likes to golf. One day an enigmatic, beautiful woman, Joan, comes into Macy's looking for a new set of steak knives. She will entice Stefanie into a dark, mysterious world because she’s bored with her marriage to Richie Richerson. Their burgeoning relationship will totally lead both women to an ending that no one will see coming. (They’re both going to die!)

Drag Queen Zombies Attack!

A new Netflix original. Are drag queens real people or are they monsters in the night? Derek and Ian go out on Halloween to see their favorite drag queens, Mary Fairy and Anita Dick. Things are jockstraps and Jonas Brothers until suddenly, Mary Fairy and Anita Dick attack and try to eat their brains. The two white, gay men must band together and save the crowd from the zombie drag queens!

Those Invisible Few

Julie thinks that she likes guys and girls, but she’s not sure if anyone else feels the same way or if there’s even a word for that feeling. From what she hears she’s just “going through a phase.” She decides to swallow the truth of her sexuality and pretend like she’s straight because no one has ever seen a bisexual before and we’re only 40 percent sure that they exist!

Deadpool 3

Look, we all know everyone’s favorite superhero is pansexual. We’re going to capitalize on it in this film and not just use sexual innuendo as a punchline for fourth wall breaks. Maybe he’ll give the villain a blow job in this one and say “no homo” to the actual character instead of the audience. Progress!

Freckles

Jessica, a trans woman, feels lost. Her boyfriend has left her for the newest It Girl that’s rocking the film industry and she doesn’t know if she’ll ever be able to find true love again. Also, she’s trans. Did we mention that? Starring Armie Hammer as Jessica!

Book Adaptation To Be Announced, Probably Something Based In The 80s?

Featuring only environmental shots of whatever beautiful locale is chosen for this novel-adaptation with no messy, sex scenes between the two same sex, romantic leads!

Blowing In The Wind

Literally just a two-hour documentary about RuPaul’s former feather boa!

Will & Grace: The Movie

Because at this point, we’ve run out of ideas!


Want to improve your writing? Join Second City's online "Writing Satire for the Internet" class. Use code PIC for 10% off.