So I hear you dickheads are trying to pass gun control legislation again. I don’t know how many times I have to say it, but let me be perfectly clear: now is not a good time. I’m trapped on a boulder in the middle of the Nevada desert, surrounded by giant flesh-eating sandworms, and I need all the guns I can get my hands on—preferably the high-powered, automatic ones.

I wasn’t always this callous. In fact, mere hours ago, I was in full support of reasonable gun control policy—background checks, banning certain automatic weapons, and enstating waiting periods all seemed like great ideas. But that was before these gargantuan snakes arrived, drooling ravenously at the mouth as they circle me without rest. Ever since that happened, you could say I’ve flip-flopped on the issue.

Look, I get it. There are some sickos out there using what are essentially military-grade weapons to kill innocent people on a mind-numbing scale. It’s terrible, it really is. But at a certain point, you have to ask yourself what’s worse: a psychopath with a machine gun, or four bloodthirsty sandworms with thousands of razor-sharp teeth? Not so black and white now, is it?

Don’t get me wrong, requiring mental health screenings for gun purchases makes perfect sense—in theory. But in case you haven’t noticed, some of us don’t have the luxury of time. I’m trying to fend off a small army of mutant snakes and you’re asking me to make a doctor’s appointment? Get real, pal.

And sure, the second amendment is an antiquated law based on circumstances that are no longer relevant in today’s America, but there are plenty of new reasons why we need assault rifles in the hands of civilians. Reasons like being surrounded by flesh-eating monsters with nowhere to run. Seriously, come spend a few hours with me on this boulder and you’ll be begging for an AR-15, if not a bazooka.

Some organizations have proposed increasing public health funding as a roundabout means to combat gun violence which, again, sounds like a great idea. The only problem is that it does precisely jack squat to combat the violence that will be committed against my sorry ass if I’m not airlifted out of here in the next 24 hours. If you guys can afford an endless stream of political campaigns, surely you can splurge on one small military rescue operation? I’m in Nevada, for Christ’s sake, it's not that far.

I’m not heartless. I know there are innocent people dying because of the ease of access to rapidly firing death machines. But just try to put yourself in my shoes, trapped in the middle of the desert with underground nightmare creatures waiting to devour you at any given moment. You might find yourself doing something you never expected, like funding an Uber-for-high-powered-assault-rifles startup on Kickstarter.

But hey, maybe that’s just me.

I know there must be some sort of middle ground in this debate, but to be honest, I’m really not interested in compromise right now. I haven’t eaten in 48 hours, and this goddamn desert sun is burning me alive. At this point, I’d vote for literally anyone, as long as their platform includes lax gun control legislation. But again, I do think the killing is terrible. It’s just, you know, the carnivorous worms. I gotta get the hell out of here, man.

Wait, there’s been a new development—it turns out my buddy Earl knows how to make pipe bombs. I have no idea how he learned this, and frankly it’s disturbing, but now is not the time for questions. Time to take back our town!

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