The Golden Rules of Facebook

Mark Zuckerberg on a big movie theater screen

"The most important document to emerge from a computer since The Golden Rules of Instant Messenger."
-Mark Zuckerberg, Founder and CEO of Facebook

I. Acronyms should not require a degree in cryptography.

I can get on board with the usual "LOL," "ROFL," and all that shit. But when these fuckers start making 10-digit acronyms because they're too damn lazy to type it out, I really begin to lose my freakin' mind. Seriously though, I don't want to feel like I'm trapped in The Da Vinci Code trying to decipher your stupid fucking response. OMGITISMLSH.OC!ILTQITO...F Oh my god I think I shit myself laughing so hard. OH CRAP! I left the quiche in the oven....fuck.

II. Stop using ellipses in your status updates.

Facebook Ten CommandmentsQuit posting this "..." shit at the end of your status or response. What am I supposed to do with this, guess if you really meant it? Like the profound fucking statement you just made about being back at work is to be continued? Are you second guessing yourself? "I ate at Chick-fil-A and it was awesome.... (uh, I think)." Here's another one: "lol..." What the fuck is this? Is your laughing some unsolved mystery? Should I get Scooby Doo and the stoner to investigate?

III. Don't "like" a status and then comment on it too.

Like button on FacebookI don't have a problem with people "liking" a status, or with commenting on a status, or both. But don't "like" a status and then comment with "yea." No shit. The "yea" is implied by your act of "liking," you jackass. And let's try to keep comments on topic; nothing pisses me off more than some jackass commenting, and then adding some trivial shit to the topic. Now I get 15 emails between a bunch of idiots discussing which Nickelback video sucks the most when my original post was about how prunes and Coors Light give me gas.

IV. You have political views, great. Now shutup.

One time I was in a meeting and I had to sneeze. Instead of making a loud scene I figured I'd hold it in, which didn't work out so well as I found out air must go somewhere, in this case a fart. Needless to say, it was kinda uncomfortable; you know, the kind where you're sitting with all your weight on one cheek thinking, "Damn... I should really go check." Yeah, so that's how I feel when I see all this political propaganda posted everywhere. Even if we agree on everything we don't need it broadcasted, it simply leaves ya with a weird feeling. This isn't the forum for this debate; for everything you like, someone else hates it. So why create the animosity amongst online friends, all 1318 of them (and yeah, I'm sure you keep in touch with them all)?

V. You have religious beliefs, great. See you in hell.

See above.

VI. Don't type out the colloquial "like," or you're, like, totally fucking stupid.

We're in the year 2010 so it's pretty much becoming socially acceptable to say "like" in between every brain-fart you call a thought. "Like, I was so, oh my God, like, blown away by So You Think You Can Dance." How-fucking-ever, if you type out "like" in your status/post then you're a damned idiot. How do you feel knowing YOU fuel Al-Qaeda? Honestly, Facebook needs to start putting asterisks next to certain names. At the bottom of Facebook it shall read: "Asterisked names indicate friends who have been certified fucking morons. Thank you, Facebook Staff."

VII. Stop inviting me to your gay-ass fan pages.

I think fan pages are great. You don't want to waste everyone's "News Feed" with shit your group is doing, so make a fan page. But don't invite every person you know to join your damn group if it doesn't pertain to them. Look, I live in Atlanta; I really don't give a flaming shit about your neighborhood badminton team in Hauppauge, New York. Also, why the fuck are you playing badminton? Ping pong too fast paced for ya? Just use some discretion people, and go play with your shuttlecock.

VIII. Don't make friend suggestions, especially for your terrible friends.

Creepy guy in sunglasses at his computer on FacebookIf you and I are talking about someone and I say, "Yeah, he sure is one stupid dipshit of a person," and then that person joins Facebook, don't suggest that I be his friend. It really makes me look like an asshole when this turd posts on my wall, "Hey man, how've ya been?" and I reply, "Go fuck yourself." All because you thought I'd just love to catch up with him. By the way, dickhead, you know that time I told you I don't have a problem with you, that I was just having a bad day? I was only kidding; I can't fucking stand you, and chances are I think you're queer.

IX. Your kids are BORING.

To all the moms and dads of Facebook, I wish your child the best. Seriously, you're blessed to have a family and I hope your children live life to the fullest. I hope you share great times, great laughs, and make many fond memories. BUT, I don't want to fucking hear everything your kid did today. What the fuck am I supposed to do with the knowledge that little Woogie-Bear got a boo boo while making a poo poo? Should I send a fucking get well card? Let me explain why social networking sites aren't for family updates. A few years ago this dude named Alex had a deaf wife and mom. So one day he invented the phone. Why? How the fuck should I know, maybe to call his dad. I don't remember where I was going with that... but I guess what I'm trying to get at is: If I want to know how your kid is doing, I'll call your ass and ask.

X. Stop linking your Twitter to your Facebook.

Twitter to Facebook 3rd party applicationWhat the fuck! These are two sites for a reason! I've said this time and time again, you're not that damn important that we need an hourly update about what the fuck you're doing. But for the douchebags who are curious, that's why Twitter was created. Most likely by some asshole in his early 30's who publicly wears denim shorts and still lives in his mother's basement. But then, some asshole in his late 40's who branched out and got an apartment plastered with Hayden Panettiere posters decided it would be a novel idea to merge a Twitter account with a Facebook account. What a jackass. If Facebook is reading this, please limit status updates to two per day. This Twitter to Facebook shit has become the door-to-door salesman of social networking. Leave me the fuck alone, and NO, I don't give a shit that you just turned left into Best Buy. Go iFuckyourself.

More Golden Rules:

The Golden Rules of IM, Part 1 »
The Golden Rules of IM, Part 2 »
The Golden Rules of Manhood »

C'mon, one more:

Andrei Trostel's picture

Nice, very nice!

I especially liked #9.

"Little Susy just got a tooth!!!"

Yeah, everyone has teeth, this isn't a fucking accomplishment and no body gives a shit.

Let's just wait until Susy is old enough to have a Facebook account and then I can get updated about the mundane shit in her life by accepting her friend request, if she's hot that is and regularly posts pictures of spring break with her friends.

Robert King's picture

To add to number III, please don't like your own status people. I don't know when this phenomenon started happening, but a growing number of people deserve a kick to the shins.

Brian Jones's picture

Very good article indeed. I would have said something about all the fucking retarded melodramatic bullcrap pages that fill up my news feed... But that may well be limited to my age group. I hate people.

Keke DeVille's picture

My favorites include people that like to reveal via status update that they just got an STD from the person they were dating, or posting funeral pictures of dead people in coffins. Or just broadcasting personal business in general. Yup, I really wanted to be updated on all of they above.

PS. I liked this.............................................................

I can't wait until I see you in hell. You're hilarious.

Ok, unlike most that have post on here, I don't agree with you.

Facebook and other "social media" is mostly about connecting with other people that you would have things in common with. In other words, your identity as a person.
The political correctness of this age makes it seem like that you must conform to opinion and not step on the toes of other people in everything... say such as political beliefs.
But social media being an expression of self, to connect with others, maybe your political beliefs are part of who you are. Maybe if you don't like that persons beliefs... you don't have to look at it. Or maybe their spiritual ones. God forbid that someone actually stands up and acts differently than the rest of the herd.
As for children, it's obvious that you have none... I don't either, but I understand that when you do, it's a life changing event. Your life becomes about those children and relating to other people that have children. These parents are involved in one of the most important jobs in our society. Raising up the next generation of adults. One that you will have to eventually live around. They are obsessed with the miracle of life and watching their kids develop. There's nothing wrong with that. If anything people should be more in tune with their children instead of less. Just because you don't share the same responsibility that they do, does not make their opinions "boring". It makes their opinions their opinions.
Again, you don't have to read these things...
What I am basically saying is that it takes all kinds of people to make up a world. The they are not going to all conform to what your standards and beliefs are...
The one major downfall of social media, in my humble opinion, is that in the real world, the one away from this screen, you have all sorts of people that you have to interact with. And you may not have a choice on who you are interacting with that day. So you would actually have to learn how to be tolerant of people and understand that they are going to differ from you. In those differences, you learn more and understand more. You become a stronger, more worldly person.
For example, looking for friends on facebook....
Well Susy likes republicans and I don't so.... I can't be her friend. Well in real life, maybe Susy is a really cool, laid back person, but being republican or whatever is just a small part of her. Yet you have already judged her from a statement on a computer screen.... It's so trivial yet our society has based SO much of our social interaction on these programs, Maybe it's time to take a step back and realize that this screen is not real life.

Martin Stanley's picture

Now that's funny. I don't care who you are.

Mike Lamb's picture

Look, you obviously need to agree with everyone, because everyone's opinion is important. Well, unless you write satire, in which case your opinions apparently don't count. I'm still not sure how that works.

wow thanks for the fucking essay. I hope that didn't take you too long to write, because no one gives a shit.

agreed, it's basically if u don't care that's your business, there are people who do care, and if you have so many problems with fb quit it, it already seems like a waste of your life.

oh and what's with all profanity? it's pretty unnecessary, i generally don't give a rat's ass about articles that uses so much profanity, but that's just me.

Andy Sandford's picture

I must disagree with not using ellipses in a status. They are great way of expressing timing in a facebook status joke. As a comedian, almost all of my status updates are jokes I don't do on stage and reserve for facebook and twitter. Also, twitter is great. Just don't follow people who simply tweet what they are doing. You see some great jokes on twitter because you are forced to be brief and still get a clever joke across. There are tons of people worth following like Myq Kaplan and Anthony Jeselnik

You forgot to mention the Facebook banging, I get so sick and tired of seeing people go back and forth on Facebook about the dumbest shit. I mean REALLY? I just seen a few chicks go at it about their baby daddy gettin' a DNA test and who's the daddy the who's not the daddy. Cut the fuckin' crap why in the fuck are you on Facebook broadcasting that shit, and what the fuck makes you think I give a damn about your Ghetto ass life.

While this is a good article, it'd be a lot more pleasant to read if the language weren't so vulgar. I'm not saying to never swear, but, gee, where did you grow up, Martin? I'm sorry but talking like that just makes you look bad.

I find it a little funny that you lambast people who use "like" in every sentence (which IS really annoying) but use "fuck" or some form of said word at least every other sentence. Amounts to the same thing as overusing "like" in the long run and is twice as aggravating.

@Dunadeth: The reason "fuck" is better than "like" is that fuck is cooler. Where have you been?

I really like these, although the guy with the essay makes some good points. (If for some reason you're friends with Annoying Baby Poster, just Ignore them. It's been going on way before Facebook; the medium used to be the phone call. The huge improvement here is that YOU CAN'T PUT YOUR BABY ON FACEBOOK. *shudder* Or if you do, the victim isn't trapped for nigh-eternity listening to incomprehensible proto-noises.)

And what's up with the badness of thinking somebody is queer? Not as cool as "fuck" if you ask me. In fact, I'd go for "not cool at all."

This whole debate is a sad indictment of the human race.

Just delete every membership membership you have in cyberspace and go outside and smile at people! Its worked for 2011 years.

wow so many cuss words. unlike.

Hahaha, how can anyone with a brain cell left still buy into this Facefuck hoax? They are fucking you over in more ways that you can possibly imagine. And it's not just the CIA. But go on, make rules about how you want to be fucked.

SO, you have an option to delete your boring "frends" or stop everything that you don't like..what the fuck is this article about, than?