We’ve all heard the saying, “When God closes a door, He opens a window.” And, if you’re like me, then you’ve probably found this phrase to be needlessly confusing. I mean, why would God deprive us of so many great opportunities, only to subsequently offer us lesser paths to success? Why would He do that? It’s tempting to answer this question by simply saying that “God works in mysterious ways,” but perhaps there’s an easier explanation…

You see, perhaps God closes so many doors simply because He really, really enjoys watching people crawl their way out of an open window.

How else can you possibly explain the inexplicably callous nature of many of His actions? Do any of us really know why bad things happen to good people? Or why hard workers get passed over for a promotion?

It defies all reason.

Perhaps, whenever someone is deprived of an opportunity, God literally views it as a hardwood oak door that has all-too-forcibly been slammed shut.

No, the only possible explanation for the indecipherable cruelty of many of His awesome decisions is that, whenever God closes a door, He must instinctively, desperately relish watching someone push themselves out of a small, waist-high window for the sole purposes of His enjoyment.

That can be the only logical explanation.

Now, by this point I’m sure that many of you are murmuring treacherously to yourselves, “But wait, neither the door nor the window in this scenario are actually real. They’re both just concepts meant to represent the many struggles that man must face during the treacherous journey of life.” Ah, but what you forget is that this is God we’re talking about. He is almighty. He is all-powerful. He is the Supreme. And if God wishes to allegorically close a door in someone’s face, perhaps, in His mind, it is not an allegory.

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Perhaps, whenever someone is deprived of an opportunity, God literally views it as a hardwood oak door that has all-too-forcibly been slammed shut. And whenever someone discovers a new, less-exciting opportunity in the wake of their own earlier rejection… Perhaps God sees that as a person literally climbing out of a small, newly-opened window on the second story of a Brooklyn studio apartment.

And perhaps God enjoys watching that happen.

You may now be asking, “But why would God enjoy watching people crawl out of windows so much?”

Who’s to say? It is not for us mere mortals to understand the true emotions or desires of God. Perhaps He likes to see a visual reminder of man’s unending persistence. Perhaps He enjoys watching the exertions of man (His greatest creation). Perhaps He just thinks that it’s amusing to lock someone in a room and then watch as that person is forced to hoist themselves up to the ledge of a 2-foot-wide window, shimmy through the window’s loose screen, flop around for a bit, and then fall awkwardly out of the window onto the hedges below while the neighbors all watch in stunned, mortified silence. Perhaps that scenario makes Him smile. Perhaps it even makes Him laugh.

Ultimately, we’ll never know why He enjoys making us exit through windows. But clearly, He does enjoy it.

They say that God works in mysterious ways, which must mean that God is a mysterious man. And don’t mysterious men sometimes enjoy watching people crawl out of windows? That’s why, if we want to analyze God’s actions through an objective lens, there is only one possible explanation.  And while some of you may turn your noses at this so-called “window solution”… I find it to be a huge relief. Even when I am at my lowest, I can always be deeply certain that God is right there by my side: observing me, standing over me, and just having a really great time watching me try to get back on my feet again.

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