The premiere episode of The Great Outdoors with Jesus Christ takes us to the lawless wilderness of Upper Michigan's Garden Peninsula where Jesus Christ has invited his frenemy Judas Iscariot on an autumn turkey hunt! I'm Don Johnson, Christ's faithful cameraman, publicist, and devoted chronicler of his second coming. I—

"Hey, Johnson. JOHNSON! I told you I needed my face on no less than fifteen minutes before the goddamn show. Jesus Christ All Fuckin' Mighty!"

That was Christ, from beneath the shadow of a wide-brimmed trucker hat emblazoned with the honorable title "ORGASM DONOR."

As one of the conditions of Judas's pardon and resurrection, Christ doesn't allow him to go on camera without having a black eye. I'm also His make-up guy, BTW. It makes no difference to Him that we're supposed to be roughing it in the wilderness chasing wild turkeys. He also doesn't give a shit that He hasn't aged a bit in the 2,000+ years since Christmas. Apropos—he doesn't give a shit about Christmas, having banned it shortly after his second coming (something he can't utter without chuckling) because, "The shittiest parties are the ones that everyone is invited to." Christ's birthday has become an exclusive event akin to the Academy Awards but with the audience and invite list of the MTV Teen Choice Awards. He's quite the diva now. Because of that—and the fact that He's been spending a little too much time with Tom Cruise—rumors are circulating that Jesus Christ is… a Scientologist. OMG

"JOHNSON! If I have to perform one more fucking miracle to make up for your incontinence [malapropism His, not mine], I'll damn you!"

"I'm sorry, My Lord!" I say into prayer-posed hands.

He says that He can't hear us unless we do that. I really try my best, understand, but Christ is a bitch to have as a boss. For all His talk of forgiveness, He doesn't hesitate to be a cunt if I get His coffee wrong or fuck up His lunch order. Anyway… here comes Judas in his pick-up truck. I'm always surprised whenever he shows up. He's got to leave three days ahead of time—even for short trips—because Jesus fucks with him so badly. One day it's four flat tires. Another, it's the timing belt. Judas is the new Job—for obvious reasons.

"Judas! Get your ass over here!" Jesus says as Judas fumbles out of his shitty little Ford (or whatever) S-10 and cowers at his feet.

"Yes, Sire," says Judas, already sniveling. He knows that—

WHACK!

…He knows that Christ is going to deck him. As one of the conditions of Judas's pardon and resurrection, Christ doesn't allow him to go on camera without having a black eye.

"There you go, Fucker. Now we're ready to hunt. JOHNSON!"

The stage is all set up. I'm not a good cameraman. I just put the camera on the tripod thingy and point it in the general direction of the action. Christ and Judas are hiding behind some bushes watching a clearing where I dumped about fifty pounds of corn. Judas, with his swollen eye, is now wearing a trucker's hat that says, "THIS BITCH BELONGS TO I.N.R.I." Each of them has a shotgun on his lap, but I can't imagine Christ has any plans to bag a turkey using such primitive means.

Jesus Christ and Judas Iscariot

Oh! A few gobblers are approaching. Judas readies his gun, but I see Christ lean over and whisper something in his ear. Judas frowns and leans his gun up against a tree.

"Must I do this, my Lord?" whines Judas into his supplicated hands. Christ raises His arm threateningly: the back of His hand poised to blacken Judas's other eye.

So there he is, Judas, tiptoeing to the turkeys actually thinking that Christ will allow them to run away. He does as he's told and kisses a turkey on the beak.

"KISS IT LIKE YOU WANT TO MARRY IT!" screams Jesus.

The flabbergasted gobbler can do nothing as Judas uses his tongue to part the bird-beast's pecker and makes the kiss a little more intimate. It's pretty sick, but blatantly obvious that the turkey likes it; he's pitched a feather tent.

"Ain't seen THAT shit since Daddy smoked Gomorrah, Yo!" Jesus hollas, gesticulating like a white boy in front of his black friends.

Judas, satisfied that he's done enough, retracts his tongue from the gobbler's syrinx and mopes back to Jesus, his head hanging in shame. "What was that supposed to do, My Lord?"

"You'll see…."

From out of the ether a quartet of Roman soldiers in full regalia shuffles in. It takes two of them to apprehend the lovestruck turkey, and one more to tape its erection to one of its legs to keep it from slapping against the soldiers and going off. The fourth soldier cautiously approaches Christ and whispers something into his ear. Christ nods—a signal, perhaps, because the soldier promptly chucks a quarter and a nickel at Judas's face.

It's kinda pitiful how Judas actually scrambles to pick up his 30 cents of silver like he's going to need it for something later. I feel worse for the amorous turkey though because the soldiers are, very anachronistically, affixing it to a tree with s nail gun. Happy Thanksgiving!

Christ is laughing his head off. He yells to the soldiers all like, "Oh, I know. LOL. When the turkey dies put him in that cave over there [there wasn't a cave there until Jesus said there was—he's always mindfucking us like that]. We'll check on him in a few days. ROFLCOPTR." The soldiers bow obsequiously, eager to make up for past sins and serve their Lord.

We won't stick around for that though. Jesus is eager to finish up with Judas (think Theon Greyjoy) and reanimate a few more of his old buddies. Oh right. About that. Next time, expect to see a sequel (of sorts) of this episode. I don't wanna give anything away, but let's just say tonight wasn't the pilot episode.

"JOHNSON!"

Oh shit. Gotta go, folks. Can't get on the lion/lamb's bad side. See you next time on The Great Outdoors with Jesus Christ and Friends!

Continue to Episode 2 »

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