So as you guys know, our friend, companion, Supreme Autocrat, and dynamite singer Kim Jong-Un is having a birthday in a few weeks. It’s always so hard to plan these things—especially when he declares it his birthday every few months just to keep us on our toes. As new head of the Sub-Committee on Commemoration of the Glorious Leader, I, Jin Soo, have sworn to make him happy—happier, even, than that time we burned James Franco in effigy.
I mean, what do you get the guy that already has everything his people don’t have? A Samsung Galaxy? He already controls the galaxy. An iPad Air? He disdains the air, finds it to be beneath him.
A gym membership? REDACTED
Jin Soo has suddenly fallen quite ill, so I’ll be taking over this Sub-Committee from here on out. You can call me Jae Eun. Anyway, I was thinking we throw a theme party this year, something straight out of a fantasy, like Game of Thrones or Lord of the Rings or The Food Network.
Dear Leader is wonderful at cosplay,and I’m sure he and his whole family can dress up as, I don’t know, The Lannisters or The Starks or something? Like he can be Ned, and his half-brother can be—um, nevermind that. He can be Ned, I mean, and his uncle can be—oh wait, hang on. He can be Ned, and his aunt can—second thought, maybe we leave the family theme out for now?
Let’s talk locales. I know he’s probably going to want to drive downtown for dinner, which is going to be hell because of all the dire poverty you see at rush hour. We could take an Uber. I hear they were in solidarity with Donald Trump, I’m sure we’ll be golden. But speaking of, we can’t go back to 3-Point Steaks this year. I’m beginning to think Dennis Rodman was lying about being a 5-star chef
, which you’d think The Leader, as the only one with Internet, could have easily debunked. REDACTED
Mi Na here. Jae Eun just went into labor (camp), so I’ll be taking over. Anybody know what type of cake the Great Leader likes? Also, does anybody know what cake is? I’ve never seen one.
I’m a little concerned about the attendance rate we’re expecting right now. Of the 45 people on this Evitation, we are showing 2 “Tentative,” 1 “Yes,”, and 42 “Unable to Respond Due to Lack of Basic Internet Access.” I also noticed none of you invited any +1’s on our State-Controlled Social Media network, Facebook. Now sure,people have complained that a literal book of images of the Leader’s face isn’t a real social medium, but think of the conversation starter it acts as. Furthermore, all of those critics have become awfully silent over the last few weeks. Mull that one over.
A caveat about the evening: nobody mention Kim Jong-Nam. The Great Leader is still very distraught about him tripping accidentally into that inconveniently-placed poison, and bringing it up will only cause distress.
There should be live music at the after party, but we’ve had trouble booking any big acts yet. I was thinking maybe get Bruce Springsteen, but he said no. Then I asked a cover band, they said no. Luckily, we found a Bruce Springsteen Cover Band Cover Band which is in talks right now to do a set. I’ve never heard any of their work personally, but I’m sure that Factory Johnny and the Thunder Roadhogs will be terrific. And if not, we could always use their ransom money to book him a better gig next year.
Alright, I think that covers about everything. Please remember to wear your finest monochromatic dark ensemble and bring at least three original compliments to pay our Dear Leader. We don’t want a repeat of last year where two different people called him “radiant” and were summarily executed for their lack of imagination. But the most important thing is to relax, have fun; I’m sure the whole affair will be
Kim Jong-Un-believable! REDACTED
Mi Na won’t be attending due to a condition the doctors are calling “Sudden Onset Defection.” See you Saturday!