As a single, twenty-something woman, I’ve been on my fair share of bad dates. Wait, let me rephrase that. I’ve been on my fair share of appallingly, truly horrific dates. Picture any VH1 reality dating show and that will give you an idea of the train wreck that is my dating history.

So in light of recent romantic failures, I’ve decided that every guy I meet and think I might want to go on a date with will be required to go through a screening process. Along with a background check and a urine test, he will be forced to fill out the questionnaire I have put together, which I will share with you now.

The Ashley Garmany Dating Questionnaire

Terms & Agreements

Ashley Garmany 'YOUR FACE HERE' Tucker Max spoof
I Hope They Serve Wine in Hell
By filling out and signing the below form, you guarantee that all answers provided are true and any answer that is found to be false could result in the termination of a possible relationship with Ashley Garmany. You also accept the fact that Ashley Garmany, much like the rest of her fair-bosomed gender, is batshit crazy and cannot be held accountable for any ridiculous and deranged behaviors.


Word Association

Write down the first word that comes to mind with each of the following.

1. Ball ____________

2. Kite ____________

3. Rabbit ____________

4. Love ____________

5. Nick Lachey ____________


True or False

Please label each statement as either "true" or "false."

1. Rhubarb is a group of plants that belong to the genus Rheum in the family Polygonaceae. They are herbaceous perennial plants growing from short, thick rhizomes. They have large leaves that are somewhat triangular shaped with long, fleshy petioles and small flowers grouped in large, compound, leafy greenish-white to rose-red inflorescences.

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2. Lindsay Lohan is one of the most extraordinary actors of our time. Her dedication and commitment to her roles as well as her endless charity work are both something to be admired. She continually gives her all to every piece of work, whether it’s her performance as a wayward teen in Georgia Rule or her harrowing portrayal of an amputee teenage stripper whose stigmatic twin is being held captive by a serial killer in I Know Who Killed Me.

3. Early telephones were locally powered, using either a dynamic transmitter or by the powering of a transmitter with a local battery.


Matching

Please match the word with its correct match.

Rake   Bill Cosby’s favorite snack
Pudding   An open container used to hold cut flowers
Vase    A textbook definition of Herpes Simplex 2
Paris Hilton   A gardening tool used to clean up leaves


Multiple Choice

Please circle the answer that best answers the question.

1. The best show currently on television is:

A. Modern Family
B. Keeping Up with the Kardashians
C. Mad Men
D. True Blood

2. Signs of the impending apocalypse include:

A. The economic recession
B. Global warming
C. Justin Beiber
D. The war in Iraq

3. If train #1 leaves the station at 4:45 and train #2 leaves the station at 5:15, and it’s a 235 minute ride from point A to point B, what time will train #3 arrive at the station?

A. 6:30
B. 7:45
C. 8:00
D. Not enough information


Short Answer

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Please fill out each question with the best answer possible.

1. Wearing brown with black. Yes or no? And why?

2. Provide at least one quote from each of the following classic movies: Dirty Dancing, Pretty Woman, Ghost, Clueless and Mean Girls.

3. State which character from The Golden Girls you most identify with and why.


Essay Question

Please answer the following question in no less than 600 words. Spelling and grammar will play a large role in your score.

Summarize Herman Melville’s Moby Dick. Be sure to include characters, major plot turning points and a brief analysis on all uses of symbolism. (I’m too lazy to actually read the book myself, so this serves as more of a time saver for me.)

_____________ (Print Name Here)
_____________ (Initial)
_____________ (Sign Name Here)
_____________ (Date)

2 points each: Word association, true/false, matching, and multiple choice
5 points each: Short answers
10 points: Essay question

Bonus points will be awarded with the inclusion of a framed headshot and/or a gift certificate to Dairy Queen.

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